Melaina | “A Journey to Discover Who I Was”

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. We're so excited to share an Adopt-E interview with you today. We're the Nelsons. I'm Sean. And I'm Lynette. I'm going to be real here. This episode is amazing. I can't wait for you to hear it. We love our interview episodes. They are the best. We really love talking to people about their experiences, but Adopt-E interviews are my very favorite of all of my favorites. Today we're going to talk to Malena. Malena was adopted internationally as an infant. She was born in Colombia, but she grew up in the United States.

0:33Malena is a mother of three, a wife, a self-proclaimed self-love fighter, and Adopt-E from Colombia. She loves laughing, being real, hugs, people, and working out. She's also a self-proclaimed Marvel nerd, and also she calls herself a garden nerd. We're so excited for you to hear her story now. We are on the podcast now with Malena, and we're so glad that we could be with you.

1:23Thank you so much for having me. It's probably been a couple of months now since we were on your podcast, and we've been talking since that point that we'd love to have you on and share your perspective and share your story. So we're glad that we got you. Well, I appreciate it because I think all parts of adoption are just so amazing to learn from. Like, seriously, I love it. It's fun. All right, well, let's just jump in and let's have you share your adoption story.

1:53Okay. So I am an international transracial, which I just barely learned that was a word, transracial adoptee. And I am adopted from Colombia. I was adopted at two weeks old, and it was quite a process for my parents. And I'm like, well, I should say my mom, because she went down single handedly. Anyway, so I'll give you a little bit of backstory with my parents, they, they're seven years between me and the next and therefore that they have my siblings, they're biologically theirs.

2:29And my parents decided to go like on a date night and they were driving and my dad, he's like, I have this super strong feeling that we need to adopt and my mom was like, oh my gosh, me too. And that's just what they're just like, okay, let's do this. So it's crazy, which you'll kind of learn with me finding my birth family and me being adopted how fast everything went like so fast. So my parents got in contact with a lawyer that lived in their neighborhood at the time, and everything just went faster like it's through Columbia, you don't have to pay all these crazy fees like it's a lot less expensive.

3:09And my mom said that she always she makes me laugh that she always wanted a Hispanic baby. So she's like, perfect. Let's do it. And so they got ready did everything like there's so much paperwork. I mean, you guys know there's so much paperwork involved like it's actually just like right, it's a huge, thick binder, my dad kept everything and it was actually really really special he gave it to me when I was older, after I found my birth family so like really cool to have my mom went down to Columbia, all by herself, my dad stayed home with the four kids all by himself and it makes me laugh because my sister's like my hair was so ugly like, you know, it's a dad, bless him I'm like

3:50I'm gonna keep you live so I mean props to dad. So, my mom went down, which I didn't know until I actually interviewed her a while back there's a quite a lot that I discovered with my own adoption story but she went down. And she had to stay there for an entire month but I didn't realize she had to be down there so long, because of everything going on in Columbia at the time the court shut down. She had to wait for the courts to open. And then she just like everything was just crazy how magical was she was in all these safe places going all these different places, and then the courts open she was able to get me.

4:26And this is something I also learned that the reason why it took them six months for my adoption to be finalized is because my dad was unable to be there to sign the papers right then and there, which I didn't know. My thought was just, oh okay it takes six months for everybody to be adopted, but I didn't realize it was the paperwork handed in hand that came with it in the court. So, she came back home, my childhood, like, if you see my family, they're all white Caucasian whatever you want to say. So I'd never had a doubt in my mind about that I was like different.

4:57And plus my parents were very very very open about it. My parents had a picture of my birth mom and my older brother my older sister framed, and they just kept it in my room for me so I always knew my favorite was people would ask you think she'll know, I'm like, kind of like if you know red and blue are two different colors like. Yeah. So my childhood was amazing, because I know with some adoptees they have this whole identity crisis I guess you could say because they look so different and there's not people that look like

5:28them. That's exactly how it was there were a couple kids that I knew in elementary school, and they were all adopted, most of them were adopted that were like Hispanic or black there were very very few that were actually you know their parents were the same race as them. But I never felt different I never felt left out people never asked really kind of weird questions or anything growing up. And I never really wanted to find my birth family. The way, bless my mother, that she made it kind of seem is that like, I came from Columbia and Columbia was like this drug nation, and everything was so bad there and it was, I'm not I'm not saying that it was

6:04back in the 80s. That really scared me, like it really really terrified me because I'm like well I don't want to go searching out something that has drugs when I am extremely blessed with where I'm am, I have a mom, a dad, you know, a wonderful family like home life like everything I couldn't ask for anything better. And so it always made me very very scared, because then things would be said like well what if they want money from you and what if this and what if that and what if they try and take you and so of course I'm like a teenager and I'm like, no, like, I don't want any of that I'm fine I'm happy in my little bubble.

