Kaytlin | How Adoption Became My Choice

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. I'm Shawn Nelson and in this episode my wife Lynette interviews Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is a birth mother and she has a lot of really good thoughts to share. So she'll share her story with us and then also answer several questions that help us in the adoption community understand a little bit more about what it's like to choose adoption for your unborn baby and also a little bit more just about the perspective of a birth mother after

0:31placement. I personally really enjoyed listening to their conversation and I hope that you enjoy it too. Well we are here on the podcast with Kaitlyn. Thank you so much for being here with us Kaitlyn. Yeah thanks for having me I'm excited. Well to start off can we have you introduce yourself and just share some things about you? Yeah my name is Kaitlyn Jensen. I currently live in a little town called Maricopa in Arizona.

1:06I'm originally from Utah and went to school in Idaho. I'm 23 years old and I currently work in the adoption realm. Alright so let's start off by having you share your adoption story now. Okay awesome. So it started when I was 18 years old. I was right out of high school brand new. I was getting ready to go to my first semester of college and I got a new job up there and so I figured you

1:37know what I'll head down a month early to get all the training and stuff out of the way so by the time I start school all that training will be done and I'll be good and so when I went down there I happened to meet an old co-worker. He was someone we were really close in age. We always flirted at work growing up like I was about 16, 17 when I first met him and he noticed that I was down there and said hey let me show you around I'd love to you know show you around hang out with you that sort of thing and I was fine with that. I thought

2:07you know he's he was always a really nice guy so it'd be cool to just see him. So one thing kind of led to another we hung out more and more and we ended up dating and it was about I'd say two months into the relationship where I just started feeling a little weird and I was just like this is what are these weird symptoms I'm not sure what this is and so really quick I went to Walmart and of course bought the cheapest pregnancy test I could and couldn't tell what it actually was reading when I read it so I actually

2:38called my mom I was like hey what are what are the symptoms you had when you were when you were pregnant and so she told me and I realized I was having those same symptoms and I was like oh no and so my mom actually set up an appointment for me at a clinic and I did you know that whole piano cup to see if it's positive and lo and behold it was positive you know and so it was a little scary I went to go tell him and he had actually already had another child when

3:08he was about 16 so it wasn't the best reaction and you know how could it be how could it be he was 19 I was 18 you know so it's a little scary for the both of us and so told my mom obviously she told my dad and then my parents just went into go mode they just they were like okay let's go I was three days into school by that time and they immediately came down I got out of my classes I dropped out of school and we got rid of all the stuff in my apartment we packed

3:40it up and then we we took it home and I was I was kind of thinking you know I was like okay this is good this is what we need to do is we need to we need to do an adoption plan this is where we need to go with it and I was I was kind of in go mode as well and wasn't really thinking about it and so moved back home with my parents still involved with the father and still really liked him so worried cared about him and so we kept in communication but moved home just

4:10started looking into options I lived it next to a small college so my parents were like hey let's get you signed up for classes while you're here you might as well be taking a couple classes and and let's look into getting a job and all this kind of stuff so we just immediately went into like preparedness and like started to do what we could with this situation so but like I said I was still involved with him mainly just through texts and calls since we were about two hours apart at that point and when it came to my pregnancy luckily my

4:45parents were really supportive right off the bat they were you know if you want a parent we'll help you parent if you want to choose adoption then we totally understand we'll totally support you in that realm I personally was leaning more towards adoption I think so was my family my mom's adopted and so we kind of had a little bit more experience in that realm but I started the process and I just felt like I was shopping for a family it was it was so strange I'd get on and all these profiles would pop up and I wasn't sure what to do and you

5:18know of course these people aren't gonna put you know the bad things in their life or you know we fought on Tuesday or our kids usually throw tantrum you know they're not gonna they're not gonna put that which is totally understandable but it was just really overwhelming for me so I just I kind of took a step back and I was like oh my gosh and I went I was kind of in limbo for a little bit where I was like I haven't chosen what to do I know I'm supposed to be good family but I'm not sure and I felt like it finally a little bit I hit like this

