Alexa | “I’m Strong, But That Doesn’t Mean I’m Okay”

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. We're the Nelsons. I'm Sean. And I'm Lynette. In this episode we'll hear from Alexa. She's a birth mother and she'll share her story and her feelings and some of her thoughts with you. We're really excited for you to hear from her. Alexa placed her daughter for adoption just a couple months ago and she has an open adoption so that means she has an ongoing relationship with her baby daughter and she'll talk about that a lot with us today. Alexa loves kids, she loves spending time in the outdoors

0:30and she loves spending time with her loved ones, her friends and her family. She also thinks that snacks are great but then don't we all? We know that you're going to love hearing from Alexa today. We hope you enjoy this episode. Alright, we are now on a podcast with Alexa. Alexa, thanks so much for being with us.

1:03Yeah, no problem. Well, let's go ahead and get started with you sharing your experience with adoption as a birth mother. Well, to start things off I might as well start from the very beginning. I grew up very religious, you know, the whole situation getting pregnant without being married is frowned upon. And so obviously at that point you're given three options.

1:33One of them I don't believe in so I obviously didn't go with that option is abortion, adoption and keeping the baby. And from the very beginning, I mean growing up I always wanted kids. Like that was my ultimate goal in life is to be a mom. And so from the very beginning my idea was to keep the baby. And that's just how it was from day one and my parents were like, we'll help support you. Obviously they didn't take it real great either because

2:06they were always supportive. So I had a support system I could have kept her. But anyway, as the process went on at about five months, my situation changed. I had more things to think about. It started getting more real to me about the whole situation. And so I had weighed the pros and cons of both keeping her and giving her up for adoption.

2:39And it had come up about even. But then I started thinking about my life as a whole and where I was at, where I wanted to go. And I like knew I was I mean, I'm still young, I'm only 20. I was 19. I haven't done a lot of things I want to do yet. And having a baby kind of throws a kink in your schedule.

3:12And I wasn't prepared for it and I wasn't with the father. I was thinking one night and I actually I had a boyfriend at the time, which I didn't think when I got pregnant that anybody would want to date me pregnant. Nobody my age is ready for that commitment. And he knew about the whole situation. And I asked him, I said, be completely honest with me.

3:42What would happen like if I decided to keep the baby? And we talked about it. And he said he would like to try, but it probably wouldn't work. And so at that point, I was kind of like, OK, well, that's a big thing to add into the thought process. Not that he wasn't OK with it. We had been together for a few months at that point. I was like, OK, I like where this is going.

4:13I don't want to deal with that. Break up at the end of all of this, that wouldn't be great for the emotions. But anyway, so that night I went home and I talked to my mom. I was like, OK, I'm thinking about adoption. And I had actually been given a fourth option by my parents. My parents said they would adopt the baby and take financial responsibility and all the responsibilities needed. They would take those responsibilities.

4:44And then when I was ready, they would let me handle that. But nothing had felt right to me. None of my options felt right. And then my mom was like, well, if you're thinking about adoption, I think you should call your cousin Whitney. And so I called her and she came over. And but before she got there, I also called another friend of mine

5:17who is around my age, a little bit younger. And her and her boyfriend had just gone through the same situation. She had gotten pregnant and they put their baby up for adoption. And I said to her, look, I don't want you to tell me what you think I should do. I don't want you to give me any advice. I don't want to hear any of that. I just need to hear what your experience with adoption from beginning to end. I need you to tell me exactly how you felt, the downs, the good things,

5:49the bad things, everything. Just tell me. And so she sat there and she said, well, trust me, it's not easy. And she told me all the things. So at that point, I was like, OK, well, I think I can do this. Like, it's going to be rough, but I think I can do this. I'm strong enough that I can provide a better life for my baby by giving it to someone else than I can by keeping it.

6:19And so at that point, I initially made the decision to adopt. But I told my mom, I was like, I know I'm going to question my decision throughout this whole thing. So if I ever start questioning it, you need to remind me why I made this decision. And so my cousin came over and she I told her the whole story. And instantly, she was like, I know so many people looking to adopt right now.