6:37And when I turned 30 is kind of when I went on a journey to discover who I was like to figure out myself and postpartum, like for me was so incredibly hard with my kids, like I'm a c section mom. It completely destroyed me completely destroyed me as a person and it was so so so hard. So I started working on like you know loving myself doing things to take care of myself all those sorts of things and so Mother's Day of 2017.

7:07I was like okay, I think I want to maybe look for her, and I told my husband and he was slammed at work so he's like well I'm here for you whatever you need but I don't know that I can be here, you know, like 100% because he was so busy with work because he travels. Okay, I'm gonna do this so ironically, and why I share that about my husband, the first place he ever went with his new job that he started like two years prior to that was Columbia. And so I'm like hey this this is kind of crazy and so he met a friend there who's from Columbia contracts like works here, we were talking to him about it and things I reached out to a girl I went to college with that she was from Columbia so I started reaching

7:45out to her and she would be like hey can you maybe help me find this my parents gave me documents court documents those kind of documents and judges and other people found them on Facebook, looking looking asking searching you know if they knew anything about maybe my birth family. Everything was a dead end, like everything was. And all most the people were like find a private investigator and I just like I really don't want to shovel out a ton of money for this like I just don't. It scared me more than anything, because looking. There's the rejection. There's the hurt, there's the will she even want to meet me will he even want to meet me if I was able to meet my birth dad, like any of that like you know because you don't know the reasons

8:23because with closed adoptions, you know kind of the. They are, I mean, I love that I seriously love I know some people aren't for it but I love that you guys have open adoptions with your kids, I just think it's I just love it and it just works so good for you guys. And so, you know, closed everything. I was like okay, I'm just going to suck it up and start going on Facebook live, and that terrified me to death. If you see me now on social media you won't even know that because I just get on and I'm like blah blah blah blah

8:53and back then I'm like okay no like this is scary so I started sharing different things different places obviously nothing personal no personal identity because she had a number on there that was like a social security here to us in the states and so just kind of basic sharing and then had his friend search on things he searched found that she was still doing like she was on their welfare is what it would be here in the states in Columbia, but nothing because obviously you can see it but there's no contact information.

9:23So, kind of crazy. I then as I'm doing these videos I have a friend who keeps messaging me and she's like I just love that you're sharing this I love that you're doing this, we went to high school together. She messages me and she's like this is so random, but I just had a friend that I went to college with used to work for an adoption agency. Just post on her wall that she wants to help somebody scot free look for their family, but you have to be okay with, you know, if it's a bad outcome, if she can't find anything, and if it takes forever you can't be upset.

9:54Okay, well I guess I got nothing to lose. Let's do it. So she put us in contact. Ironically she spoke Spanish, like it's just crazy how everything happened. She spoke Spanish. She started looking, I gave her everything I had she's like okay, so she starts getting on Facebook, she's like a freaking private eye, I just like, and I love her she's got the biggest heart to like just one of the nicest people. I'm still sharing, still talking still you know giving updates while she's doing all the back end work, I've given her info she would pop in here and there over the next couple months like hey you know you have this hey do you have any of that.

10:28And then I very vividly remember me and my husband and my cousin. We were at a movie, and the movie ended. And then all of a sudden, I get a message from her with a picture and she's like I think we found her, and she sends the picture and my heart just drops, and I'm just like, like, holy cow and I looked at my husband I'm like, I think they found her and he's like are you serious and I tell my cousin and they're like oh my gosh that's so cool so then I take the picture of her that I have. And the picture they sent me and I compare them and I'm like okay yeah it's her obviously she's just older.

11:00And then 30 years ago, I'm just like oh my gosh and she's like okay and then she's like well I did a little bit of sleuthing and I think these are her kids and like so she starts sending me siblings names. She's like, you might want to reach out and see you know she's like communication might be a little hard but Google Translate and all those kinds of things I'm like okay so I start reaching out. And if this was me, I'd be thinking, who the heck is that weirdo messaging me because I'm like, I'm Elena, I think I'm your biological sibling, like, I'd be like, no, like no, who are you.

