Happiest Place on Earth

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. We're the Nelsons. I'm Lynette. And I'm Sean. In this episode, we'll be telling you about one time that we went to Disneyland. Well, we will talk about when we went to Disneyland, but it won't be all about that. We'll actually be talking about how a trip to California led up to us meeting our third child's birth parents. And we'll also share some thoughts on naming adopted children. And we'll be sharing an interview with our five-year-old son, who is an adoptee,

0:30sharing some of his current thoughts and perceptions about adoption. He's a sweet little boy. I think you'll enjoy that. Thanks for joining us for this episode. Today, we're picking back up with our family's adoption story. When we left off, we had talked about meeting with an expectant mother that we had met through a mutual friend and how we pretty much matched to adopt her baby, but because of agencies and the ethics of that particular agency,

1:09it ended up not working out. But we were approved again. And so since we had all that paperwork done and we weren't sure, like we were thinking that there probably were more kids for our family, but I don't know if we were super optimistic. We already had two kids. We decided to put our names on an adoption profile hosting site just to see what would happen. And really, I think our mentality was set it and forget it. Like Lynn had just mentioned, like, I don't know how optimistic either of us were about this actually happening, but we figured we might as well do it. So yeah, yeah, I don't think we were really expecting anything to happen.

1:43And so that's partly why I think it's kind of crazy. This was our shortest wait time, right? From the time we had our profile go up until the time we were contacted by expectant parents who ended up placing with us. Yeah, it was definitely about a week after we put it online. We went to California. Was it really just a week? I think it was a week, maybe two. I think it might have been two, maybe even three. It wasn't very long. It was definitely less than a month. Yeah, it was less than a month. Yeah, it was crazy. So we went to California. It was one of our annual California beach therapy trips that we've talked about.

2:17And it was wonderful. We had this great week. Our last day in California, we woke up exhausted. We had just spent the whole previous day at Disneyland. And I had read all these things about how you should make Disneyland all about your kids and say yes all day and do all these things. And so it had been a long, exhausting day of yes. And so Sean woke me up the next morning at like 6 a.m. And I was kind of ticked off because I wanted to rest up after that really long day.

2:49Well, I think maybe I had woken up with one of the kids early in the morning and they fell back asleep right away and I couldn't. So I was looking at my email and I noticed in my inbox that we had received an email from a caseworker that was working with an agency near where we lived. The email basically said that they were working with an expectant couple and trying to find a match for them. And they were a relatively new agency at the time and didn't have a lot of hopeful adoptive parents in their pool yet.

3:23They didn't really match with any of the couples that the agency had. So in the email, it stated some of the reasons that they were reaching out to us, some of the things that they were looking for. Yeah, they wanted a family where someone in the family spoke Spanish because he was half Hispanic. And they were also hoping for an open adoption. Yeah. And so they were looking at us because they knew that we already had open adoptions and because Sean speaks Spanish. And something about us and I don't know if it was our picture or something in our bio or something stood out to them.

3:56We replied to the email and we said that we would love to connect with them and meet them. And a quick reply came saying, how about we Skype? This was pre-Zoom time. How about we Skype tomorrow so that you can meet one another? This was 2015. So this was before Zoom was a big thing. It was before people FaceTimed very often. And so a Skype meeting sounded kind of weird. I don't think it was ever done that.

4:27Yeah, it wasn't natural. Yeah, it felt really strange. And so we hurried home from the time we had that email connection. We started heading back home and we got home about 30 minutes. So we got home and put both of the kids down for naps. And then it was time to hop onto the call. We were travel worn but and vacation worn. Yes, but we were excited. Yeah, for sure. So we hopped on the computer and had our first ever Skype meeting with expectant parents.

4:59It was really, really interesting. So we met for about I think about a half an hour and basically could just kind of ask questions to get to know one another. Well, and it was interesting because we had never met with anybody online like that before. And obviously that includes expectant parents, right? And so it was really hard to read their social cues. It was hard to get a good feel on if this was a good match. And by the end of our conversation, I'm pretty sure we were both just like,

5:31eh, they're not going to pick us. Yeah, it's hard to read emotion. It's hard to read body language. And so by the end we were just like questioning like how did that go? We didn't even really have a good sense for how it felt. I didn't think it went well because I didn't feel like we had this great connection. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't think we'd hear from them again. It was great to meet them. They were really nice, but we weren't sure what was going to happen. A few days passed and it was actually our anniversary that I got a phone call

6:05and it was this expectant mother that we had met with and she said, are you at home with your wife? And I said no, but I can get her on the phone. So I added Lynette to the call and she said, well, I have some news for you. We have decided that you are going to be his parents. And yeah, we were, I don't know about you, Sean. I was shocked. I was pretty shocked too. Like so excited, but so shocked.

