Oh No, I Said Too Much!

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. We're the Nelsons. I'm Lynette. And I'm Sean. In this episode, we share things that we learned in our first year as adoptive parents and we'll share with you some of the experiences that we had during that first year.

0:40When I think about our first year as adoptive parents, the first thing that I think about is us trying to figure out that balance between oversharing and undersharing. I feel like we were really just in this dance of trying to get that right. Adoption is a really, it's a really interesting thing because it's this big deal that everybody knows about, right? Like, when we adopted our daughter, everyone in our neighborhood knew, our church congregation knew, all of our friends knew, and our family and extended family and they were so excited for us

1:14and they wanted to know all of the details because they loved us and they loved our daughter and it was wonderful. But it also was really hard because we suddenly realized that there was this juggling act of trying to not share too much of her personal story, but also share with people who loved us and just wanted to know our good news. Yeah, and one of the pieces of advice that we had received, I think it was in an adoption class or at an adoption conference, was that the adoptee

1:50has their own adoption story and of course we as their parents experience that story with them. As adoptive parents, we need to be judicious about how much we share the details of that story because it can kind of define who they are and define a little bit about how other people see them. And so, like Lynette mentioned, it was this kind of interesting balance for us to decide like, how much do we share, why are we sharing, what are we sharing, with whom are we sharing this information,

2:22and it was this juggle that we had to figure out. And honestly, I don't think we were really great at it with our first round. With our daughter, we are both really open people. When we were going through infertility, we talked a lot about it with everybody. We were really open about the hard things we were going through. It felt really natural to be really open about our daughter's story too, and over time we started seeing that maybe we should maybe not share quite as much and

2:55just be a little more careful about certain things and just trying to figure that out. It took a lot of time for us. Yeah, and we didn't feel like there was anything specific like we had to hide or there was anything really negative or those type of things about her story, but it's her story. As we thought about it and thought about all the people we had been telling this story to, it was interesting to think that there could be people out there, our friends, family, and even acquaintances who read posts on social media or blogs that may know more about our daughter's story

3:26than she knew herself about her own story. And that was a piece of advice actually that we had received, right? Yeah. At an adoption training, we were told that you shouldn't share parts of your child's story that they don't already know basically, right? That they haven't heard or that's going to be shocking to them if they heard it from someone else. Every single adoption is different. You know, every story why birth parents are choosing adoption looks different. Some of those details need to be reserved for the adoptee and shared at age appropriate times and let them

4:00own that information and own how they want to feel about that. And the whole world doesn't really need to know. It's not really their business, right? Right. We were also trying to juggle and figure out how much to share about our daughter's birth parents because those were often questions we got too. We hadn't really received any training on fielding questions about birth family almost all the time. If we were being asked about adoption, we were being asked, oh, why did her birth parents choose this? And what was their situation? What was their story? It's not always

4:35appropriate to share that. It took us a while to figure all of that out too. And we were trying to figure all of that out too. As our relationship grew and got better with her birth family, we I think became a lot more sensitive. This feels a little weird to be telling everybody. In addition to our first adoption with the other three adoptions, it's been a lot easier where, you know, there's information and experiences, both difficult and really sweet experiences that

5:05we want to save for our children to know and to own themselves rather than having somebody else tell them. Absolutely. And honestly, this was one of the hardest things for us in starting this podcast. We talked about starting this podcast for probably a couple of years. Is that right? Yeah, I think we first started talking about it in 2018. Yeah, it's been a long time that we talked about starting a podcast and talking about adoption, but we kept going back and forth on how do we do that without over sharing because we're already not great at that. And how do we do

5:37that while respecting our kids and their birth families and their stories? And hopefully we've found a good balance, but we have put so much thought into what we share here, trying to be helpful, but also trying to be respectful. But yeah, that balance of over sharing and undersharing was a really, and still can be a really hard thing to keep in balance. Yeah, I guess if I were to talk to Sean and Lynette in 2010, I would say after you adopt your child, talk together and decide

6:11what information about their adoption story. Are you okay with the world knowing and what information do you want to keep more private so that you can share that with your child at some point in the future when it's appropriate and age appropriate and they're ready to hear that information? I wish that we had had that type of conversation when our daughter was born, maybe even before she was born, when we were interacting with our daughter's birth parents.