11:32And so, they, nobody really messaged me back. And so, he made more contact and contacted one of my brothers and then he contacted me and he's like, oh my goodness like you know holy cow. And then we were talking some more and she's like they want to talk like they actually want to talk to you, I'm like, oh, so this wasn't until like the next week so I had like a whole week to kind of like just kind of take everything. And my husband's friend got my birth mom's phone number from me because I had all their numbers after some time. And he called her and talked to her. And he called me like, he's like, you want me to call him like sure whenever you're free and he called me half hour later, and he's like oh my gosh I just had the most incredible conversation

12:15with your birth mom. And I'm just like, okay. And so, it's kind of crazy because she wrote a letter to, like, I don't know if it was to the judge or to my parents just kind of you know we're giving this child up because we want her to, I want her to have a better life, I want her to grow spiritually, all those kinds of things. And so, he told me he's like, she told me that just a couple months ago, mind you, it only took three months for her to find these guys.

12:45And she's, she started praying, like for you and about you and you know she's some type of Christian I'm not sure exactly what kind of faith but so just praying like crazy. And that's like the exact same time I started so of course I'm just like in tears and he's like she's just so happy that you're so happy that you have a wonderful husband that you have two beautiful kids because I hadn't had my third by then. And so, like you know of course I'm just like falling and my sister in laws there and she's like this is so crazy and so that was cool and then this is where so honestly 100% this story solidified my belief in God.

13:22I've grown up, knowing there's a God, you know doing my best to like kind of following the steps kind of this kind of that you know, whatever I'm still working on my testimony every single day because I don't feel like it's something that's one and done. I feel like it's something that has to continually grow. It just solidified my belief in God. My youngest brother, biological brother, he speaks English and Spanish, so I'm like okay there's no coincidence there at all. He lives with his godmother. His godmother has kids that come to this they live in the States and then they fly down to Columbia, and when they would come when he was little, they would only speak English to him.

13:56That's all he could ever speak. So he learned that way. So I'm like okay there's no coincidence there. So I'm kind of talking with him more. There are seven of us. I am smack dab in the middle, three older, three younger. I don't know if he had any clue about me. So of course when I messaging them, they're like, who the heck is this psycho? You know, they had no clue. And I'm just like, guys talking to my mom and my sisters about it. I'm like, how did she keep it a secret?

14:28So the oldest, he is like 13 years I want to say older than me, maybe 12. He was living with a grandma, so he had no clue about that. And the other two, she's about two years older and then he's about four years older. And I get it to where they're so little that like even though you see your mom has a belly, you're not going to recollect that. But also the sibling below me, just underneath me, me and him are like I think 18 to 20 months apart. So for them, it was probably just a really long extended period of time that she's pregnant. Because I mean, it was so fast, you know, that made sense as they started saying those things because I'm like, how the heck did she hide it?

15:07But her kids, like her kids, she had a lot of help raising her children growing up. Obviously a lot of the reasons she gave me up for adoption, she just couldn't, you know, just kind of crazy. It's been so much fun to get to know them and to meet them and to, you know, just see how they are and to see mannerisms because that's one thing as I started to get older, it was really like, not that I don't love my family because I love my family. They're amazing, but it's hard to see like my parents have features of my brothers and my sisters and it's really hard to never see anybody around me that had my own features.

15:41That was just something that like probably the hardest thing for adoption that I struggled with because I was so much different than them like color and everything, tan, you know, dark hair, they're white and blue, blue eyed blonde haired people. So it's like, yeah, exactly. So totally, totally different. And so when I had my daughter, it was amazing because I mean, I say this every time I'm, you know, asked to speak, she legit is a little carbon copy of me. And when she came out, it was just, it was weird. Like, and it's still weird when people are like, she's your mini because I'm just not, it's just, you know, I was raised in a family where everybody's so different, which isn't a bad thing.

16:19It's just, but it's beautiful. But it's crazy as I've gotten to know them. Like when we talk facial features, hand mannerisms, because as you can tell, I talk with my hands full. They're not going to be able to see it because it's not in podcasts. But it's just so crazy to see those kinds of things. If they like make a facial expression, I'm just like, oh my gosh. And I would love to meet them one day. Obviously, it's been hard because I've been through the phase of small babies and then COVID hit and that's just put the world crazy and Columbia is just like, the best way to put it is kind of on fire right now.

16:55And they're like, it's really bad down there right now. And so my husband actually did go down a couple months ago and he's like, I would prefer you not to come until they get better, which I get. I mean, I don't want, yeah, I don't want both of us down there and our babies all home, you know. It's been good. It's been, it's been very, with finding my birth family, it's been hard because I know feelings will have been hurt finding them. But I was really nervous for my parents and there were, you know, there were things that were said that were kind of like, oh, you know, but I get it because they had feelings too on their end.