5:50roadblock where I was like I cannot move forward with adoption because I always had this question of what if what if I can make it work what if I could keep this baby what if I could parent what if I could do it what if I could fix things with the birth father and you know and what if I could make it work between us like I can't go the route of adoption if I haven't fully explored this option as well and I was gonna do anything I could to see if I could keep the baby I was

6:22gonna make it work you know and so it was really difficult but I ended up leaving home and it it killed my parents and it especially my dad I just I remember leaving and just he was just crying because he just knew that it wasn't gonna be a good option for me and and to this day they probably still don't know the reason why I left I just it wasn't because I was angry at them or because I was upset or overwhelmed it's just because I couldn't go through with

6:56adoption if I didn't explore this route first and I remember them calling a religious leader over to my house and he's kind of to get me to stay kind of like a last-ever sort of thing like don't go and and I told him straight up I was like I'm gonna be back I know I'm gonna be back 100% but I have I have to do this and I I'm sure you know people would say or my parents would probably say that there would be an easier way to figure that out but at that time that's

7:26just what I needed to do because I still really liked him and I knew he had another son and he had made it work and I was like maybe maybe him and I can do it maybe we can do it so I left went in moved with him and as anyone could expect it was it was bad from the start it was not good I was working two jobs I didn't take care of myself I wasn't eating like I should have and he really loved to party I mean he was 19 can't expect any less of you know and so he he

7:59loved to party so he was gone a lot of the time and you know it just it wasn't a good situation tonight sometimes I'd sleep until 1 which I've never done in my life so I think I had a bit of depression there not something that was ever you know clinically you know prescribed or anything like that but to the point where I think I had it a little bit and it was just a tough situation but kept just in that routine and then about a month later his son

8:29actually came out to visit and drove him down picked him up and he the only he didn't get to see him very often and so I thought this is gonna be a weekend of just fun spending time with him this is gonna be great he talks about his son all the time I'm actually gonna see what he's like when he's a dad and that'll be really good for me and it'll be really great for us and so his son came and he just partied all night all night so we were renting a room in a house and his

9:02son and I slept in a bed and tried to sleep as best we could well he partied all night long and with that the next day he couldn't even really hang out with the Sun because he was completely hungover just couldn't hang out with them couldn't be there was just grumpy and I was like oh my gosh it was kind of a light bulb moment for me and but still not enough for me to like I was like okay it was just one weekend you know and then the next week he left all week all

9:34week he told me he'd be back and then he told me he'd be back and then I'm coming home tomorrow and he just he didn't come back and I he was doing drugs and he was he was drinking and doing all this stuff that he wanted to do but all the things that you know but with he couldn't be a support for me because he wanted to go party and so I just I called my mom and I just asked her I was like mom can I come home and she said I think she's just waiting for me at that point I think she's just waiting for my call waiting for me to be like hey can I come

10:07home and automatically she was like yes absolutely you can come home and so I grabbed all my things and I packed them into my car my parents drove down to kind of help and at that point we did kind of set not some rules because you know obviously I was an adult but they wanted to let me know that hey if you're coming home you need to stay home this time and which I completely understood it broke him the first time and it was hard for me and so but I knew for sure

10:38this time I was like Kate you know what I had my run for the last month and a half or so I've seen what I needed to see to realize there's no way I can make this work now and so yeah and so I ended up going home and the thing is though I never held any resentment against the father I still don't he was 19 I was 18 you know and so it's like to this day I mean I hope he's doing well but I've never been angry with him like I don't think it's I don't ever say it's his

11:11fault that I couldn't make it work it just wasn't supposed to work so with that we packed everything up and then we went home and I I think divine intervention played a part because my phone ended up breaking so I couldn't really have any contact with anybody and I decided to just delete my social media I lived in a small town and I did not want to have to deal with anything I didn't want to post anything I didn't want to see anybody else so I just I didn't fix my phone and I just got rid of my social media and that's that's

11:46what I did to just kind of cut myself off a little bit so yeah and so I kept going I was like okay I'm ready to start the process but it still felt like shopping for a family a little bit and I wasn't sure how to go about it and I was kind of running out of time and so it got to the point where people actually started reaching out to us we didn't even have to ask just people who wanted to adopt and there were a couple that came and we just realized it was a little too close to home and you know it wasn't gonna work and then my mom she's a nurse