6:35Yeah. So that was, it was an awesome moment. I can remember where I was standing like in my office at work and just that moment's kind of burned into my memory. It's really, it was really sweet to get to talk with her for a few minutes. And I think at that point, like she opened up a little bit more. I think that maybe, I mean, we were probably all a little guarded on the Skype call, but she opened up a little bit more and I could feel that relationship starting to build. Yeah. Yeah, me too.

7:06And so that was the beginning where we set up a time for us to go and meet them in person. We got to meet because the birth parents were together, the expectant parents at that point. They were together still and we're making the adoption plan as a team. So we went out. It was about an hour and a half away and went to their house with our kids and got to know them a little bit there. Yeah. So we spent just a little bit of time. I think we, do we have like a little picnic outside by the?

7:36Yeah, something like that. We'd had like a picnic and she had candy for our kids. Yeah. And the kids played on the playground right outside of their apartment. And when we were leaving our daughter who was almost four at this point, or no, she was four at this point, said, can I give baby a hug? And she was like, absolutely. And so we have this picture of our daughter hugging our son's birth mom's belly and actually giving him a kiss.

8:06It's really cute. It was really sweet. After that, probably just a week later, we went out kind of on a double date. Yeah. I mean, it was really great to go up with our kids, but with little kids, it can be hard to really make a connection and have conversation sometimes. And so we got a babysitter and went up without our kids so that we could talk more in depth about the adoption plan and about them and their background and just everything. And just like forming any relationship, spending time with each other,

8:37getting to know one another, sharing things that are important to us and they shared things that were important to them. And it was a great beginning to a relationship. We went bowling that night and I'm like, oh my gosh, you're due in like a week and you're bowling and it was funny. We had a really good night. Yeah, we had dinner and then hung out and did a couple of things. Yeah. And then we dropped expectant dad off at his place and we were driving expectant mom back to her house.

9:10And that's when we had the conversation about names. Do you remember that? We had a really great time and then we had kind of a heavy conversation that kind of freaked me out afterward. Each situation, each adoption is different and how you name children. It's going to be different from each one. We'll talk about that here. Should we just talk about it now? Yeah, let's talk about it. Yeah. So with our oldest, with our daughter, we were matched with her birth parents a couple of months before she was due. Yeah, she was due nine weeks later.

9:40And so we got to go to an ultrasound with her birth mom. And after that ultrasound, we went out to breakfast together and across the breakfast table, we just mentioned like, hey, we're thinking about this name and we really like it. And her birth parents really liked it too. And so we were all so happy. I was so glad they liked it. It was a really special sentimental name after my, an extra grandma to me, a bonus grandma. So that one was, you know, it went pretty well.

10:10And then with our first son, we, as we shared the story in previous episodes, it was kind of this whirlwind of overnight having a baby. And at the hospital, the morning we went to sign papers, we approached his birth parents and said, hey, we really like this name. And his birth mom was just so mature about this and said, you know, that's a great name, but it doesn't matter what I think. He's your baby. Yeah, we were trying to, I mean, get permission isn't right,

10:42but we wanted all of our kids' birth parents to like our kids' names, right? Because it's their child too and we want them to like their name. Yeah. And if, I mean, you never know if they have a negative connotation towards someone's name or somebody, right? And so we wanted to be respectful. But when we said, what do you think about this name? She liked it, but was like, hey, you know, we want you to name him. And it was, it was really, it was just really sweet. For this experience with our third baby, just a little background. Our third son's birth mom has older kids too.

11:14He's her last baby, but her older kids, she named, right? And so I think it was just never a question to her about would she be naming him? Which makes sense. Yeah. And so we talked about it and she said, like basically shared like, oh, you know, I kind of imagined me naming him, but well, let's do this together. Yeah. And she started suggesting names and we started getting a little freaked out. Her favorite name was almost identical to our older son's name,

11:46except it had an extra E-N at the end or U-M something at the end. It had a little... Yeah, it was super similar. Where it was Wade's name. And when she realized that she's like, oh, that's not going to work. We said, well, what do you think about this? We'll give you like our top three names that we've been thinking about and we'll let you choose. And she was pretty on board with that. And so we did. Yeah. And she picked the name. I think that we were all liking the most. It was my favorite. It wasn't your favorite, but it was a bit challenging,

12:20especially emotionally, just trying to get to the point where we got to that solution, where we all felt good. There were a few days where we had a bit of tension just trying to figure out the naming situation and what to do so that everyone would be happy with what we did. As adoptive parents, we really, really respect expectant parents. And we want to make sure that they're comfortable with the decision that they're making for their baby and with how things play out.

