Keri | A Birth Mom's Story

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. We're the Nelsons. I'm Lynette, and in this episode, my husband Sean is going to be interviewing Carrie, a birth mother. We're really excited to share this interview with you.

0:30We are so excited to be sharing our first interview episode. In this episode, we're talking to Carrie. She is a birth mother, and in fact, she is our daughter's birth mom. Carrie has been a part of our lives since about 10 years ago, and she is such an amazing person. We really figured out open adoption together, and it was a huge learning process as we've been talking about in these past few episodes. She's amazing. She is such a loving and good, genuine person. I think of her as a sister. We have a great relationship. She is 100% family to us, and obviously to our daughter. She just has the best heart.

1:08Carrie has a degree in social work. She works for a company that hosts online profiles for hopeful adopted parents. Her work involves reviewing profiles and giving feedback and advice on those profiles. Carrie and her husband Daniel enjoy hanging out with friends and family. They also enjoy watching anime and playing board games. She's a really wonderful person. We love her so much, and we hope that you enjoy learning from her and her experiences.

1:39Okay, so we are on with Carrie now. We're super happy to have you on the podcast. Thanks for joining us. Not a problem, Sean. So we just wanted you to start by sharing your story with us, telling about the adoption experience and your journey with adoption. Sound good? Oh yeah, sounds good. Alright. It's been nearly 10 years so it should be fresh in my memory, right? Right. Okay, where to start? I guess finding out I was pregnant, which was totally not planned.

2:18Wasn't married. I just had a boyfriend and nothing to, you know, noteworthy. I mean I was 19. I found out I was pregnant, and my first thought was crap. You know, because my family didn't know I was doing stuff like that. It was terrifying. I also knew my initial thought was that I was going to place her. I didn't have a thought in my head at all to keep her. I instantly knew that she was going to be placed with someone else, and I didn't know where that thought came from.

2:55But initially I knew I was placing her. My boyfriend at the time, he didn't really care what we did as long as I stayed around with him. At the time, you know, I thought things were going well with him and I, but in reality, it really wasn't. And he helped me try to find a family, and that was kind of difficult. There were a few families that we kind of looked, there was a few months that we just kept on looking and nothing just like spoke out to me or him and then we kind of took a break, because it's exhausting.

3:38Trying to find the right family, it was tiring, you know, and also very emotional. It's a whole different emotional standpoint. So we took a few months off, and then I'm like, okay, I need to look again. And then I started looking for things that were similar to the things I liked. We tried to look for similarities that our future child would have some form of resemblance of who we were.

4:12Man, I'm gonna cry, I'm sorry. And there were a few people that we found that we sent out the questionnaires. I think it was like four families that we sent those questionnaires out to, but it was strange on how some families just sent one sentence answers, like, what type of neighborhood is your neighborhood like? And they're like, oh, it's a good neighborhood. And it's like, okay, that's awesome, but why? Why? But then you sent back paragraphs the very next day. And it's like, this is what we're looking for. And instantly, I knew.

4:54It's a very strange feeling because it's like, I knew instantly. And then there was this other family who sent us paragraphs too, but it didn't feel right. And then they're like, oh, we're gonna pray and fast for you and stuff like that. And it's like, you know, I'm glad that you're willing to do that, but I'm sorry we found another family. And I felt bad telling them that, but at the same time, I didn't care.

5:25You know, and this was before we told you guys actually getting you guys to know that we wanted you guys as her parents, for those that don't know or haven't listened to the other previous podcasts. I had a social worker helping me find families and place in all that other fun stuff. In episode one in the interview with our daughter, when she talked about you, she said that her assistant helped her find a family.

6:02Yeah, I mean, in her language, that's about right. I thought that was adorable. I'm like, assistant. Okay, yeah, that works. So my assistant helps me, you know, do all that other law stuff and I told, it was funny I told my social worker I'm like, we've already chosen a family, and we want to, I want you to guess who it is. And, because we sent her the list of the people that we were thinking about. And we sent her a list. And then when I finally met up with her I'm like we've already chosen a family we want you to guess.