12:18and she was working and her coworker came up and said hey my wife and I we just got pregnant it was a complete accident all of our kids are grown-ups so we're looking to adopt so that this child has someone to grow up with and we thought about it and that one was also you know too close to home my mom couldn't she didn't want to go to work knowing that her grandchild was with you know her person that's sitting across the desk from her you know so he understood he

12:49was like okay that's totally fine I totally get it but let me send you someone let me send you someone they've got a little e-book that they put together and they're really great and so we were like okay yeah send it over they sent you email and my mom and I opened it up that night and it was just it was just a moment it was just one of those moments that you have and we knew it because on the last page they had this picture of them and they were holding

13:21hands and they were walking on this railroad track and they were blurred out but the focus was on this sign that said waiting for you and it had a pair of pink shoes and a pair of blue shoes and my mom and I just we just looked at each other we just cried we were like oh my goodness this is so special and I don't know why that one I don't have all these other profiles got to me but it it did and we really loved it too because they had they had already adopted another

13:51little boy so by the time that I had mine they would have been a year apart which is perfect that's I was like he's gonna have someone to grow up with he's gonna have a brother he's gonna have a sibling this is gonna be great and we realized after looking back that we did have actually a ton of connections with them they were from my hometown but not enough connections to make it to where it was too close from home so it actually it works out really well there were a lot a lot of details in there where we're like oh my goodness this is so crazy so it was great so we we contacted her center I think we sent her

14:28an email and we're like hey we're really interested in your profile you know I think my mom sent it she's like my daughter's pregnant she'd really love to get to know you and so we got on a call with her and her husband and he is in the military so he was stationed and couldn't leave and we asked her if she could fly out and come see us and we could just meet face to face and and so she did and I don't think she realizes this but I was so nervous I was so nervous to meet her and I had like these lists of questions and it felt really

15:00intimidating to ask her these questions and I felt really out of place I felt like I shouldn't be the one asking these questions it's just weird but the whole thing went so smoothly and we we FaceTimed her husband and so he was on the phone so he could be a part of it and it went so well and by the next morning I think we sent either an email or we called them and we're like hey we we would love for you to be a part of this journey with us and this adoption journey if you want and they were like absolutely they were they were so

15:33excited and so from then on we just we planned some things we would send like pregnancy pictures or I didn't take any pictures while I was pregnant I made sure I did I did not want to have any pictures at all and then but we would send like baby bump pictures and so those are the only ones I have and my mom had them she sent them to me so I don't even have them my mom has them but so we'd send things like that they would put like the ultrasound on a Christmas

16:05card and send it out to all their family and they were super excited so it was a good process and then so finally it came down to him being due and she flew out a month early just in case and stayed with her family they were in the same town so it worked out really well and he was due mid April so we were kind of prepared really okay and then I had an appointment and it didn't go as it's as expected my body wasn't feeding him the way he was supposed to be fed so he

16:39wasn't growing and so they moved the due date up a week and I was like okay midweek we're okay it's gonna be alright and then they called me again and they said hey we're actually going to induce you tomorrow and I was I didn't know how to feel because I don't think I was ready in my head I was like wait I still had two more weeks with this baby like and you're telling me tomorrow like I was just kind of in shock but we had to tell them because her husband was on

17:10base and needed permission to get off and like we're like you need to call him and get him on a plane now because this baby is coming and so we called her he she called him and he was working all this stuff out and it was just it was crazy and so yeah it was it was a lot of rush it was a rush within a lot of time frame where we just it was me trying to deal with the fact that I wasn't gonna be with him as long as I thought and then also being really excited for them and then the stress of him getting there so it was a lot and

17:44then the next morning I was induced really early and I think he was waiting for his dad to get there because I was in labor for 36 hours and I pushed for two and right as he was delivered his dad got there like 10 minutes later so I'm pretty sure he's like I'm just waiting for dad to get here I'm not coming until he gets here so which is fine by me and it was really it was