12:51But like we've mentioned, too, we want to make sure that we're comfortable, too, with how things... And so it's kind of this balancing act and again, back to kind of just general relationships, right? There's some give and take. And I think in adoption, there are some things that birth parents probably or expectant parents don't want to bend on and adoptive parents are the same. But there's probably a lot of gray area where you're kind of okay with something. So just like with any relationship, you need to talk things through.

13:23Be honest about what you're thinking, what you're feeling. And be okay with uncomfortable moments so that they don't happen later. Yeah, yeah, you need to let those uncomfortable conversations happen so you can figure things out. You don't want to stuff it onto a closet and hide it and wait for it to get awful. So we decided on a name and it was due just a few days later. And then with our fourth child naming him, it's really interesting to see the evolution of how involved the expectant parents were

13:56with naming our kids as time went on. Because with our fourth child, we had this great relationship that happened really fast with his birth parents. And we were texting and all of a sudden his birth mom texted us and said, hey, I am thinking about these two names. And they were both names that frankly, neither of us would ever use. Like we were just like, oh, I can't see either of those.

14:27I mean, there's nothing wrong with these names, right? It's just... Well, and we also had decided that I don't know for some reason. I think this was me a long time ago. Yeah, this was you and it sounds silly now. It does sound silly, but all of our kids have the same number of letters in their name. Yes, Shawn was really into that. I don't know why. But so we shared with her that we shared a couple of the names that we liked and it was interesting. We kind of went back and forth all afternoon texting.

14:57And finally we came to a name where it was actually kind of a mixture of my name and his birth father's name. And it's a name that we had actually looked at for all of our boys with our first two boys. It was on our list, but it just didn't feel right. And then by the time our third son was born, it was on our list and it felt right. And his birth parents loved it and we loved it. And so that was our first time really naming one of our kids together.

15:27And it was actually really neat. It went really well. It was stressful for the first little bit for me because I really like to be in control. And when all of my favorite names were being vetoed, I was like, oh no, but it worked out. Yeah, it all worked out really beautifully. And so back to the story of our third adoption. He was due just a few days after those conversations. Actually, I mean from the time... Yeah, that bullying day was like a week before he was due.

15:59Yeah. And we thought he was going to come early and we were sure because as you have more kids, they come earlier generally. But he ended up coming on his due date. Yeah. So when our third child was born, we actually found out over Facebook. His birth mom posted and like had an announcement picture and she had a different name than the one we had talked about with it. And she didn't tell us anything. She didn't mention anything about adoption.

16:29And so we saw that and we were both kind of like, is she changing her mind? Like we want to be supportive no matter what she's doing, but we were just confused. Like what is going on here? And then about two hours later, her sister ended up texting us and sending us some pictures of him letting us know some of the stats and stuff. And so that was like, okay, well, maybe she is going to stick with her adoption plan. Either way, we were both kind of feeling like really anxious about...

16:59Yeah, just because she was sharing the information, but not with us. And we weren't sure what that meant. And yeah, we just didn't want and we didn't want to be bothering her during that time. It was her time. Yeah, we wanted to give her... If she was choosing adoption, hospital time is sacred and special and we didn't want to invade bugger. I don't know. Yeah. So we wanted to give her her space and let her have that time and experience. And really with her with her caseworker through the adoption agency, they weren't really communicative to each other.

17:32The agency wasn't very helpful at that moment. Yeah, it was really it was hard. Yeah, they didn't really facilitate communication and... Yeah, so that day went by. Well, and we talked to the agency, didn't we? And they were like, just talk to her. Yeah, reach out to her and we tried and didn't hear anything. Yeah, I don't think we tried too much. No. Again, we were trying to be chill. So that day went by. We didn't hear back. The whole next day went by and nothing. Yeah. So we had like two days of major anxiety where we were like sad because it looked like this wasn't going to be our baby.

18:09And we were trying to not think about it too much, but it was hard not to. And we were seeing things on Facebook and we wanted to respect his parents decision and whatever they wanted to do. We weren't sure what to think. So the next day came and the next morning I went to work just like regular because I wasn't we weren't sure how things were going to pan out. And pretty early in the morning my phone rang and it was his birth mom. And in the conversation, Kenny went like this like, hey, when are we going to do this thing?