6:49And so she pulled up this picture of the family and she said, this family lives in my congregation. I've known them for a while and they've been looking to adopt for, I don't know exactly how long, I think it was a couple of years. They've been looking to adopt. They already had two boys and they just felt like their family wasn't complete. And so they had been looking and they had had a pretty bad experience

7:19where a mother had agreed to the adoption and she was having twin girls. And she lived in California and she was looking to adopt. And they went and they flew to the hospital and they met the babies. And then last minute, the mom decided that she couldn't do it and kept the babies, which I can't blame her because I've been through the situation. I know how hard it really is to make that decision.

7:51But it was also hard on them because they got attached and, you know, were already like really accepting the idea. So I can't I can't blame that blame her, but also really hard. So they had had a rough go about with the adoption. And instantly, I kind of felt drawn to them. So but I didn't feel comfortable going and meeting them alone. So I asked my cousin to go with me and we met at Chili's. And when I met her, she was instantly just so bubbly and excited and happy.

8:24And she came up to me, she goes, can I give you a hug? I was like, yeah. And she's like, don't worry, I'm not expecting anything big. But I just I would like to give you a hug because the situation you're going through isn't easy. She was amazing and her husband was so nice and they are just amazing people. And I was instantly like, I really liked it. I like loved these people already, and I didn't even really know them. But then I met with another family and they were amazing, too. The birth father was there through this whole process, like he was part of it,

8:57but he wasn't directly involved as much. And he basically told me whatever decision I decided to make, he he would support it, whether or not it was what he wanted to do or not. He would support whatever decision I chose to make. We met we met with the other family and they were great, too. But ultimately, we decided that we wanted to stick with the Frost family. They set me up with someone to help protect my needs in the whole thing and to help me understand what I was agreeing to do.

9:27And the whole process, the Frost were just amazing. I was going over there and hanging out with them. They invited me over for dinner. And we discussed and they were always very hesitant. Like once it got closer, I asked, I asked them if they had thought of any names. And she's like, no, I'm just a little worried because of what happened. And I said, I promise I'm not going to do that to you. My sister also had a situation with twins, but the father kind of disappeared.

10:02And she brought somebody with her all the way up to the hospital and then decided to keep the babies. I knew how that could hurt people. So I didn't want to do that to them. And I needed to stick with my decision. I knew that was what's best for me and what's best for the baby. I once I made that decision, I couldn't go back on it. Otherwise it would just make it that much harder for me and the people supporting me. And so I made that decision and I said to her, you can start thinking about that.

10:34It's okay. I'm like, you're good. And so she'd send me, she knew I had a fruit craving, like massive fruit craving. So she sent an edible arrangements to my house and it was just, they were always so kind and so understanding of my situation. Then we started talking about who was going to be in the room and how they were going to get to meet the baby. And once it got closer, that stuff had to start being discussed.

11:08And from the beginning, I wanted like a first day of the baby's life is crucial. Like bonding time. I also knew if I had had that alone time without her there, it would be harder for me. To hand her off. I mean, I was already way attached to the baby and she hadn't even been born yet. Like I was attached to her little kicks, you know, things like that. And so I knew that I needed her in the room, but people discouraged me. They're like, well, that's your time. That's the only time you actually have.

11:39So you don't have to have her in there. And I was like, but I want her in there and people discouraged me. And because of COVID, I could only have one person in the room with me after. During delivery, I could have two people and they didn't have to be the same people as in their recovery room, but I could only have one person. So then I started rethinking that whole decision. And then I made, then I was like, okay, this is what I want. So my friends all had her in this numbering case.

12:09I went into labor and they were all like, first time meeting her. Like, Oh, by the way, Alexis in labor. Then the night I went into labor that day, I had kind of been feeling weird, but I mean, I'd never been pregnant before. So how am I supposed to know what it feels like? So I didn't really, I didn't thought they were just regular contractions. They were a little bit more painful than they had been the past year. They were a little bit more painful than they had been the past couple of days,

12:40but didn't think much of it because they weren't close enough together. That is a big deal. And my friend was having her birthday party that night and what she wanted to do for her birthday, but she wanted to have a sleepover in her pool. And the best way I can explain this is you get a big blow up pool from Walmart and you fill it, blow it up and fill it with pillows and blankets. And then you put it in your pool and you sleep in the pool, in the pool.