18:14really special so he was born and I had her hold him first because she's not able to have children and I knew she'd never have that moment of you know that baby in your arms right as they come out and so I wanted to make sure that she had that because I knew that I'd be able to have that in the future so she held him first and then I held him and then I believe my mom held him while I was getting all stitched up and cleaned and that sort of thing and by the time I was

18:46good to go the father was there and he came into the room and he held him and it was this really really beautiful moment and that whole hospital visit was really interesting my whole family was there all my siblings got a hold him both of my sisters were there for the birth and my mom so that was a really cool experience for them one of my sisters I think almost passed out which was really funny she just couldn't handle it was it was funny but he was born the day before my birthday and so usually if you have a natural birth you

19:23can leave the next day but my parents and I both agreed that we didn't want my birthday to be the day that I said goodbye you know so the hospital was really great and I stayed for an extra day and so yeah it was it was really nerve-wracking you know I'm supposed to be celebrating my birthday and celebrating his but knowing what was coming in the next couple days and so and but the family was really great the entire time they actually made me this

19:53beautiful quilt that said something like I love you to the moon and back and deeper than the ocean seas something it was really beautiful and I still use it to this day and these beautiful pillows and I think they were really nervous that I was gonna change my mind because you have that 24 to 48 hour period where you can change your mind but and there's no way to like reassure them like I knew that I was gonna go through with the adoption but they didn't know and

20:23they're always worried and you know but they were they were really great so um the next day was Saturday and it was 10 o'clock I remember that very well it was 10 o'clock and they left me alone with him and to just kind of give me a moment and I just held them I just tried to memorize every single little detail just every detail I tried to memorize and he had a little scratch on his face from

20:53where he had scratched himself with his nails and those cute little white dots that they get when they're first born and I just tried to memorize everything I could and finally I just looked at him and I just said okay I'm I'm ready I'm ready I can I can do this we're ready we can do this together and so I put him in his little basket because they didn't they won't let you carry them out you know you have to put them in something and so put him in his basket and I rolled him out and it was the longest and shortest walk ever they were in a

21:27room close to mine like around the corner they stayed the night in the hospital and so I wheeled into that room and it was it was the longest and shortest walk I don't know how else to describe it but that's how it was and so I finally I got to the room and I had written two letters I had written a letter to him about the situation so I never wanted him to think that he wasn't wanted and so I I wrote him a letter just explaining what was going on why it

22:00happened why I chose the way the thing I did and then I wrote him another letter about his health just so he had some sort of background so if he ever went to the doctors he could say oh yes this is what runs in my family I wanted him to have that and I had also made him a blanket that went with the book guess how much I love you so I gave him the book and I gave him a blanket and the letters and I explained those to his mom and then I took him out of the basket and I handed him to his mom and I gave him just one last the biggest kiss that I

22:36couldn't muster at that moment and just gave him the biggest kiss and gave her a huge hug and then I just after that I left the room and I think I just kind of fell into my dad and I just cried I just I cried and my mom and dad they just told me how proud they were of me and and they just they gave me the biggest hug and it was just this moment that was just the hardest moment but it was it

23:06was okay so then we left and we went home and it was the coping part that was I think the most difficult you know I'll I'd rather give birth ten times than dealing with this coping part of it but it was worth it but we we had this little shadow box that we created this little box with all his things and at first during the whole process I was like okay I don't want anything of his I don't want to be reminded I don't even want to hold him and obviously he got

23:36here and things completely changed and so I ended up taking one of his socks and I ended up taking his blanket he was wrapped in and I took his little hat that they gave him and my mom even took a pair of scissors and we cut off a little lock of his hair and and we put it all in this this box and I put that in my room and every time I went into my room I just cried so for the next like week I actually just slept in the bed with my mom because I couldn't even go

24:06in that room with this beautiful blanket they made and these beautiful pillows they made and this little shadow box I just I couldn't deal with it and so couldn't even go into the room so I ended up sleeping with my mom for about a week just to kind of cope with it but it got better it got easier and then I asked them if they could send me pictures every month because they just change so much in that first year and I know that they did so I asked if they could send pictures and they did and it was really great I went back to school