6:43And then she's all like, it's Sean Lynette isn't it like, how did you know. And then she's like, they just fit exactly everything you guys were looking for. And that even solidified it a little more with me too. It's like, everything fell into place. I mean I didn't recognize it at the time because everything was still so emotionally raw, I mean even I'm still kind of crying now. But yeah, when, when we told her we wanted to see you guys and actually really have a face to face. I told my social going, don't tell them that we're going to place with them just don't, we want to do it.

7:25And she's like, okay, that's fine. Then I asked to visit with them on Valentine's Day. And I clearly cannot explain how much the Lord had in my life, and including yours on how much everything just fell into place. And I didn't recognize that until way later. So, that's kind of just the adoption part.

7:56A few people who listen to the podcast, or follow us on Instagram, submit a few questions. One of them revolved around the hospital experience and it was kind of two fold. So the first, the first part of this question is related more toward birth mothers like what advice would you give to them as they're preparing to place while they're in the hospital and then the other side. What advice would you give to perspective adoptive parents who are in that time where, you know, the hospital is crazy. Yeah, we're hit it is crazy right. So yeah, go ahead and answer that however you'd like.

8:31Alright, so my experience in the hospital wasn't an ordinary experience in the hospital. I can't hold for something different. You know there. There's a lot of things I would love to change. But at the same time, not at all. This one got me really emotional on your podcast, because it brought up a lot of memories that I completely forgot, you know, for me personally, advice that I would give birth mothers is constantly talk to the adoptive parents

9:05and have that constant communication. There were times even for me. I felt they didn't have that. But I know you guys love my daughter so much that it wouldn't matter what I thought, as long as she was happy. My advice is to constantly have that open communication, even if you're hurting. Just be open. And hopefully,

9:35people understand. I remember one time, my daughter was still in the Nick unit, and I just wasn't ready to sign the paperwork yet. And I know it hurt them so much. But then I felt like I was being selfish. And that's interesting to hear that you guys felt selfish too. I thought I was the only one. Definitely not.

10:06Because I felt like well they're going to have her for the rest of their lives. But I only have this brief moment. But when I saw that I couldn't do that to you guys. So, that's when we signed that that day. And then surprised you guys instead. So, I would say, let the hospital know your situation.

10:36Also, for adoptive parents, I be willing to talk to the birth parents of your soon to be child. I, Sean Lynette, yes, had so many emotions. You know, but so did I. Even though there were times it was hard. Like Sean said, we're like family, but with every family situation, there's going to be some headbutting.

11:10Talk to the birth parents. You know, if you have a chance to get to know them before the child is born, take that time to get to know who they are. I know that played a huge factor because I knew you guys, what, three months or so before she was born? Yeah, I think from the time you actually picked us to the time she was due, I think that was nine weeks. But you had been looking at us for a couple of weeks before that. And then she ended up coming early, right?

11:40Yeah. Right. Well, she was just ready to come. But we had a few months to get to know each other. Yeah, we did. And I think we even went out to Neater's, I think, before that. Yeah. When you guys came to her ultrasound. For me, my hospital experience, personally, I wanted, I wanted you guys to experience everything that you could, that I would experience. Like that first ultrasound. I did want you guys in the birthing room if you guys wanted to be there, and I'm glad you guys had that opportunity.

12:19Us too. It may have been awkward, but I'm glad you guys had that opportunity. Because at the time I couldn't imagine not giving birth to a child. And so I wanted you guys to have any experience that you could, because I didn't know if you guys would ever, you know, have that opportunity. So, I'll re-literate, birth moms, talk to the adoptive parents as much as you can.

12:56Don't be afraid to ask them questions. Don't be afraid to tell them what you want. And adoptive parents, don't be afraid to listen. I guess it's going to be hard, you know, because you never know if the birth parents aren't going to just change their mind, but let them get to know you. If you're going to have an open adoption, they are going to become family, if you're willing to let them.

13:29Awesome. Thank you. So the other question that we received from one of the people that follow us is about choosing an adoptive family. And you talked a little bit about that when you shared your story. But some specific questions that they asked were what stood out in profiles to you or what were you looking at when you were looking at profiles? And maybe this will be more helpful. The second question is what advice would you give to hopeful adoptive parents that are creating a profile?