13:13And you can imagine, I mean, I was, I was mega pregnant. I mean, climbing into that thing wasn't easy, but that's what she wanted to do. So anyway, we were in that pool and I mean, we swam for a little bit beforehand. Um, before going to sleep and while we were swimming, I was just, it was bad. The contractions were pretty painful, but I was counting between them and they weren't close enough together. I was still like, eh, whatever, you know?

13:46So we got into the pool and we all fell asleep around 12. Well, at two in the morning, it started raining. We were all awake and ran inside. And when we got inside, I couldn't get back to sleep. Could not, it was so painful. And so my friend that had just given her baby up for adoption was actually there. And so I turned to her and I was like, is this, should I, should I be worried? And she's like, I don't know how far apart are they? And I was like, well, why don't you just feel it and see it?

14:17And then she's like, okay, yeah, those are pretty close together. So I called my mom and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I called my mom and I was like, so this is what's going on. I don't know if I should be calling the doctor. She's like, yeah, you should be calling the doctor. And so I got on the phone and they're like, well, come in and we'll get you in and we'll start, start monitoring you and making sure everything's going okay. So I get up at this point, it's probably like maybe four in the morning.

14:49And I get up and we get ready and we go to the hospital. They were just taking forever to get me into that room. I had to fill out all this paperwork. I'm like, I'm in labor right now. And so, but they said that the COVID rules have changed and now I could have interchangeable people. So I didn't have to have the same person in the room with me the whole time, but that was a good, good news. Anyway, so we went back into the room and I was there for a while and nurse came in

15:20and checked my, checked me and said, okay, you're not quite dilated enough. So we're going to have to come back and monitor in an hour. Well, an hour later, I wasn't dilated anymore. Still hadn't improved. And she's like, well, we're just going to send you home with morphine. It's like, no, you're not. But I mean, I was in a lot of pain and so I was like, maybe it's better. So she came back and I was like, how about 30 minutes instead of another hour? And she's like, I guess we can try that.

15:52So in 30 minutes and by she came back and I was at six and they're like, okay, we'll give you your epidural and everything. And the delivery went smooth and she came out, but she came out posterior. It was not fun, but I mean, okay. The reason why I'm telling this whole story is because after going through all that pain and stuff, the attachment is that much stronger because I mean, this isn't. Delivering a baby is hard.

16:23It's hard. It's insane. It's insane. You just went through all that work to bring that baby into this world. And now I'm thinking, well, now I have to give my hard work. I mean, I've grown that thing in my stomach for nine months. Uh, now I have to give it to someone else. So I had to start preparing myself for that decision. But anyway, I decided that I didn't want her leaving my room because I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. So we went to the recovery room and she was in there with me and anytime I needed a break

16:57should take the baby. And that way we both got bonding time and honestly, super helpful to have her there. Super helpful because it gave me the ability to see her. I could still have access to her and I, if I wanted to hold her. Great. Should give her right over, but I could also be able to, it prepared me for the open adoption portion because if I want an open adoption to work, I have to be able to be

17:29okay with seeing her in her future mother up. Mother's arms, like that's important. And so that was really, really good. And then I decided that I didn't want to sign the adoption paperwork at the hospital. It was too cold for me. Like the, it was too cut and dry. Like I wanted it to be more comfortable and decided that I wanted to do it at home. And so when it was time to leave the hospital, obviously it was really rough.

17:59Like it was really hard. Like I was like, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. Like I was like, I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. And so I was like, I'm not going to be able to do it. And so when I was in the hospital, obviously it was really rough. Like it was getting close. Like, and we drove to the, my house in the car together. And then when we got there, her husband and her two boys were there and her two little boys hadn't met her yet, but those two boys, they, they adore her.