6:42One thing that we were really into back in 2011 and 2012 and 2013 was blogging. I overshared everything about my life on my blog. It was really fun and therapeutic for me. And while we were trying to figure out what to talk about in this episode and what experiences we were having in that first year, I pulled up the blog to see what I was actually thinking instead of the idyllic version of myself where I was perfect and very poised and open-minded about adoption. I decided

7:17to see what my actual authentic 10 years ago self was thinking and I found a post where I was super upset because we had gone to buy our daughter some shoes and we got to the shoe store and a sales lady came over and the first thing out of her mouth was, wow, where did your daughter get her curly hair? You guys don't have curly hair! Neither of us really thought of any witty retorts but I was kind of reeling. I was just like, really? That's such a weird comment from a stranger at the store.

7:51And because we were oversharers and didn't really know what to say, we said, well, she was actually adopted. And the salesperson was very proud of herself after realizing that our daughter was adopted. She said, ah, so she looks like her real family and not you guys. I just remember feeling so personally attacked. I was so upset. I just wanted to leave the store and cry and not buy any shoes there. Never shop at that store again. But luckily Sean was there and I held myself together

8:27a bit more. But I was really upset. I knew that this woman was not trying to make me feel bad, that she was not trying to attack me or my family or my honor, but I absolutely felt like that was the case. In that time, I feel like we were also walking this balance all the time of feeling like we had to talk about adoption. We had to share our story because we were hoping to get approved to adopt again soon. And we were always hearing the most, the best way to be matched, the best way to

9:02ensure that maybe you can adopt is to get yourself out there, to network, to open your mouth and talk about adoption. And so I felt like I had to always bring up adoption and sometimes it did get uncomfortable and sometimes I did feel really self-conscious and sometimes bullied or harassed, even though I really was never bullied or harassed about adoption. I did feel that way sometimes though and I hated having to walk that tightrope of opening my mouth and sharing so much, but at

9:35the same time, feeling like I was going to be judged or like someone was going to be unkind to my child because of me sharing. I think that if you're a hopeful adoptive couple or individual right now, you probably can relate to some of what Lynette is sharing, right? We live in this, in this world where if we want to adopt, especially if you're considering private adoption, you need to get your name out there, right? You need to, whether that's on social media or

10:10in other means, you have to be, you have to let people know that you're hoping to adopt. And I remember to that being kind of a hard, hard line to figure out how, how many times a week do I post on Facebook that we're hoping to adopt again and which Facebook groups am I posting in all of these things in an effort to get our names out there really made a step outside of our comfort zones at points and maybe felt a little unnatural for us to do. Absolutely. And yeah, there were just

10:45a couple of tight ropes that we were walking that I think were really challenging for us both, the oversharing and undersharing dichotomy and the putting yourself out there and talking about adoption, even when it felt unnatural and strange, those were both, I think, really challenging for us. Yeah. So I guess the advice again that I would give is be an adoption advocate, talk about adoption. Don't overshare. Don't over talk about it. Don't overdo it. But be an advocate. If you're

11:17hoping to adopt, put yourself out there in normal and natural ways and do things that feel good to you and things that you're comfortable with. So in addition to talking about kind of that balance of over and undersharing, we wanted to share a few things that we started doing within our family and within our home to help normalize adoption and start to begin to build our family culture. The first thing was something that we learned in adoption classes before our daughter was born.