24:38about three or four months later and the hardest day I had there was the finalization of the adoption because it's about six months that they have and I thought it was gonna be October 31st and I got on social media on October 30th and realized it had been that day and so in my head I had had like one more day not for him to be mine but it was just that you know that

25:10finalization that moment and I think because I wasn't mentally prepared I was mentally prepared for it to be the next day not that day and so I think because I wasn't mentally prepared I just broke and I was living with five other girls at the time and I just went into one of the bathrooms and I just cried because nobody else knew I hadn't told any of my roommates or anything and it was it was rough it was that was probably the hardest day I've ever had and since then

25:40since then I've been good since then I haven't had a hard day like that there are still songs that remind me of him or a moment so you know when his birthday comes around but it's it's really it's I'm at a better place now and I wish I would have gone to therapy or counseling sooner because it took me a couple years to get to the point where I could deal with it in a healthy way and since then it's it's been really great the fact that my school offered free counseling

26:12made the biggest difference to me but now it's good now it's awesome I get to see pictures all the time I talk to his parents all the time he's going to school which is so weird and I follow them on social media so I see all of these different things that they're doing if they go to the zoo or things like that you know we wish each other happy birthdays and they are so sweet and they send me flowers on birth mother's day which is the day before

26:45mother's day so and they don't have to but they still do because they're just the sweetest people ever and they're very open about adoption to both of their children so recently she actually just told me that he actually asked for pictures of me which I just thought was so sweet because before that I didn't realize he knew who I was and now the fact that he's asking to see my picture is just the sweetest thing so ultimately I had a semi open adoption so I only

27:18talked to the adoptive parents and that's what I chose to do I think they would have been open with an open adoption but I just kind of wanted to I wanted him to only have one mom one dad and I didn't want him to have the influence of my life although it would have been good I just wanted to kind of separate a little bit and let him live his life and not it be confusing so I can see it turning into an open adoption though and so my door is wide open if he

27:48ever wants to come say hi it's wide open so I can see it slowly evolving into something like that but yeah so that's that's my story wow that's amazing all right so I have so many follow-up questions so about how far along were you when you picked out the adoptive family so I was between I think four to five months okay it took me a while to get there it took me a minute but you

28:22were pregnant for probably about three or four months after that right and so I can't you guys were matched yeah yeah yeah and I didn't go through an adoption agency so it was just us and they had a previous adoption lawyer from their first adoption so they just they were really great they took care of everything but yeah from the time we matched we had about three three and a half months together mm-hmm okay awesome and then you said that your mom was adopted yes so does she know her biological family does she have a

28:56relationship with anyone from that she does yeah she both of her parents died from cancer when she was really young but for the last 10 or 15 years she's been able to reconnect with all of her siblings which is really great that's awesome mm-hmm cuz yeah they were all placed as well and so it was really cool for all of them to come together so yeah yeah so how do you think your mom's adoption influenced your decisions as you made your adoption plan I think it

29:29just proved to me that it worked and it could work and that being said I fully understand that not every adoption is a happy one but I saw the other alternative which was the birth father in my child's life and the in the fact that I got to have full control over what I wanted in a family gave me that hope of this can be a much better life than what he could have and that's kind of same with my mom's

29:59story is I'm I'm not sure what her life would have been like had she not been adopted but I think she could have been worse off had it been that way but I can see how it's benefited her and her life and so yeah that played a huge part in my decision all right and then was the birth father involved at all and the adoption plan did he help pick a family or no no not at all um to this day I actually don't think he believes it was his kid I can attest it definitely was

30:32his child but yeah he that week that I left when he kept told he kept telling me I'll be back tomorrow I'll be back tomorrow I just left and after that I didn't have any communication with them I think he he emailed or he sent me a message on Facebook and I said I left and he said I know and I think that's last really communication that we had and he never tried to get involved or anything I think he was more relieved that I had left then had I stayed so