18:29And they were like, I'm going to go meet her and look out for her. But the whole time I was pregnant, they're like, when is baby sister coming? You know, when is, it was just really cute. There is one story where the younger one of the two was sleeping and the older one goes, isn't he so cute, mom? And she goes, yeah, he is really cute. And he goes, he's going to make a good big brother. He's already a great little brother, but he's going to make such a good big brother. So cute. They didn't quite know what to do.

19:00They kind of stayed back a ways. And I was like, you want to hold her and do you know? No. And then my brother brought his two little girls that were around their age over and they got to hold her. And when the boys saw them holding her, they were like, okay, yeah. So they got to hold her and that was really nice because I could see how much she was going to be loved. There were four people at my house that were loving her and just absolutely adoring every second.

19:32And that was, that was really nice. And I was able to just sign them, but the hardest thing, hardest thing was when it was time for them to go home, I had to hand her to someone else to take home and that was, oh my goodness. Sorry. Yeah, that was, that was rough. I was going to leave the room and have somebody else hand her off that way.

20:02I didn't have to because I mean, that's my baby. Like I made that and it's, it's really, really hard. But anyways, so that happened in the first few days of rough. I mean, nights are really, really hard because you're so used to it. I could never be alone. Could never be alone. I constantly needed somebody in the room with me because I had had somebody

20:33with me for nine months, even though she was in my stomach, she was still with me. She made sure to remind me of that when she kicked me in the ribs. Yeah. So I was never alone. So once that happened, I had to have people with me and my family and friends were super supportive, which I was really lucky. I was really lucky. Honestly, a lot of girls don't get the kind of support I get. People are treated horribly for going through this situation.

21:06And it's funny because it's usually only the girls that get the hate for it. The guys can just, you know, they're like, oh, I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be alone. I'm going to be alone. And so I just, you know, get the girl pregnant and walk away and never have to deal with it again. I got a lot of support. Not a lot of girls do. And that really helped. But I mean, it's still hard.

21:37And so anyways, but then they wanted, I think it was they wanted 10 days before we, I came, my, it was funny. My doctor was like, so you might be a little late. We might have to induce you. And I mean, obviously I was dreading that I was like, no, get her out. So, but she ended up coming early and I had her on the 19th. My due date was the 30th. So we had a due date party and I got to see her and honestly, the love that they

22:12gave her was because one thing that really helps when you're thinking about adoption is that you think about it this way is this baby was unplanned. You aren't ready for it. I was nowhere financially prepared for wanting the baby yet, but when you give it to another family, they've been waiting for this baby. They, they're ready and I wasn't.

22:43And so that really helped too. And one thing that I was always told is to never think I could have done it because I mean, honestly thinking about it, I really could have made it work. I could have, it wouldn't have been ideal. It would have been, and it wouldn't, it probably wouldn't have been the best life for the baby, but I could have made it work. I could have if I really wanted it bad enough, but you can't think that way because that's just going to make it harder on yourself.

23:15And you're, I mean, it's okay to be sad about it. Like it is, it's not easy. It's really not. And no one can really understand how hard it is until they go through it. It people can say, oh, I, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I completely understand, but no, no, you don't understand until you've actually been through it. And that's one thing that was really nice. And I want people to know like that there are people out there they can talk to because one of the things that was really helpful for me is my, one

23:49of my best friends that had gone through the same thing. If ever I was feeling like nobody understood what I was going through, I'd call her and she'd, she'd come over. She had a really, she has a lot harder time talking about it. I've come to the conclusion that I need to be okay with talking about it because it helps me heal. Not that most people aren't okay with talking about it. And I think that's part of the reason why I need to talk about it because people need to know, people need to know about this situation.

24:21And so I, but having her was very healing and it helped me know that I wasn't alone and that I could be okay. But yeah. So, and I've met with her family a few times and got to go to the baby shower and hold her and she's getting big now. She's, let's see, it's almost the 19th. She's almost two months old. That's awesome. That's still very, very fresh. And I love your perspective, even, you know,

24:53two months postpartum. I think it's best to share the story when it's fresh because I mean, time changes things, things are different. I've gotten, I've talked to a lot of people about my story and so it's easier for me to talk about it now. And I kind of forced myself to do that because the first few times, yeah, I was, I was better at it. I mean, I definitely had a hard time talking about it, but I forced