14:05Well, I have all sorts of experience of people building profiles. Yeah, like we said in the introduction, Carrie works and is able to review adoption profiles and give couples feedback. So what are some general pieces of advice that you would give to couples that are building their profile? I'll start with what stood out to profiles. I was looking at the time and then I'll work into it. At the time, I kind of already mentioned, you know, things that were similar to who I was, close to my age range.

14:41So that was one thing. The things that you guys liked and things that we liked. I really loved your pictures, your silly little party pictures. I'm like, oh, this is great. She'll never get bored. I think that I think you're specifically referring to a Harry Potter party that we had and people all dress up, right? Yep. That would be the one. And I loved it. You know, it wasn't per se a Harry Potter fan, but I still I still loved it.

15:15You can't really guess what people are going to like about you. You just have to be truly honest with who you are. And I feel that when the time is right, someone's going to love who you are. So how I knew you guys were right for her, that was more instinctual. It was it was really weird for me because like I instantly knew when you guys sent back those first answers to that questionnaire, I I instantly knew.

15:48So if I could summarize what you said, I would say be authentic, be yourself, show who you are through pictures, help people understand who you are. Those will convey a lot of meaning. Those two things for you, at least. That's that's your recommendation. Awesome. And for the question about advice, building a profile, like Sean said, I actually review profiles for helpful adopted parents. There's a lot of advice I could give the biggest ones, like I've already stated, be yourself.

16:20Try to add as much as you can about who you are, because the more you have more of a connection that they can have with you. You have pictures and recommendations and letters and all that other stuff. And I always state, add more if you can, because you don't know what little thing could cause that instant connection like I had with Sean Lynette. It was just the little response of an email. The littlest things could cause it.

16:55So my suggestion, building a profile, really just have fun. Put as much as you can. The more honesty you have behind it, people people can feel it. It's there. It's weird on how it happens. But the feeling is there when you're genuine. When we were over at your house a couple of days ago, you had mentioned a little bit about like endorsements that people get from others. Can you talk a little bit about that? So endorsements are recommendations. Recommendation is basically anybody that could just say who you are as a person.

17:29You guys even had like co-workers on there. And your co-workers stated on how you were as people and how you would be as future parents. And to me that spoke wonders because you can talk about how awesome you are. But it's nice to hear outside influences to say how awesome you are. Or even who you are as a person that you never even recognized in yourself. Outside influences have a huge impact too.

18:00Because like, oh, that's how I am going to see them until we actually do get that connection of family. They're kind of strangers, but not really. We're more of acquaintances. So eventually I will have that connection. But right now this is what I will see them as. At least that was my perception on things. Awesome. Those were the questions that we got from our listeners. Okay. I hope I answered them. That was awesome. And so we'll now switch to a few more questions that Lynette and I pondered.

18:30Mostly Lynette. She's the brains behind a lot of this. She wrote, just to help hopeful adoptive couples or anyone really related to adoption, understand a little bit more from your perspective. The first question we have for you is what do you wish that people understood about adoption? When I first started telling people I placed my daughter for adoption, they were glad in how selfless I was and how much courage I had.

19:03But for me, I don't feel like it was courageous. To me, it was just something that I know I needed to do. I know that's different for each birth parent. But for me, that's how I perceive things. I guess for other people to understand about adoption is try to figure out what adoption is to that person that you're trying to understand it from. Like how they perceive things. How do they come to understand that part of adoption? And also how amazing it really is.

19:37Adoption really has opened a lot of doors. I found my own testimony through adoption and I gained more family members. It's just amazing. And I guess try and figure out what that means to other people, especially if you're close to them is what I hope people will understand. I think it's so interesting that you shared that people think of it kind of like this act of heroism

20:07or this huge thing. And for you, you said, you know, this is just something I needed to do. And it's funny because on the adoptive parent side as well, sometimes people are like, wow, you guys are so charitable to do that, to adopt kids. And we have very similar sentiments to you, right? It's like, this is just part of our plan. Like this is just how we build our family. And we're not trying to be heroes by adopting from our perspective. You are the hero.