31:03which I completely understand considering both his and mine situation so yeah he wasn't involved at all and then we talked or you talked a little bit about therapy and how helpful that's been yeah and how you wish that had started sooner do you have any more thoughts on that that you want to talk about yeah I mean I just I feel like before I went to therapy I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't share that story especially within my religious culture

31:35that's not very like looked upon as the greatest thing and so a lot of people when they're closed-minded think you're you're damaged or you're broken or you have this baggage and that's what I thought and so I just didn't and didn't want to share it and I was so afraid because I started to date again and I was like when do I share this when do I you know do I share it do I wait till we're engaged to bring this up like just all these questions and so I wish people would understand that therapy is not a bad thing it doesn't mean you are any

32:08less of a person if you go seek help for something you went through that was traumatic so even if it's not traumatic to other people it could be traumatic to you and getting help is not a bad thing it should be more it should be talked about more so I wish I would have went sooner I wish I would have had the mindset of I'm not broken I don't need to be fixed it's just I need to learn how to cope with what I went through so do you feel like you share your story

32:40more now or do you keep it more quiet still and just share with people who you feel oh I definitely share it I definitely share it yeah I mean I work in the I work for adoption calm and I work in the birth mother realm so if someone if a woman comes to us and she finds herself with an unplanned pregnancy then I help her get to an adoption plan if that's what she wants to do and a lot of the time she asks me about my story and I've also shared my story on my social media I also have another page for birth mothers that I've

33:14started called Caitlin's Corner which is how we met and there I just I'm trying to build support for other women and my story is on there as well so yeah I definitely share my story any opportunity I think I shut it down for a couple years and now I'm just exploding and I'm like hey how can I help you this is how this worked for me and this is what didn't work for me so yeah that's awesome do you feel like getting therapy and getting help helped you get to that point where you were more comfortable sharing yeah yeah and I think it made me

33:47more confident I dated unfortunately I dated a lot of guys who I think because of my religious culture were really like oh that's hush-hush we shouldn't talk about that okay like I accept that about you but let's not mention that to everybody or anybody and that was just not after therapy I realized that is not okay like because they saw me as a sense of I've got this baggage and I I took their word for it where I was like oh yeah you're right we should hush this up

34:17like okay you know about it and you accept it but you obviously aren't accepting it because you're not allowing me to grow from it and so therapy definitely made me more confident in my situation and realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of I went through something very difficult and I did something very selfless which took a lot of courage and there are other people out there doing that that don't have any sort of support or they have people telling them that hey be quiet about it hush-hush don't talk about it and that's

34:49just not right so therapy definitely made me more confident in my story and helping others with it I love that removing that shame and that stigma yeah very cool all right so before all of this happened were you familiar with open adoption did you have any feelings on that um I could kind of guess just from like the name of it like closed open how it would go I didn't have a ton of knowledge I just assumed what each of them were from the very beginning I

35:20wanted a closed I was like it needs to be closed and then as time went on I realized like that's not the healthiest thing to do at least for me wasn't the healthiest thing to do but I know I didn't want it open I know I didn't want to go visit on birthdays or anything like that I wanted so he could grow without any sort of confusion and it works for other people I just wasn't what I wanted so it ended up just kind of morphing into a semi-open adoption where I could still have contact with his parents but not directly to him but

35:53yeah I didn't have much knowledge but as the process goes I did some research and what were your initial thoughts and feelings as you were looking at adoption what were the reactions like with your family and your friends you talked about your parents were super supportive but yeah um I mean I I kept it super hushed while I was pregnant just because again I lived in a small town and I knew it was gonna get out anyways but my friends were my friends were great I had one

36:23friend who reached out to me and she just she asked me she's like why didn't you tell me and I'm like I was embarrassed and she just opened up and was just the most amazing person and was just you can come to me for anything any help any support you need like that's what I'm here for and I think she talked about like whether you parent or whether you go like place this child for adoption that's completely up to you and I'm gonna love you no matter what so I had friends who were very supportive and my family was very supportive as well that's awesome so looking at those most supportive family and friends what

36:58advice would you give to others who are trying to support a loved one who's experiencing an unplanned pregnancy oh my biggest advice to them would be do not pressure them one way or the other I talked to so many women today who tell me oh well I want to place the child for adoption but my mom says that she wouldn't support me or that she would disown me or people say even their uncles have an opinion about it like oh you're you're weak that's the easy way