18:43And I'm like, are like the adoption? She's like, yeah. And I said, well, as soon as you want to like what's your plan? And she's like, well, I can be discharged at any point. So how fast can you get to the hospital? And I was like, well, we're about an hour and a half away. We've got Linnet at home with the two kids and we need to find a babysitter quick. And so I said, you know, we'll be there in less than two hours. And I called Linnet and her phone rang and rang and rang and she was not answering her phone.

19:17And you know, from my side, I had actually turned off my phone because I was so wound up with all the emotion of thinking this wasn't going to happen that I just turned it off because I knew in my gut that nothing was going to happen and we weren't going to get a call. And I didn't want to have to deal with that. And I called and called and it was probably in your purse. So you weren't hearing it or feeling a vibrate. You were at the store with the kids. And finally I was like, okay, I'm going on to where's my iPhone or find my iPhone.

19:51And I didn't even know that was a thing. And so I pinged her phone so that it would make noise even though it was on silent. And finally she got it and called me back. And everyone at the store thought that it was like an alarm in the store going off. My diaper rack is just pinging. So I was like, hey, we need to go to the hospital. And I had already called our neighbors and asked if they. When did you call them after you gave up on calling me? After I called you a couple of times and I'm like, well, I need to work on getting a babysitter. So we'd call their neighbors and ask if we could drop off the two big kids at their home.

20:24And they were happy to watch them. So we jumped in the car and we joked for about an hour and a half. And I had started working on a little gift basket for just in case this all worked out, but it was very incomplete. I remember feeling like we needed to stop and buy stuff for the gift basket first. But Shawn was just like, nope, she wants us there soon. We're going. And we did have a few things that we had purchased in a week and so the week before.

20:58But yeah, so we jumped in the car, got to the hospital. And I don't know for me walking into the hospital this time felt a little different. Like what? I don't know. Like I felt like really confident that the first one was going to happen the way that it looked like it would happen. Our second one was just like whirlwind overnight. And this one was just kind of like, man, he could or could not have been my baby in a decision made that day.

21:28And I don't know. I just remember walking in. It felt different and it felt maybe a little bit more emotional than the other two. Kim, like less in your control. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm a control freak too. So I love I love being able to see how situations are going to pan out and I just I just couldn't see it. So maybe maybe that's why I felt different for me. Yeah. Yeah. For me, I just remember walking in and seeing this mother.

21:59She's holding our baby and she's already starting to cry. And I walked over to her and we just hugged with baby in the middle of us and we hugged for a long time. Two minutes, three minutes. It was a big long hug where I just sit in the door watching. Yeah, we were both just crying and baby was content and sleeping between us. But yeah, it was it was heavy. Yeah. And so after this very long embrace between you two, we all started talking a little bit.

22:31We gave her a little gift bag that had our teddy bear that we've talked about before and a couple other little things and gave lots of hugs. And and I think she wanted to leave pretty rapidly. I don't I think she was wanting to be alone to grieve. Yeah. And so it was pretty short after the long hug. Yeah, but we did. I think we did even set a time at that point where we would have her come over to the house. Yes. Yeah, we wanted to make sure that it was like you would come soon.

23:03We could. Yeah, maybe even less than the weekend after. I think it was like five days later or something. And she left and we were there with our son and with a representative from this adoption agency that had signed on with us. It do feel like we need to talk just a little about this adoption agency since we did talk about the red flags we saw with a previous agency and just how this one was different and our way of determining if we felt like this was an ethical agency and one that we felt okay working with.

23:40And it was a brand new agency. So there wasn't really much history to see with it. Yeah, but the way that they talked about and treated expected parents was very respectful and gave them a lot of autonomy and a lot of like decision making power, which which they deserve. Yes. And they need. And there was a lot more focus on counseling too. Yeah, it seemed like they were doing more options counseling. Yeah, it felt good. Yeah. Well, while right after birth, it was a little hectic and communication lines between everyone were a little strained.

24:19Overall, we had a really positive experience. Yeah, working with this agency. Yeah, it did seem like they were much more ethical and like they were much more focused on treating expectant parents well and empowering them. Yeah. So we signed papers with the agency there at the hospital. We were there for probably about a half an hour after his birth mom left and we jumped in the car and I just remember you were doing all the paperwork and I was just holding our new baby.

24:50And he was so tiny and so sweet, so sweet. So this was the first time that we went to the hospital and came home with a baby the same day. So we were there and within an hour we left and jumped back in the car and came home and met with our neighbors who were watching our kids. And one of them had fallen and busted open his lip and we thought he might need stitches. So just made the day even more exciting.