20:37I think it's interesting that we both kind of feel that way. You touched on this one a little bit, but what were some of your initial thoughts and feelings when you found out you were pregnant? Scared. Totally scared. But my parents and my family helped me through it all. And I'm so grateful for that. But my thoughts were that I was terrified.

21:09I was also hurt at myself that I hurt my family. But through it all, at the end of placing and really getting to know Sean Lennett more, brought a lot of healing feelings of happiness and joy and love

21:44that I didn't think I would have at the time. I also broke up with my daughter's birth father at the time, and that caused a lot of pain too, but in a whole different perspective. But having that relationship with Sean Lennett to help build the lost that I just felt like I was constantly losing.

22:15But by the end of the day, I was gaining a lot of love. I haven't told you guys this, but you guys really helped me out. You guys were my light. You literally kept bringing me up. Even though you guys were complete strangers to me, I had my family's support, but I also had you guys backing me up. I knew you loved me, but you also loved her.

22:48But it was important that I knew you guys loved me. I had really bad moments, and I had really good moments. So that's my feelings of when I found out I was pregnant. It was initial distraught and despair, but at the end, everything just seemed to bring me out of it. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. I know it's hard to talk about some of these things. I'm not afraid to cry.

23:18That's good. It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years. Oh, I know. It's nuts. It's crazy. All right, a couple more questions. So what questions do you think you're most frequently asked about adoption? I think I'm most frequently asked about adoption. Do I still get to see her? And I go all the time. You know, if I asked for it, they, they would have me down in a heartbeat.

23:48And then, and then I'll pull up all the pictures that you guys sent to me and I'm like, Oh, here you want to see pictures. And probably some really awkward Marco Polo conversations too. I don't show them those. Probably good. She's so funny. I don't show them all the pictures that I've talked to her on Marco Polo and sometimes zoom and, and I, you know, all the pictures, you know, I don't show them all the earlier pictures cause there were so many. But I definitely show them more recent pictures and they're like, Oh,

24:19that's so amazing that you still get to see them. Like, I know. Well, we felt super blessed to have you in our lives too. So it's very, very mutual feelings back and forth. So definitely. So definitely. So. Okay. Another question we have is what do you wish people understood about birth moms? Every birth mom is different. Even though you feel that they are courageous,

24:51they may not feel that way. Especially depends on how recent they placed. Cause I know if I heard that very early on in the placement, it would hurt. It would hurt really badly. So I would wish for people to understand that birth moms are people too. I don't know how to word it, but they don't feel courageous at the beginning. You know, they might feel that a little bit later on.

25:23I wish that people, it's like, even though, you know, that their birth parents, just talk to them like they're normal people. You are pretty normal person. I know, but some people, some people kind of like step on eggshells a little bit. If that makes sense. For sure. So I wish that they would just understand that they're people too. You know, you can still talk to them like normal. All right. So what advice would you give to a woman that's considering adoption

25:57for their child? That it's amazing. I would tell them that it will be very hard. Trying to find a family, trying to, you know, you can, what if every scenario. For choosing adoption, you have to look at the pros and the cons. You do kind of have to what if everything at that point. You have to understand that you have to be able to do that.

26:28I'm not going to go into the details of the process. But there's a lot of things that I have to know. But there's a lot of things that I haven't even said. I have to know if it's right or not. I was fortunate enough to know right off the bat. That I was going to be placing. My advice would be just keep both options. In your back pocket until you know, for sure. You have to know. What is right for your child. Not for you. I, I. It's what's best. For your child. Cause they are going to have to live.

26:59With your choices too. I don't mean to make that sound harsh. But that's really what it comes down to. Do what you feel is best for your child. So you've been a part of support groups. At least in the past. What are some of the common themes or the things that. Birth parents might struggle with or wish that others knew or understood. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. This is a hard one. Maybe hard to hear.