17:27But when it came down to it and it's, it's my grandma, my dad's mom actually told me this. She was like, you have every right to know where you come from. You're our family, Melina. You're my granddaughter. Like, you know, your dad, your dad, your mom's your mom. But you have every right to want to know where you come from. And so I was very grateful for my grandma. She sounds like a really wise woman. She is. She's amazing. She's 93 and just like, I swear she's never going to die. Anyway, but just like, just that was, that was a little bit of, bit of like that I needed because like I was postpartum with my second too.

18:03So it was kind of like, oh, all these heavy, crazy emotions. And I'm like, why did I decide to do this now? Like I don't. But more than anything, I just can't believe how fast like my adoption went for my parents and how fast the, by my birth family went. And I think being adopted is the greatest thing ever. For me, I know 100% for a fact. God put me right where I'm supposed to be. God put people in my life that are supposed to be in my life. And I'm getting freaking all emotional. But like, seriously, like I would never know you guys if I didn't fill a call to be like, I really want to start interviewing people because I think adoption.

18:47There's so many different things around it. There's like so much good, so much, you know, I know there's not every story is not like mine. It's not magical. It's not a happy ending. It's not where you get to be, you know, you meet a birth family and they're, I don't know my birth dad. I don't think I mentioned that. I don't know my birth dad. This is something I'm okay because my birth mom doesn't speak any English. But when us siblings have talked, we're pretty sure all of us have different dads. There's seven of us were like, we might have the same here and here and here and here, but we're pretty sure because I guess they can't really talk to her about things. It's kind of like that way. And so when I've come, like I can tell I can ask her anything and she'll answer it.

19:30And so they're like, ask her about our dad. And so the stories just didn't line up when she told me because I'm like, she's like, you guys all have the same dad. But the last time like she saw him was before she had the last one. If I'm saying that correctly. So I'm like, there's no way you can, he could be his dad. And so I told him that he's like, yeah, we do. We just kind of leave that hush hush. But so it's some DNA tests.

20:00But it's, it's very interesting. And the one thing too. So I have very, very dark eyes, like very dark and so I'm like, okay, they all have it. Like, let's see, I'm trying to think how many brothers are there? Five. Two of them have super dark eyes like me. The other three have green eyes, which is crazy to me. Like the lightest eyes and it's just like a really pretty combination because you don't see that very much with like darker, complexed people. So I always tease them because I always have wanted a blue eyed baby and my husband has like hazel eyes. And I'm like, oh, why couldn't those genes of like snuck through for my brothers and like, given me like a green eyed baby.

20:37But yeah, because my kids all have all my genes. They're just all dark. Well, and we jokingly were like, all of our kids are gonna have brown eyes and like three of the four have blue eyes. So it's like, okay, well, right. It's just crazy how it works. So, but honestly, more than anything, like I said, I love adoption. I think it's the greatest thing. I think there's so many blessings. I mean, look at your family. Like, I just think it's so freaking cool that your kids have a billion grandparents. I'm like, that's the coolest thing ever. That's like every kid's dream is like, you know, and it just sounds amazing. And I know the birth parents are involved. I just love it.

21:12I just, I just love adoption. I know not everybody feels that way. But for me, it's been the biggest blessing in my life. Like, I wouldn't have anything that I have. I wouldn't be anywhere that I'm at. Like, I just yeah, God knew what he was doing, plain and simple, whether you believe in him or not. Like, God 100% knew what he was doing. And I'm very, very grateful for him for that for putting me down the path that I've been down. That's so awesome. Oh, thank you so much for sharing that story. And I just love your excitement and enthusiasm toward adoption.

21:43And you have this positive positivity about you that's radiates. So thank you for being just great and easy to talk to. And just we love it. I have a couple of follow up questions. Yeah, so of course. So your relationship with your birth family, have you guys been like zooming or how do you guys connect? And so how have you been picking like seeing mannerisms and similarities? I'm curious about that. Yeah, so obviously iPhones aren't really prevalent around the rest of the world. It's just the states. And so it's called WhatsApp, which I had no clue what it was. My husband knows it because he deals internationally with people for work. And he's like, that's the only way I talk anymore. Yeah. And so he uses WhatsApp for everything because he's I mean, you know, and so he's like, oh, download this. And then of course, they all had it because that's how they all communicate. And so we did it that way video chat over that way. And then we have FaceTime because my littlest brother who's speaking English, he's a native speaker.

22:41And he's my littlest brother who speaks English, he got an iPad. But I mean, it was it was crazy the very first time we ever did it because he answered and he's like, you want to talk to our mom and I'm just like, yeah, and then we saw each other and we just did nothing but just cry because it's crazy. Like I get chills about it every time I talk. It's just crazy the feeling because even though my mom and dad are here, there's always going to be a biological bond, I guess you could say to her and just you could just see like you could see the love you could see the hurt you could see the you know, maybe guilt and stuff with her.