37:30out if you place your child for adoption and so and it's just so hard because some of these women are 14 15 they're just kids themselves you know and so my biggest advice would be do not pressure them sit them down tell them these are your options on this side this is how the situation would be this is how it could turn out whereas if you go this way this is how it could be like sit down with them and help them make an educated and personal and sensitive decision but do not pressure them either way because ultimately it is not your

38:02decision it is theirs and you need to support them no matter what direction they go so that would be my advice that's so well said great so if you could travel in time and give yourself some advice during placement what would that be I would probably tell myself that you know don't let this define your worth don't let you know don't let other people tell you that you're damaged or

38:34that this is baggage or that you're any less of a person because you've had an unexpected pregnancy and then I think I would also tell myself your family is just gonna get bigger because I think I looked at it and I said I'm losing a child you're losing someone and when in reality I literally just gained a whole family and whenever I see them they give me the biggest hug like if I see his grandparents every now and then they'll give me the biggest hug like I did not

39:07lose anybody I literally gained an entire family so I wish I could go back in time and tell myself hey this is gonna work don't let this define your worth and your family's just gonna get bigger you're just gonna have more people to love so it's gonna be okay beautiful all right so how has your relationship with your child and their adoptive family evolved over time I know that you said it's semi-open and you talked about how you have some contact has that changed at all or has it stayed pretty much the same it stayed

39:42pretty much the same where we just kind of they'll send things to me or like hey he's his first day of school or I'll tell them happy birthday or that sort of thing and we just kind of communicate that way it's usually just through like text and so but I can see it right now they're actually in Europe because that's where he's stationed and so he they're pretty far away so but I can see his time goes on and as as he gets older I I can see us being more involved I can

40:16see him him and I'm meeting and I can see us spending time together I can see me going to his wedding or a graduation things like that as time goes on so I know that's not it might not be the case and I was fully prepared for that when I did a semi-open but with how amazing this family is and how open they just already are I can definitely see that being a possibility love that so what advice would you give to others who are navigating these relationships and adoption and how to make the relationship work um I I just say that

40:54you should you should be supportive and you should and my biggest thing is counseling and therapy there's nothing wrong with it and so I definitely think is you know you kind of navigate through it and face all these different challenges and stuff like that that it's it's okay to get help it's they're so afraid to ask for help and because I know I was because I already felt embarrassed and ashamed anyways but asking for help was just not something you wanted to do and so I think asking for help is just the biggest thing don't

41:27be ashamed to do that what have you struggled with regarding adoption and what do you wish others understood I wish people were more educated and I wish birth mothers were more educated I it's it's slowly moving I guess like 50 years ago you could say even less than that 30 years ago it was more about the adopted the adoption family the ones that you know the child was placed with

41:59rather than the birth moms and it was not focused on that and so I think that some of the challenges that adoption faces is the fact that these women don't understand because they're not educated they they need they understand they need to understand that you have control in a situation where you've lost it you know you experience an unplanned pregnancy you're just like oh my gosh what do I do you know you feel like you've lost all control so when it comes to adoption I feel like these women need to be more educated on the fact that hey

42:32I do have control I get to pick the family I get to pick their race or their religion or their values or you know what they do for Christmas you know I get to have some control where they live and where they don't and I wish people knew that because I feel like that's what's so intimidating is these women find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy and they go into it not realizing that they have full control over this situation and so instead they just think oh they're gonna take my baby and I'm never gonna see this baby again

43:02but and that's how it was not too long ago but definitely it's evolved into something a lot more beautiful and a lot more healthy for everyone involved absolutely all right so how do you think your experience of placing your baby for adoption has shaped your life plans at this point oh man it's shaped everything it's I've based my whole career on it I got my degree in social work in sociology and now like I've said I work for adoption calm and just last week I