25:20It was a really, really sweet moment when they got to meet their little brother. Yeah, we have some really cute pictures of our older kids holding our third baby. It was really cute. They were also little at that time. I don't think we realized how little they all were that we had pretty much three little babies at once. Four year old, not even a two year old and this brand new baby.

25:50So what we thought was a regular trip to California and Disneyland ended up being the beginning of an adventure that brought baby boy. Baby number three into our family and his birth family. So that proves that California actually is a magical place and maybe Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Up next, we're going to have a brief little interview with him and you'll get to see a little bit of his fun personality and hear what he thinks about adoption.

26:25Yeah, so this is the perspective of a five year old adoptee. And of course, we know our kids perspectives are always changing, but we hope that you enjoy hearing what he thinks right now. Hi, how are you today, buddy? Good. What are some things that you like?

26:56I like things that my color is orange. What other things do you like? I like one of my movies, but I don't know which one it is. But my favorite song on Disney Plus is Mickey Mouse on the Road to Racers. Oh, you like that?

27:27Yeah, I like Mickey. So they put it, mom and dad put it, some stickers so I could remember Mickey on the cell. I've been searching for Mickey on Road to Racers on Disney Plus. Okay, what are some things that you don't like? I don't like doing scary movies.

28:07I don't like them. They help me to get bad dreams. I don't like scary movies either. What does adoption mean? It means that I'm in someone's tummy and I'm in my birth mom's tummy. Are you still in your birth mom's tummy? No, I'm out. I'm glad you're out.

28:37How do you feel about your birth mom? I feel about she loves me. How do you feel about your birth dad? My birth dad is so good. I really, really like him so much. And how do you feel about your birth brother? My birth brother is so nice to me. He always does nice things and make me get silly.

29:10Does your birth family love you? Yes. What do you like to do with them? I like to play games with them. How do you feel about your grandmas and grandpas? My grandmas and grandpas are so nice to me too. What do you like to do with them? I like to play games and all stuff. How do you feel when you spend time with your birth family? I spend time about them doing funny stuff and doing nice stuff.

29:45And how do you feel? I feel so happy. So you were in your birth mom's tummy. Buddy, how did you get to our family? The doctors took them out and you went to the hospital. And when I come out, you went, aw, this cute baby is so cute. And then you went back home. With you? Yeah, with me. Such a cute baby.

30:15Yeah. You're so sweet, buddy. Yeah, I am. Do you remember when you met mom and dad in the hospital? You were with your birth mom and then mom and dad came? My birth mom had this pink shirt. My mom had a pink shirt and went like, whoa, whoa. And it was so crazy. I kept saying it. You remember that, huh? Yeah, I do remember that part. Because I saw you doing that. My brain is always smart.

30:46You are so smart. Yeah, I am so smart. You're so smart too, mom. Oh, thank you. Are you glad that you were adopted? Yeah, I was glad when I was adopted. I was glad to see you. How do you feel about being in our family? Very, very good. How do you feel about having lots of family with your birth family and us? You are so nice to me. What do you want to say about adoption?

31:16I want to say about adoption helps me to feel glad. Why? Because it makes me happy a lot. What about it makes you happy? It helps me to be nice, happy, and kind of sad when they leave. When your birth family leaves, you feel sad, huh? Yeah. Can you talk to me more about that? Yeah. So when my birth family got me some presents,

31:50I really liked them. And when they left, I got so sad. It's so sad when people we love have to go, huh? Yeah. Do you wish you saw your birth family more? Yeah, I wish I could do it tomorrow, but I can't do it tomorrow. It has to take a long time. But it's kind of nice when I go to grandma and grandpa's house. It feels so nice there. Thank you so much for being on the podcast.

32:22Do you want to say anything else? I want to say that I really like myself and like my family a lot. Thanks for listening to this episode. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Open Adoption Project. We will be back next week with another episode and a new interview.

32:52Thanks again for listening to the podcast. We hope that you enjoy our episodes, and we hope that they're helpful for you. If you have any questions that you would like us to consider for future episodes, we'd love to hear from you also. We love doing interviews. And if you or someone you know has a compelling adoption story or is involved in the adoption world and you think that it would be great to hear from them, please, we would love to get that referral. You can reach us on Instagram at Open Adoption Project

33:22or on Gmail at openadoptionproject.gmail.com. Thanks so much for listening. We'll see you next time. [?aliens, be at our laid out community and be safe.

33:59I'm so a joker. You are so a joker.

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