25:26myself to, and I talked to my mom about when I was feeling down and I, and I had breakdowns the first couple of weeks, I just started crying out of nowhere, just, and I could have done it. I could have done it long. And she's like, it's okay. You know, you're okay. And she'd help me out of it, but I was, I was a mess. But now after like talking to so many people about my situation,

25:58I can talk about it without getting too emotional. And I think that's important too, because it shows that you can be okay. And I'm like, yeah, I'm still hurting. I'm not going to pretend like I'm not, but I'm okay. I'm okay. Ultimately, my life is still happy. I still have happiness in my life. I'm still able to do things, but that emotion will always be there.

26:35But it's like, I can prove to people that they'll be okay. I love that. So awesome. Well, thank you so much for sharing all that. That was really, really great. And I think a lot of people will resonate really well with that. What were your thoughts about and your experiences with adoption before you found out you were pregnant? Well, like I said, my sister had an unplanned pregnancy and she,

27:05she'd been looking into adoption. I had seen like adoption pamphlets in a room with families on them and stuff. And I had known people that had looked to adopt. My sister looked to adopt as well because she hasn't been able to have kids. So that's pretty much it other than my friend giving her baby up for adoption. But that happened around the same time that I found out I was pregnant.

27:42So yeah, that pretty much sums it up. I mean, I knew of it. I mean, you're told about it, but other than that, my aunt adopted her, one of her boys. And he's great. Fun. So you have a cousin who was adopted and then your sisters both had different experiences with it. Yes. Cool. So it was something that you had a bit more experience with probably.

28:12Yeah, not directly. It's not like I had talked to them directly about it, but yes, I knew of it. And you said that your family and your friends were really supportive. Can you share a few of the things they did that were really supportive and helpful to you? The father was always very, he was there and he helped when needed. But my best friend, she was constantly there emotionally.

28:43And if I needed help with something, her little sister was cute. Once I got super pregnant, her little sister would offer to tie my shoes. Super cute. Her family was super amazing. I spend a lot of time at my best friend's house. I mean, they're my second family. I love my family and I love her family. And both my family and her family were just super supportive.

29:13And her family, her mom would always be like, okay, Alexa, craving is time. What do you want on the grocery list? Aw, I love that. Yeah. I mean, Triscuits were my top notch craving. And so should always add Triscuits to the grocery list. That's really sweet. Yeah. So, and then obviously I had told, I mentioned my boyfriend. He was major support, major, major support. Well, give him a high five for me.

29:45Hey, you want to? There you go. That's awesome. So what advice would you give to other expectant moms as they're making plans for relinquishment and time in the hospital? Well, if they haven't made the decision yet, I would say don't let anybody influence your decision. This decision ultimately needs to be their own because I don't know, like you can't,

30:16if their parents are in saying, oh my gosh, you got pregnant, like don't let them to encourage you to put the baby up for adoption if that's not what you want. Because it's a hard thing to go through. And if you don't think you can handle it, that's completely your call. And it shouldn't be anybody else's decision to make for you. If you do decide on adoption, I would say it can be done.

30:46It can be done. And you'll bless somebody's life so incredibly. And I mean, I've honestly really loved, it gave me just as much as another family as it did give my baby. And obviously that depends on the person because my best friend, the other one that gave her baby up for adoption, she's got a very different experience.

31:18We've talked about that. And it depends on the birth mother, it depends on the adoptive parents, it depends, it's different for everyone. But for me personally, it was incredible. And you are allowed to say, hey, this is hard. And it's okay to hurt. It is. And it's gonna, and don't think that you're broken or any less of a person because you're hurting.

32:01Because you're not broken. You're strong. And I honestly think people need to know that because we are strong. That's the hardest thing a mother will ever have to do, ever. Absolutely. You shared a lot of how you've handled feelings and emotions, even relationships. And you're pretty positive about how things look.

32:33And you just mentioned though that it's hard, right? That it's a struggle. Can you maybe articulate or share a little bit about what has been the biggest struggle since you've placed? Since I've placed. My biggest struggle has been, well, so obviously, emotional, super emotional. And I mean, even before I put, so my biggest struggle during pregnancy was judgment.