11:50We were told if you can start telling your child their adoption story from the very beginning, from when they come home as a baby, then it will feel more normal. As you continue telling it, it'll just become part of your family's story. Your child will always know they were adopted. It's just something they've always known, right? Because you've been telling them since day one. And so we got a couple of adoption books. My favorite one was Tell Me About Your Child. The first one was Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born. I think it's by Jamie Lee Curtis.

12:24And it's super cute. And so we started reading that to our daughter when she was under one year old. And we would tell her at night the story of when she was born. We'd talk about her birth family. Just all of these things. Part of our nighttime ritual was talking about her adoption. And we've continued to do that in various different ways as we've added children to our family. The other evening, probably a week ago or so, we were at the dinner table. And the boys, our older

12:57two boys, said, tell us our adoption stories. And we kind of went through. And they're funny boys. And they laugh at everything. And I had mentioned that our daughter had actually gotten to give hugs to two of the boys before they were ever born. Yes, she got to kiss them on their birth mom's tummies when they were still in utero. And it was just a sweet moment to pull up a couple pictures. I posted that on our Instagram

13:28a week ago or so after we had had that conversation. But just talking about it and helping them see how beautiful their adoption stories are and adding more and more details as they're older so they can understand on a deeper level what it really means and what that event really looked like. Another thing that we started doing was really encouraging and enjoying our birth family visits more. And in that first year, it became really fun and really great to get together.

14:00Our daughter's birth grandma, I mean, it's her grandma, but just to be clear, her birth grandma, her biological grandma, loves to give gifts. And she showered our daughter with gifts. And then she started showering us with gifts. And it's her love language. And we just felt like she had really embraced us as part of her family, as additional children. And it was really wonderful to just feel that love from her.

14:31Within that first year, we had our daughter's birth family over to our home on several different occasions. We went to their home on several different occasions. With Carrie, we went to an adoption... Like a conference. It was an educational conference where you could network and meet other adoptive families and birth families and birth parents, adoptees, everyone. Yeah, so we went to that together. We also did this birth mother's day celebration where there were tons and tons

15:04of adoptive couples there with their children and their children's birth moms. And it was just really, really sweet. In that first year, we just had a lot of opportunities to see one another, spend time with one another, and deepen the relationships that we started to form in the very beginning. And a side note for anyone who doesn't know, birth mother's day is the day before mother's day. It's a really important thing to celebrate in our opinions. We always try to make sure to send videos

15:36and, if possible, gifts to our kids' birth mothers on birth mother's day. And mother's day too. Birth mother's day is the day before mother's day, and it's a special day to remember birth mothers. And that's, I think, symbolic that it's the day before mother's day that their birth mothers gave them life and helped their moms become a mom, really right after they became a birth mom. So birth mother's day is coming up, so mark your calendars. From the time of this recording, it's coming up pretty quick.

16:06We've talked about the importance of adoption advocacy, and that's another thing that we started doing at that point. We were advocating on our blog in a natural way, I think, usually. But also, Sean started doing adoption education classes at local high schools and middle schools with their health classes. Health teachers would have adoptive parents come in, and just one day in their curriculum, I think that they were talking about adoption anyway, and so they would have adoptive parents come in and share their adoption experiences.

16:39It wasn't just adoptive parents, right? Sometimes they had birth parents and sometimes adoptees. That's right. Different members of the adoption triad. And so we would go into those classes and just kind of as an informational item to help these young men and young women know more about adoption and to normalize it a little bit more and to help them understand about it. And really, I think the most fun part for me was the questions that would come. We would probably do about a half an hour presentation, and then the rest of the hour was kind of Q&A with these teenagers. And they had a lot of really good questions.