23:18Because my main mission, which I didn't mention this my main mission and seeking my birth mom out truly honestly was to tell her thank you. That's like, all because I was just so grateful for everything I had because really like even on the hardest days I know I didn't have it as hard as some other people. And that's what I you know and so when she was willing to meet me willing to talk to me willing to tell me thank you because I know she's still got some guilt racked around giving me up for adoption, I guess. I know I don't know the right thing to go I swear people get mad if you say giving up put up whatever like I just

23:50we don't ever filter adoptees in their stories with that you say what you want to say, you're good. Because I know I know it's someone doppy so be like no it's not that I just that's how I'm going to say it but it's your reality is your truth so you say how it's you, you know. But really though like you know she. I know she has that heartache and I know with my biological sister because there's only one I know there's a lot of heartache for her because she's, she's very very upset with our birth mom for giving me up because she's like you took away the only sister I could ever have and so I get that on an aspect to her because I do have sisters and I do love my sisters and I mean it's a different kind of bond.

24:28But it's not a bond that I had till I was older, if that makes sense because there was such a huge gap between me and my sisters seven years and 13 years. And so it's not like it was day one we were like, you know, your kids are my kids where they're just yeah they're so close because they're of age they're so close together. And so that's, that's been hard because, you know, things are said and then it makes me feel guilty which I'm just like, like it's you know it's not my fault and that's why I remind myself it's it's not my fault for where I'm at, and 100% I know God wanted me here.

24:59One more quick follow up question. I'm just curious if you've been able to see anything passed down to your kids to from your birth family facial expressions for sure, which is crazy because they're even sometimes I take pictures of them and I'm like, oh my gosh I can totally see my one brother right there, like that is weird, and then I'll send it to them be like, look he looks like you and then they're. I don't know if they can see it but they're like, oh yeah. But that, that is where it's crazy and the one thing is, my kids are really animated when they tell my husband a story and so the other day I was like, I did the do I talk like that and so like my, and he's like, oh yeah, you do.

25:35So it's crazy to see them when they're like talking and doing this and I'm just like, okay I guess I do that and so, but like, my birth family does that too with some things they'll talk and like they're very very expressive, the Colombian family that I've met, they have the most, they have the biggest hearts, they're the most welcoming, and I feel 100% that's how my kids are, I feel like that's how a lot I am though, and so it's crazy to see that like massive massive hearts, they all have because I know family will listen as I'm not saying that about my in laws all my in laws are great people do. I'm just saying that, you know, like, because really like my husband's side of the family there, they're amazing too but it's just, it's crazy for me to see, because, you know, and not like most people like you just don't see those genetics passed down.

26:19I mean and that same for you guys too, you, you know, you don't see that, but there's still mannerisms that your kids are going to have from you guys and those kinds of things. Yeah, it's interesting. The, the diff, like the balance between nature versus nurture. And I think maybe long ago we were probably probably so much more nurture than nature. But there are definitely things that our children do or mannerisms like you said and I'm like, that is so much like his birth father or that looks just like her birth mom right or just so much all the time.

26:51It's cool. Yeah, it's cool. All right, well we have lots of questions for you. Are you okay if we dive in and ask you lots of questions. Yes. All right, I'll start. So what was the conversation around adoption, like when you were a kid growing up. My parents were very, very, very open about it. My mom always told me that I had a mom who wanted me to have a better life and she loved me so much that she, she gave me up for adoption.

27:24And I was like, you know, just, they were very open, my siblings knew it, like, I'd never shunned away if people asked or anything like that. The one thing. Yeah, I think people when they would see me they probably assume my parents are Hispanic, but like my parents kept it open so much like just so so so much they. I had any questions and they never turned me away or anything like that which I think was wonderful and amazing on their part. So when did you really understand what being adopted meant.

27:56That's a good question. Oh, I don't really know I feel like it's just always been a part of who I am but nothing that's really made me feel like I'm so incredibly different from other people. I don't, I mean it's always been there at the forefront, it's always I'm adopted but it's never been for me this thing is like I'm adopted and there's so much else that goes into it's just, I'm adopted, but this is my family, and that's how it's been since day one, I guess like I just, it's never been something that's clicked, I guess you could say.