33:06My decision was out on display. And it's, girls get judged. They do. And so do guys. But that was probably the hardest thing. I was pregnant. But when afterwards, the hardest thing was having to get used to the fact that my baby wasn't my baby anymore. I mean, she still is. But I have to get used to the fact that, like, you know, this was also really nice.

33:40It was a beautiful thing too. But after I had her, they made a post about me and the baby. And I read, I mean, they, hundreds of comments on their post, hundreds. And I read through every single one of them. People were saying, what a beautiful sacrifice and what a wonderful person she is to give you that gift and things like that. And honestly, that made me break down.

34:12That was hard because I was hurting. And they were all complimenting me and telling me how amazing I was. And I was hurting. That was probably one of the hardest things for me. I mean, yes, I appreciate that people are recognizing that I made a hard decision. And I mean, those, I love reading those comments. They were, again, I loved the comments, but it was also really hard. Because it was a pain, it was a painful experience.

34:43And people were all congratulating them on their brand new baby. And I didn't get that congratulations. Yeah. Our daughter's birth mom publicly has shared kind of the same experience as well. That while she's happy for us in this situation at the same moment, like it's a struggle. It's really hard. And seeing people congratulate them on that was rough. I mean, and the comments that didn't include me also hurt too.

35:17Because like, yeah, congratulations. I'm very, very happy that I was able to give them that. And I wouldn't change my decision for the world. I love them. And I'm so happy that I was able to provide them with what they have been waiting for. But that doesn't mean that I'm okay. So that was definitely rough. Yeah. Well, I think you articulated that really well. I think that people will grasp and kind of feel like maybe 1% of what you may have been

35:51experiencing. Yeah. I mean, I think nights were definitely the worst. And I couldn't sleep. Falling asleep was very, very difficult afterwards. You know what? In fact, that might've been the hardest. I don't know. This, it was the first couple of weeks were rough. First couple of weeks were rough. I had a really hard time sleeping. I couldn't sleep alone. So, oh, that's another support I got. So my best friend, she actually had to leave for Africa shortly after she slept over at

36:26my house every night. In the same room with me, she, so I didn't want to be downstairs in my room because it's too far away from my parents and I felt really alone. So we set up a little bed for me in the living room and there was a mattress and everything. And she laid on the floor on the mattress next to me and stayed there all night. And if I ever needed her, she had to reach her hand over and she'd be right there. And if she couldn't, she would be right there.

36:56And if she couldn't be there sleeping in the room, my mom would sleep on the couch with me. And if, and then we went, my parents planned a little like a week vacation to get my mind off of things afterwards to kind of help me not think about what I had been through. And so we went to California for a week and I was never alone there. And I mean, they let me bring Ben with me, my boyfriend, they let me bring him with and

37:31I was never alone and not, I mean, but if I ever was left alone, I panic, panic completely. I'd freak out if my mom ever said, can I leave for a few minutes? I'll be right back. I panic. It was, it was rough, really, really rough. Really, really rough. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing that. I think it's again, many, many people in the adoption triad don't understand that or

38:05experience that or see that. And so hearing that is really helpful for all of us to gain a little bit more understanding. So you have an open adoption relationship. So how has that changed over time so far with your baby's adoptive family? Before going over to her house, before going over to see her for the first time after the hospital, I was super worried about asking permission to hold my own baby. I pushed that out of my body and now I need permission to hold my own baby.

38:40And I was really worried. I was like, mom, what if, what if I have to ask? Like, she's like, you know, that they won't make you do that because they're amazing. I could go on and on with how amazing they are. They really are. And it's been perfect for me when I walked in, the baby was instantly put in my arms, just instantly. It was like, here she is. And I mean, I constantly get photos and videos of her. I mentioned that my friend also put her baby up for open adoption.