27:34As you guys have previously mentioned in your podcast that. Follow what you guys have promised. Is a huge. Huge issue. Sadly. I. Like I said, I'm so lucky and fortunate that you guys. Have been there. I was trying to figure out like how many times I'm going to come see you guys, how long. You know, I wanted to be there every day. If I could at the Nick unit, but then it did come to a point where I knew I needed to back off, but.

28:04I didn't know how. But then when you guys like confronted me, you know, it's like, okay, it's kind of time. I'm like, no, but okay. I'm like, I'm going to keep my distance. I'm going to keep my distance. Cause I feel like, no, I still need to keep my distance, but no, I don't need to. It's okay. I know my boundaries. But the door is always open. Oh, I know. But some people are not that lucky. I know at least two birth mothers.

28:35That have placed in hopes of an open adoption to have. Visitations to. To the baby. And I knew that they were going to be able to, you know, Talk to them every so often, but as soon as this, they signed their papers and. As soon as everything was finalized through the court system. They literally. Cut all tides and. I knew two birth mothers that had to suffer through that. Yeah. And I mean, I think what you just described,

29:05at least what I heard was you place a baby and there's a great feeling that you're going to have a baby. And then you're going to have a baby. And then you're going to have a baby. And then you're going to have a baby. If there's this spoken agreement that we're going to have an open adoption and then that changes your experiencing loss again. Yeah. The best way I could describe it as a void. There's a. A deep void. Missing.

29:36That opportunity to see her. Health bill in that void. Yes. You guys had those very strong boundaries at the very beginning. But. To be honest, I feel it was a blessing too. You got to figure out. That line. And I think that a lot of birth parents to struggled. Or struggles kind of with that line. Open adoption. And.

30:07You know, you're like, Oh, well, I get to see them all the time. But there is that line where you kind of have to. Let it let go. And, and I knew, I knew I had. Cause I wanted you guys to have that time with her. I think there was like a good couple of weeks, where I really wanted you guys. To have that time. After we got home from the hospital.

30:37There were probably three or four weeks where it was kind of like silence. And I think we knew that you needed some space. And I think we were both at that point. I think we were all on the same page. Like, Hey, if. If we, if we want to reach out, we will, if you want to reach out, please do. Yeah. I think we all needed a little bit of space. Yeah. It was, it was definitely a hard. Trying to transition to what was too much or too little.

31:10It's like a blended family. People come in and come out, you know, eventually things will smooth out. Yes. You'll still have some communication issues. But if you constantly have that open communication, it will smooth out eventually. And I know that was a struggle as well as not keeping promises. Yeah. We've heard similar things from other birth moms that that was a really hard struggle when the reality didn't match the promise.

31:40Yeah. Thinking about couples who are hoping to adopt that are waiting. What general advice would you give them? Don't lose hope. It just hasn't happened. It's not the right time yet. And even if you need to take a break. Okay. That's fine. You know, But don't lose hope, even though you feel like there's none left.

32:11I love that hope. Have hope. Even when you feel some despair. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a lot probably on both sides of the story. And met expectations and just the struggle. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any additional thoughts that you would share? Anything that we didn't ask that you feel would be helpful to people listening. Open adoption is awesome.

32:41I couldn't have thought of a closed adoption being a thing. I mean, I can't even imagine that it was still a thing five years ago. I mean, and still kind of a thing now for some cases. And I know open adoption is such a weird concept. To think about. Cause you are bringing in a whole side of a different. Family. It's hard to do.

33:11No matter how much I love my daughter. I feel like she's the most important person in my life. Like me raising her. I couldn't have asked for better people in her life. Like I said, no matter how much I love her, I. I am glad things turned out the way they did. And I don't regret it. Even a little. Awesome. Well, Carrie. Thank you so much. I know it's being really vulnerable and opening up and sharing some really personal feelings and thoughts.

33:44A lot of what you said will help a lot of people, so thank you so much. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Open Adoption Project. We loved hearing from Carrie today, and we hope that you enjoyed hearing some of her thoughts and her experiences. She's such an incredible person, and we feel so blessed to call her family. Please feel free to share our podcast with someone who you think might enjoy it.

34:15Next week, we'll be back with another episode. Thank you so much.

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