28:31Yeah. So, when you were in the beginning, you talked a little bit about being a trans racial adoptee, maybe thinking about being adopted internationally or just being a different race than your parents like what challenges, in addition to maybe what you shared earlier, did that bring to your life. Yeah, kind of like I shared before, like, it was hard that they had their own little thing I guess you could say, and like, not that I didn't but it was just hard to be like, you know, my sister has this from my mom, this from my mom and like, you know, I don't look like them

29:08and they're honestly wasn't that very I mean, Hispanic Brown whatever you want to call people around. I grew up very suburbia very white people like, which isn't a bad thing but I don't know, like, I know for some people it was hard but for me, I don't know everywhere I went and just how my parents raised me. I just love, like, everybody loved me everybody I came across love me and I loved them and like, I feel like that's just how it's been my whole life and my mom told me my whole life to. She's like God, God has God has a special purpose for you here and I'm just starting to discover

29:46that now that I'm what 33. I know one of the questions you guys had to is like traditions or something like culture. Yes, culture traditions. That's one thing my mom, she does say that she wishes she would have learned more about, but I just had a conversation with a friend the other day who none of her kids are adopted but she just asked me she's like, she started researching her and her husband's backgrounds, and she started incorporating like some of their Dutch customs at Christmas time and those kinds of things. She's doing it for both sides and she's like, it doesn't need for us to be adopted and Molina to do it she's like this

30:21and she goes, I'm like that's great so I saw my husband I'm like we're gonna go look at yours we're gonna look at mine we're gonna start working and he's probably like, oh great more holidays. No, it's so much fun like and it doesn't like that's the thing she's like, doesn't have to be huge she does the fun little thing with like the Dutch shoes and puts them out for kids and they're all teenagers now but she's like, she's been doing it for years and the kids love it and so I would really like to do that so none of none of really my background or anything like I knew I was Hispanic, I knew I came from Columbia, Spanish speaking. That's kind of all I really needed growing up, which, like I said my mom regrets not, she's told me to that many times not getting more of that which nowadays, people are trying to do that more culturally, a lot of the adoptive parents that I've talked to, they're immersing their children like crazy in their culture which I think is beautiful.

31:09Yeah. Yeah. So our next question is kind of related to that so what advice would you give to maybe couples or or individuals considering transracial adoption. Um, well I said do it, I'm gonna always say do it. But, um, for sure, add some of that cultural in there, because that's something that I wish I would know a little bit more about and I've gotten to learn a little bit more about that I'm older, but my sister, she adopted a little black boy and she immerses him the crap with people and it's just beautiful

31:44because I mean, again, he lives in like white suburbia, he's like the only black kid and so, but like she takes him to special places to get his haircut and those kinds like she does everything she can to make him and luckily he's got an uncle who married to the family who's black so like they, you know, she always wants him around him too and so that's, as I would say, just get them involved in their culture because culture so beautiful and important to every single person, no matter what race you are. I know international adoption gets a little trickier, as far as a lot more paperwork and things to go through because the couple people that I've interviewed that have been international.

32:23It's crazy and it's hard and it's draining and it, I mean I don't know if everybody's faith based it listens to this but I would just say pray about it like no matter what higher power or God or whatever you like, pray about it or feel something in you to be like, okay, do I want to do this, but my biggest thing would just be go even like see that's the thing is like, I want to get to Columbia one day and learn about my culture, maybe make that a mission for when your kids are older to get there or before you adopt from where you're going to adopt I know right now it's a little hard with the world,

32:53but go and maybe learn a couple things and be like you know and then come back and then just, I would just keep them immersed in that culture because it's so so important I think like I said to anybody in your race. So maybe going back to your childhood, you shared a little bit about this but what were some of your feelings about adoption, when you were a kid. I thought nothing but positive things about it. I mean, because the way my parents were the way all their parents were, I know, with my grandma, my mom was so worried with my dad's mom, because she comes from an older generation and you know things are a little bit different back then.

33:30And obviously which we're coming to see the light and this time with all the race crap, but she was really nervous about like, you know, and my, my grandma, she's from Boston, and so she's very, this is that same grandma matter of fact, she'll tell you straight how it is and she will tell you like who it hurts or whatever. But anytime people have more kids she's like, oh, I think you should be done like, like, no more like she's so funny in that way and so they were really nervous because I was number five.