39:13And at the beginning, she wanted it really open, but now she can't handle it. It's too hard for her. So she's kind of lost touch. I mean, every so often they will meet up, but she's lost touch with the adoptive family because it was too hard for her. So it honestly, like I said, it depends on the person and the adoptive family. It depends on the person and the adoptive family. One thing like, again, depends on the person. I personally love it when I get random pictures from her, but some adoptive families are scared

39:47because they don't want to overstep any boundaries or anything. I was like, don't ever be afraid with me. But, and I know that my friend said that her, the adoptive family of her baby was kind of scared to reach out because they don't know how much time you need to heal. But honestly, I love the random pictures. I love them, but some people don't and she couldn't handle it. I love my bond with them is so strong.

40:17And I honestly feel like I can talk about literally anything. She came to a lot of my appointments with me at the OBGYN and she came to those with me. I was pretty exposed in a couple of those appointments. I can talk to her about anything. It's important to, if you're going to do an open adoption, I think it's important to bond with the adoptive parents before everything, because if you have that bond with them already built, then it won't be as hard to do everything with them.

40:51In the end, like after the birth, it will be a lot easier if you already have a bond with them. So we went out for dinner a lot before everything and we spent time together. And I think that was really helpful. Yeah, for sure. And I think that whole answer just highlights the importance of communication before placement, after placement, just making sure that you express your feelings. And I think that, I mean, it goes both ways, right? We need to just be open.

41:22And that's the key word is open. And if you're holding things back, then there's going to be miscommunications and things aren't going to go the way you want them to. If you're just completely honest with what you want out of the situation, and if they're completely honest about what they want out of the situation, it'll go a whole lot smoother. And if those things that you want ever change, tell them. Is there anything else that you want to talk about or address before we wrap up together?

41:52I would like to address the hate that girls like me get a little bit. Um, I, a few days before I had the baby, it was like maybe a week before I got a I was like maybe a week before I got a neuronomous text message. And, um, this text message, I mean, it started off like calling me. They started off and I was like, um, excuse me.

42:23And they were like, oh, I'm sorry, you're because you got pregnant out of wedlock. And I mean, I'm not the first girl that it's happened to. And just the fact that somebody would attack me so personally and not even do it with their name. And so I sent a message. I mean, again, not a lot of girls, I was able to stick up for myself because at this point, I had a, had a lot of time to think about my decision and understand that I was doing

42:53something hard. And so I stuck up for myself and I sent them a very, not, it wasn't ever, I didn't never like attack them personally, but I sent them a message and I said, I don't know who you are. And yes, I've made a mistake, but can it really be now that I'm past that, can it really be called the mistake? It's not a mistake for the frost family. It may be a miss, like it may have been something I did that I wasn't ready for, but it's not a mistake.

43:23Um, but I said, I said, I've, yes, um, I made a mistake and I'm sure you've made plenty yourself, including sending me these messages. I am strong. I did something hard and I made it through. I'm strong. And the fact that you're attacking me, it's not going to get anywhere because this is tough stuff. Um, later I said, you're not going to bring me down. They said, oh, I don't need to. The only thing you need to bring you down is the look of disappointment on your parents'

43:56faces for what you did. And I just think that's absolutely awful. I think that's horrible. That is horrible. We absolutely agree. I love what you said though, your response to them about we all make mistakes and they're making one right now and how they're treating you. Right? In the end, if something beautiful happened out of it, so I can't even call it a mistake. Right? We learned from, from the experiences that we have.

44:27And yeah, I'm sorry that you dealt with that. It's awful. I definitely knew I was going to get a bit of hate for my situations. Again, I want people to know that what girls like me go through and the fact that we get so much hate for it. And maybe hopefully that will help change some people's hearts. Maybe they won't be have such hard hearts towards people like me. We hope that too a lot. Well, Alexa, thank you so much for being here.

44:57Thank you so much for being on the podcast with us. This has been a great time and we re we truly thank you for your openness, for your vulnerability and for sharing your story. It will help a lot of people. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the open adoption project. We're so grateful for your support and for sharing your story with us today.

45:28We're so grateful for the support that you're sharing from Alexa and are so thankful for her being willing to share her heart with us today. Our podcast is now available on audible and Amazon music too. So you can find us on Apple, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, audible and Amazon. Please jump onto Apple or audible to give us a rating. We'll be back next week with a new episode. Good night.

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