17:13And it was very frequent that someone in the room was adopted or they had a sibling or family member or cousin or they were connected to somebody that was adopted and they can share as well. For me, it was really cool to see these young adults talk about adoption in really positive ways. And it makes me optimistic and it makes me look forward to the future of our adoptee children who have a lot more compassionate and understanding friends and colleagues and people who

17:46know a little bit more about adoption than perhaps I did when I was their age or my parents did when they were that age. All right, now we're going to talk about what you can expect post placement. So after signing papers and bringing baby home, what the next logistical logistical steps, yes. During the supervisory period of the adoption, this is the time from when you're placed with baby until you finalize in court. During that time, depending on what state you live in and the laws

18:21of that state, you'll have at least one home visit from a social worker to come and talk about how things are going. And we figured we would share just a little bit about our experiences there and what you might expect. We touched on this two episodes ago when we talked about bonding and how we were asked how bonding was going in that supervisory visit. And so that is one thing that you'll talk about. You'll talk about how bonding is going with baby. And of course, we do encourage

18:55if you need to get help, if you feel like bonding could be going better, don't be afraid to speak up and get help. But basically your attorney and your social worker or your case worker are there to provide information to the courts ultimately so that they can substantiate the fact that you are a great parent to this baby. It seemed super intimidating the first time. And this was true for our first home study as well, where you go a little gung ho the

19:25day before your social worker comes in the house is a little extra clean and that more than a little cleaner than it had ever been going through with the toothbrush on the baseboard. You want to, we wanted to make sure that everything looked perfect. But case workers, they understand like parenthood, parenting isn't always pretty, right? And so don't stress so much about the those little details, but they'll come and they'll talk about how parenting is going, how your connection with your child is, how if you have additional children with the connection between your children and this

20:01new baby, maybe other family members, friends, people that you interact with on a regular basis, and really just how life has been since placement. Yeah, the home visits are actually really nice, not really intimidating at all. Once you know, you wrap your head around the fact that they're not scary, which I know is easier said than done. But they really shouldn't be scary. Don't be scared. So you'll have at least one visit in that in that period between placement and your finalization.

20:33And then at some point, you will go to court and finalize your adoption, which sounds really big and really scary. Yes, I remember I was so nervous for court. I was terrified. In reality, we've been four times. And so obviously, we're not omnipotent ever. But the four times we went, the judges were all super friendly. You can tell that they are often dealing with these really heavy, hard things. And adoption finalizations, I think, are kind of the cherry on the sundae. They're the thing that

21:08they really enjoy and look forward to. Yeah, and many of the judges that we've had have have said that, where they say, Oh, I, this is such a reprieve for me. I love seeing these beautiful little children getting connected to their families forever. And they like that part of their job a lot. At least those the four that we've worked with have expressed that. So our court experiences have been really positive. It's really enjoyable. It's a really happy day when you go to court. For

21:39sure. What you might expect the proceedings for your court finalization will be closed, because it's about a minor, it will just be you. And if you invite family members or friends to be there, they can be there. But the public can't come in like most normal hearings. It's really simple. It's not long and lengthy and dragged out. But basically, your attorney will ask you several questions before the court. And they've already submitted all of the information that your case

22:11worker or your social worker has compiled with your home study, your, your supervisory visits, and any other information like background checks and, and additional documentation. So the judge has already reviewed those at this point. It's almost a formality, but your attorney may ask you some simple questions that are going to ask you to state your name and spell your name. So don't be so nervous that you can't spell your own name or your birthday or for me, it was like he would ask,

22:43is this your spouse? Yes. When were you married? Oh, goodness. I know our anniversary and I'm usually better at remembering it than Lynette is. That's true. But on this spot, I'm like, uh, okay, yeah, this is it. So nerves are our normal process for something like this, but just know that there will be some logistical questions like that. And then they get a little bit more focused on adoption, asking questions like you understand that both you and your spouse are petitioning to adopt

23:15a child and that you understand that, um, you together as parents will be responsible for everything that this child needs as if they were born to you, that you'll provide, um, you know, meaningful emotional, physical, every kind of support that that child needs. And then every kind of support that that child is going to need in the, in their life when they're living with you. And they'll, they'll ask some questions around that. My favorite question is always the

23:48last one. When they ask what your feelings are about this child and their adoption, we love them so much. And at this point we can share how that feels and how, just how grateful we are to have these sweet little babies in our family. It's true. So a quick note with our first adoption, our daughter's birth parents and both of her biological grandmas actually all came to court and were there for her finalization, which was neat. It was really fun to have them there.