34:01But it's crazy to the bond that I have with my grandmother, and my grandma has never her and like my grandpa who's been passed now for a while never treated me differently. And same with my mom's side of the family. Her dad, he was kind of a hard a and kind of you know stubborn and all those kinds of things and you know those kinds, kinds of things but my mom said that like assume, and I wish I would have had more time with him he passed away and I was like eight months old, but she's like he the bond he had with you, like she's like it just was crazy what you

34:33did to that man. And so again that brings back kind of how I said earlier, there was a purpose for me to come which I'm still discovering but it's just crazy how it all kind of goes together. Awesome, and beautiful. I'm curious did you ever struggle with being adopted particularly like teen years, adolescents, was ever an identity crisis. No, which I know a lot of adoptees kind of have it then. Yeah, but no, no, I think I was more sad thing worried about more the worldly things, the way I looked the way I thought I needed to fit in. I really honestly like that adoptee stuff honestly never crossed my

35:14mind, I was worried about who am I getting impressed what am I going to do and I'm like if I could go back and just slap 15 year old Milena and be like it's fine. I would love to do that for me. I would love to do that for different reasons. We love how you like shared how you connected with your birth family and relatively that connection happened pretty quickly. How did connecting with them compare to what your expectations were like the reality versus your expectations. Honestly when this was going on, it terrified me.

35:47Because the biggest thing was, what if she doesn't want to meet me, what if she doesn't care, what if she gave me away for reasons that she never wanted to have contact again because I know that happens. And so, but like I said my soul mission was to tell her. Just, thank you. So I mean, it was, it was scary. It was, it was really really scary, and I did a lot of freaking praying by myself because my husband travels. But he was like, like, you know, like I said he was there for me but like just a lot of prayer and a lot of thinking what's the worst that can happen.

36:23So she shoots me down but then I have to remember that I have such a freaking army here that if something happens. I know I'll have people that they'll let me grieve and mourn, but I'm going to be okay, like I'm going to be okay. You know, then like a lot like even my sister she was like it's her loss if she doesn't want to get to know you, like honestly it's her loss and you've got to remember it that way. From the moment we started talking to him like they just wanted to know everything about me because I obviously I'm living in the United States and I haven't, I didn't really know this until my husband's traveled all over the world.

36:59He's like, 100% everybody else watches the US, like we are the golden ticket. He's like, it's crazy it's how much has opened his eyes because he had never been out of the states until, you know, he got this job and so that's where some guilt came into and I think it made me a little nervous. I never want to be used. So far that hasn't happened. That's one thing growing up I've learned like I will not let people take advantage of me. It's, it's been really really good. They know I have, they know I have boundaries though because I am very honest with them. If things are brought up or things like that. It's been good.

37:35They've just asked questions here and there but we'll just see as it continues I just, I just pray that it stays the way that it is with a good connection. All right, so what advice would you give to other adoptees who are thinking about looking for their birth families or who are just beginning a relationship with their birth families. So, really make sure it's right for you, because people get scared of the unknown, and people don't want you hurt because you're their loved one and I understand that so they're going to say things to try and make you be like, oh well maybe I shouldn't because they don't want you to get hurt so I completely

38:11understand that. But do what's best for you, like when it comes to it, do what's best for you. Don't give a crap what anybody else says it's none of their freaking business. Like I said I got my advice from my 93 year old grandma she was 90 at the time. If you want to know where you come from do it if you don't, that's okay too. Like I know it is scary for some people and there's some people I've interviewed who they're unfortunately meeting their birth family, and it's not turned out at all. I don't know how crazy it is. And there's like a lot of people I know that watch me and they've talked to me and they're like, your story so magical and I'm like, you know, you see that there's also some weirdness that goes on that you guys don't see that I don't go on

38:52and share about my birth family, but like I promise you there's still hardships there, but I know from what you see of my story is there. Just do it and be guard your heart. If you do meet them, put a wall up to guard yourself and don't get taken advantage of. Like that's my biggest thing because you're still a human. You're not somebody is a golden ticket. You're not you know what I mean, no matter where they are like obviously mines internationally but in the States or anything like just guard your heart and do what's best for you.

39:23And don't let anybody else tell you what to do. That's awesome. So while you were going through that process, what are some helpful things that others did while you were searching that helped you. Yeah, like what do you wish people were doing because I know you said that there were some less supportive things people were saying. And, like, like that that came from parents, like that straight up came from parents but I get that because I'm their daughter, like, you know, my mom and dad don't want anything bad to happen to me I get that like I wholeheartedly get that.

39:57But it was hard at the same time. Because they're your parents, and you want them to support your decision, like, even if it's something that they don't think is good for you, like you want them to, because, like I said it goes back to wanting to know who you are. And luckily, like I said I had my husband, I had some really good friends, my cousin and my oldest sister. She stepped up like crazy, and was there and just, she supported me 100% like the way with everything.