43:34spent a couple days at the Gladney Center for adoption on adoption day and got to watch almost 50 adoptions finalized and that's what I do and that's what I love so how is it shaped my life quite drastically it's it's literally my life's I'm trying to make it my life's work as you could say just trying to help all these women by using the experience I had in order to help them I love that so you'd say your career aspirations are really to help

44:07other women experiencing unplanned pregnancy definitely definitely yeah and I just want to continue to do that very cool all right so what do you think some of the biggest challenges that the adoption community faces are I think it's just back to the fact that people aren't educated I wish that you know people understood what adoption was because if you look back like I said years ago it was something that wasn't you know the best situation but in today's world we can do to the

44:39fact that people have studied it and they've studied birth mothers and they've studied what happens to a birth mother after her child is placed you know and they realize that all these closed adoptions from way back when really destroyed these women and how having an open adoption or semi open you know or having an adoption plan that you are in control of even if it is closed if that's what you want you know how to cope with it and the fact that people are more open I feel like it's just not taught so do you have any thoughts on things we can do to improve the adoption community or to make things better yeah

45:14I mean I personally wish we could teach it in school I really wish we could teach it in school because we teach about sex ed and obviously unplanned pregnancies happen because that concept just wasn't grasped or for me I was told I couldn't have children so it didn't seem like a precaution I needed to take and so you know that you've run into these situations where like I didn't even think I had to worry about sex ed but obviously I did but now it's too late so you know I wish we could teach in schools just these young kids just

45:49even if it doesn't happen because people think the majority of birth mothers are teenagers when they are not the majority of women I talked to are between the ages of I'd say 22 to 35 actually and I've even had women who are in their 40s come to me and so but I wish if if they had known from a younger age what the adoption process looked like and what would happen and what control you have in a situation if it does happen then I feel like the process would be

46:21less intimidating so I feel like we teach sex ed in school but we don't teach up the the backup so you know we don't go in with planned parenthood if that's what they want to do we don't go in with adoption and so when it does happen and the whole sex ed top doesn't work they're not sure what to do so I feel like if we were allowed to educate kids at a younger age it would be less intimidating if it were to happen to them quick question so what you said you were told that you wouldn't be able to have kids yeah yeah I was yeah I just I have a lot of ovarian cysts and ovarian cancer runs in my family and so I was

46:56told hey due to the mass amount of your ovarian cysts you probably will not be able to have children so I went to school thinking hey this isn't something I need to take a precaution with because I was told that it couldn't happen anyways and so I also wasn't very educated as I should have you know I feel like people should be more open as well with with women and their cycles and how they work and what to track and what not to track and when to track because it's those things that probably had I known I mean at least I would have been more aware about it but I feel like luckily that's slowly becoming a subject

47:30that's not so hush hush but it definitely was and I feel like that would be something else that we could be like hey if you don't want to experience an unplanned pregnancy here's some things to know you know so yeah I think it's just education we just need to educate people because things have changed so drastically in the last 30 50 years and so we need to reamp you know hey this is actually how it is this is how it used to be but it's changed I love that

48:00education empowering women yeah that's awesome all right is there anything else you want to talk about no I just thank you for allowing me to have this opportunity it was it was great and I really appreciate you giving me a platform that I'm able to share such a special and sacred experience to me well we really really appreciate you opening up and sharing your story beautiful we really want to enjoy sharing this with our listeners thank you I'm excited

48:30we just want to give a huge thanks to Caitlin Jensen for being willing to meet with us and sharing with us her experiences so grateful for her openness and for her life's work now to improve adoption and the experience that

49:04expectant mothers and birth mothers are having near the end of the episode Caitlin shared about the importance of education in the adoption world and as a podcast our hope and our purpose really for existing is to help educate and to really look at adoption from all sides of the adoption triad and hear experiences and better understand the feelings and the process through so many people's eyes so our hope is that we are helping fulfill her her goal in

49:40educating the community and our hope also is that you as you listen to these episodes can share what you're learning with others whether that's sharing an episode or just relating a story or something that you've heard the more that we can share the more that will improve the knowledge about the adoption community and I think the better in the end we'll be able to make the experience for adoptees thank you so much for listening to this episode of the open

50:10adoption project podcast we'll be back with a new episode next week

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