24:20With our other kids, we didn't have any birth family come. We didn't have anyone else come, except we had someone come and babysit. For number three, they sat with our two older kids. Yeah. So it was very intimate with our little family. Yeah. It's always been pretty small scale and it's been nice, but you can invite more people. We know a lot of people who make it more of a party where they invite tons of people and it's a big celebration, which sounds really fun too.

24:51With our last one, we actually did it on zoom in our living room. It was so nice when the kids got restless, the big kids, we just sent them downstairs and did court in the upstairs living room while they went crazy downstairs. Yeah, that was really awesome. Thank you COVID for that one blessing. No, it was, it was, it was again, like all of them very simple, but comfortable and nice within the walls of our own home. It was really nice. So yeah, I think that

25:22that pretty much wraps up the court experience. It's a sweet, sweet moment. It is sweet. And honestly for me, after we go to court, like courts, not a huge buildup to me, but after court, it's just this weight off my shoulders. Like I'm not really expecting any issues, but it's just so nice to be finalized and official. It's just a really great freeing feeling. And so at the end of the session, uh, they'll ask you to confirm your child's name for the spelling of the birth

25:57certificate. And afterward you're able to get the official decree of adoption pretty much immediately after, after the hearing, after the proceedings. And then within probably a few weeks, the birth certificates will come back. And just so you know, like birth certificates are completely amended. So it shows the adoptive parents as mom and dad on the birth certificate. So it includes all the regular information, their, the baby's full name, their weight, you know, when, when they were

26:29born, where they were born, those types of things. And then it shows the adoptive parents as the parents. I was a little surprised by that. Like the first time thinking that there might be some connection to their birth families on the birth certificate. Yeah, that's interesting to me too. I wonder why it's like that. But, but in the court session, the, the, in the court proceedings, they say like, moving forward, you know, you were taking part in the termination of legal,

26:59a legal relationship between birth parents or sometimes in the legal, legal world are referred to as natural parents and that we are now legally bound to provide all the rights and privileges as if they were our own biological children is the language used in the court. Moving forward, the state and in, in all regards, you are mom and dad. You are the parents of this

27:29baby. Yeah, that language always gets me feeling a little cringy because as we've talked about, we feel like our kids are absolutely our own and that doesn't take away from them being their birth parents own too. And maybe someday you can advocate for some language alterations in legal proceedings. So after we finalized our daughter's adoption, we spent about six months just hanging out and having a great time. And then we decided that we were going to get approved a

27:59second time about when our daughter turned one. Yeah. And the agency that we were working with at that point, I think that was one of their stipulations of getting approved again, was that your first child had to be a year old. If you don't know this about us already, maybe I'm a little surprised, but we, we kind of, once we make our mind up about something, we just go. And so we had every single thing done that we needed to, to get approved again. And so that I think the day after

28:30she turned one, we were approved to adopt again. Yeah. We both have siblings that are really close to our ages. I have a brother who's a little over 11 months younger than me Irish twins. Yeah. For Irish twins. Although I've heard that can be an offensive term. I can see that now. And then I, and I have a sister who's just 17 months younger than me. So we both grew up having someone really close to us and we wanted the same for our daughter. So when we continue with telling our story, we'll talk more about how that second time around went and how that weight went and what ended up

29:05happening. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the open adoption project. We hope that you enjoy hearing our story and the experiences that we've had, and we hope that they're helpful. That's the reason that we are doing this is to help uplift and share in the adoption community. If you haven't subscribed yet to our podcast, just hit the subscribe button on whatever platform

29:35you're listening to. That way, whenever we post a new episode, it will just come right to the device you're listening to this on. Again, thank you so much for listening and we will be back soon.

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