40:33So if you have to latch on to one other person that may or may not be your parents. And I'm not saying my parents weren't supportive, because I mean if they listen to this like it's it's that's not it at all it's just, I get where they're coming from. It's a, we don't want our daughter her, she's our daughter which 100% I am. But at the same time it's, you know, it is hard because you want their full support but I get it at the same time. That's it. So yeah, I mean just find those people in your corner that are going to be there for you and support you. And even if it's maybe not the people that you want it to be, go with those people that are there for you because utilize them.

41:11100% utilize them. So if you have someone who's asking like how can I support this friend or loved one. While they're searching, what would you tell them. It comes honestly back to just basic being a nice human with anything that anybody's going on in their life, whether it's adoption, check in on them. Like, if you have to. That's, and that's one thing I feel like is ingrained in me as a human though because my sister even made a comment on that today she's like you're one person that checks in on everyone it's just, it's just me, it's just like, but really just check in on them.

41:45If you know something's going on with them, set a freaking reminder in your phone text, you know, text Sarah today to be like, how are things going or something like that. You don't have to go long into detail things like, you know, maybe invite them to lunch or just let them know somehow that you're there for them. Even if they don't want to talk about it. Does that make sense. Like just go out and have dinner and chat about different things in life and maybe they'll open up about it but just you want people to be there for you, whether it's just sitting next to you physically just being there for you.

42:18A lot of the conversation that we have on on the podcast is about open adoption. Tell us maybe what are some of the benefits that you now have in your life now that your adoption which was once closed is now open. I think seeing people that are like me is probably one of the biggest things and like you touched on is being able to build relationships with them, because like you said it's not overnight, it's not an hour, it's to be able to build and discover and it's been. I think one of those people that I really love having hard conversations with people like, especially in these times, because I feel like it just helps me grow and learn and see their sides of things and then they can you know, I mean, obviously it helps if you have somebody on the other end that's

43:00like the same way it's hard if it's just, but like that's been one of my, I don't know, my favorite things you just, you learn and I can ask her hard questions that they might not be able to ask her the other siblings and just know and you know she knows with me that I'm going to ask anything and whatever and but she also knows that she can ask me things, and I am the same way back. I love that. All right, is there anything else that you would like to share or talk about? It's probably so repetitive in this episode but I love it. And if you're wanting to do it, I know it can be expensive and crazy and you know there's so many resources like you guys

43:41I mean you guys are adoptive parents that you can talk to them and see things like that, because there are so many kids out there, like, and even with foster parents are bomb too, like they're amazing like the couple that I've interviewed and their stories are so beautiful with how their stories have turned into adoption to like, it's crazy. In my opinion, I don't think that children are supposed to come to you one certain way, like just biologically straight with all your genes and all that crap like it's a beautiful Yeah, is it fun.

44:11Yeah, but I think families are meant to be the way they're supposed to be, and I've been so blessed by it, and I know other people who are close to me that are adopted like I have a nephew who I just freaking love him to death he's adopted. And I can imagine my family, like him not being in my family. So that's the thing. I don't think family is blood. That's straight up I don't think that at all. And I just think it's beautiful because I mean you can even meet people later on in your life that they become like a sister or an uncle or you know what I mean that they're not blood either and they're 100% family, so adoptions the best. I think everybody should do it.

44:50Thank you so much for being on this episode with us for our listeners where can they find you on social media. I am on Instagram and Facebook, and I do have a YouTube channel that has all I've done, especially with these guys, if you want to go check out theirs. I know they promoted on their page a while ago. But yeah, Instagram just my name Melana K Rogers come for some fun. I'm real and honest and there might be I kept it very clean on this podcast but I do swear.

45:20Just a heads up there it's not crazy swearing but I do, but at the same time I know Jesus still loves me so it's true. I love it. Well we'll put links to your social media accounts in the show notes to this episode and point people there to connect with you more and learn more about your story. Awesome. Awesome. Thanks guys. Thank you so much for being on this episode. It's been really fun. Really appreciate it. Seriously, thank you. We appreciate you. Thank you so much for sharing.

45:54Thank you for listening to this episode of the open adoption project. If you want to follow Melana on Instagram. I love following her there, she posts about body positivity self love parenthood and more, she's so fun to follow her Instagram handle is Melana K Rogers. You can also see a link to her Instagram and YouTube channel in the show notes to this episode. If you like this episode if it resonated well with you would love for you to take a moment and leave us a positive review on Apple podcasts that will really help us out. If you have any thoughts or requests in the future for episodes, please reach out to us on Instagram at open adoption project or email us at open adoption project at gmail.com will be back next week with a new episode.

47:15Thank you.

Transcripts are generated automatically and may contain errors.