Crystal | "It's Our Family's Norm"

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. We're the Nelsons. I'm Lynette. And I'm Sean. Today we're going to talk about how open adoptions can look different in different families. Something we've talked about before is how every adoption story is different, which is true. We've summarized two of our kids adoption stories so far in previous episodes and you've probably seen how different these stories can play out. These relationships look different, which makes sense because no two relationships are really the same. People are all so different and unique and every adoption family culture is

0:33different too. Today we're talking to Crystal. She is an adoptive mom and she's a foster mom. She says, our family is a sports family all the way. Tennis, soccer, football, basketball, and baseball. Most nights were overbooked but we love it. Crystal and her husband both work at a university and when she has time Crystal says she enjoys reading and crocheting. She says, our kids are amazing and so are their birth parents who you might find at some of their sporting events. Crystal and her husband have fostered many children over the years and she shares her perspectives on foster care and the joy that she finds

1:05in reunifying families in crisis. We hope that you enjoy hearing about Crystal's family and what adoption and foster care look like for them. All right so we are here with Crystal. We're so excited to have you with us. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself first off? My name is Crystal. I have four kids. My husband and I have

1:36four kids ages from 8 to 19. We've been married for 23 years. We love to play. We love to... my husband loves to do yard work. I don't like to do yard work. I like to decorate. I like to ride bikes with my kids. We're a very busy family. We do a lot of... we're a big sports family. Sports and music. Well I try to push the music but sometimes it doesn't come through. But yeah our days are filled with

2:10kids activities and things like that. So we're gonna start off by having you share some of your adoption story. Like I said we have four kids. We got married. We were both graduated from college. Just kind of moving along with life and like three weeks after we got married I'm like let's just have a baby. You know we're old enough. We're graduated. Let's not wait. Let's just have a baby and and surprisingly we got pregnant right off the bat really quick and things were

2:40going pretty well until the third month and I had a miscarriage and the doctor was just like you're fine just just wait a little bit and try again. This happens. This is very normal. But it never happened again and so and I was getting kind of anxious even though you know it's not like it was years and years and years but I was getting kind of anxious. And so I went into the adoption

3:12agency and picked up papers. We started the process and you know the process I was still going to doctor appointments and all this kind of stuff and so we'd do a little bit on the papers and we put them down and do a little more. Anyway the story is is that one night I just said we're getting these papers in and we're not going to bed until they are done tonight and I'm turning them in tomorrow and this was a Thursday night so we did we stayed up all night. We got them done and I took them in Friday and it was pretty miraculous how it happened

3:46after that because once they got in and all the reference letters and things were done we got a call two weeks later. They brought us in and they said that we'd be selected. Anyway it was it was a it was really magical because you know you hear these people waiting long all these years all these years and when people ask us that I kind of feel bad sometimes but we waited four years because that's how long it took us to get our act together and that's how long

4:16God was preparing everything and putting everything into place and then and then it happened and she was actually born a week and a half later. So it was pretty darn quick in the beginning. The background to that is that you know even the birth mother was just like I went through so many profiles and I just could not find you and as soon as yours got put in and she said I took a break because I didn't want to look at anymore told them I was gonna take a break and

4:46I'll come back and look at more profiles. During that two-week period we got our stuff in and she saw us and she said that's them. We talked very openly about our kids and their adoption and and it's our norm you know people ask their friends will ask them funny questions and you know like who's your real mom you know they're the regular question and and they'll be like I live with there and but but that's our normal and that's I think probably something that people need to understand a little bit more is that when you're I mean you've

5:18grown up that way that's our normal so that was pretty neat and we we actually chose back in the day 20 years ago an open adoption was a letter in a picture once a year but we had we had started emailing more frequently rather than you know just once a year so we had a really we maintained a really nice relationship with the birth mother and we'd met the birth father one time and that was at placement and he went on his way but actually three years ago he came and

5:50found us and so we have a great relationship with him now too which is kind of cool but we never knew anything about him we knew his first name and that's it so so really quick question so with the birth mother you had more of an email relationship and then did that evolve or did it pretty much stay well it was supposed to end but then I was like you know if you want to continue we would love to continue she was she was like oh my gosh that's what I want so we've actually maintained we still have contact today in fact we see a lot more of birth father now which is kind of it was really kind of neat because when he

6:25he actually found me on Facebook he messaged me and he said you know he was very careful and he said I'm not trying to butt in I'm not trying to disrupt your life I just didn't want Ellie to feel like my absence means I don't care and I just wanted you to know if you ever need anything that I'm here and my response was oh my goodness I'm so glad you reached out we never knew your last name it's so great to hear from you where are you living and his response

6:58was kind of shock he was like oh my goodness you're so nice I was not expecting this it was kind of funny and then we kind of you know I shared it with my husband and I shared it with my our daughter and I asked her if it was okay if we invited him over at first she was like I don't know that's fine that's I don't care it's fine and he was actually living in Alaska at the time but weirdly when we were messaging he was visiting his mom in our town like

7:30like a couple blocks I didn't know his mom but it was I mean really close I'm like you're not gonna believe this but I probably drive past your mom's house like every day so that was kind of fun and she said I said why you come over and he's like wait are you serious yeah come over and we'll just it was summer it was really hot I'm like just come over like at 8 and we'll just have lemonade out on the patio and we'll chat and he said that's great he's like you know my wife would really like to meet you guys is that okay if I bring her I said sure bring everyone and he was like wait really I said sure I mean if you're

8:05comfortable with your kids bringing your kids absolutely so they came and so he knocked on the door and I opened the door and she was behind me and he came in and I gave him a hug and then he kind of peeked around me and looked at her and just tears started coming down his face it was really cute and he just enveloped her in a huge so it kind of surprised her but it's kind of interesting because

8:35you know she's my oldest and like I said open adoption has just changed and so my younger ones they come over all the time they're just friends you know whatever so hers is just a little bit different you know she's she played on the high school tennis team and he came to a few of her matches and and and he has since moved from Alaska to here but the interesting thing was is his mom came up behind him and you know and his family came in and introduced everybody and and

9:08his mom came in and said I'm grandma and you know he said hi and and and then I kind of pushed everybody out to the back I held him in in and I said you know just because it's been so long I just want you to I just want to explain a little bit of how we do adoption in our house and everyone's different but just so everyone's on the same page I said you know we love our birth parents and we are so grateful to them we don't refer to birth grandma or birth aunt you

9:40are birth father's mom and it's your family culture yeah it's our family culture well said I like that family culture so and so that's been really neat to bring it full circle and you know interestingly enough and those of you that are listening some of the things that make my daughter uncomfortable and she's 19 I mean she's an adult but um is she couldn't put it into words and I was I would kind of watch her and I and so I I actually helped her put it

10:13into words and I said you know he has not been a thought your whole life to you but he's thought about you for 19 years and you know because I mean he he loves to send gifts and he sends her beautiful things and and sometimes she's very taken back by him by why does he do so much for me and you know and I said you know this is new to him this is our normal but that's it's not his normal you know and so he's trying to figure things out too and and you know it's

10:46gotten it's gotten much more comfortable between them as time has gone by and we've gotten to know him a little bit better and and that he's gotten to know us you know so she was speaking in church and we invited him and he's like are you sure that's okay I do not want to make her uncomfortable and I said yeah she's fine with it so she he came and brought his kids and and it was great so how long has that relationship been um it's probably been about well it's probably been about a little over two years so right now she's closer to

11:19her birth father than birth mother she hasn't seen her birth mother since she was five so and that's kind of one of those things where if they're all adopted you have different relationships with them all yes that's got to be complicated yeah we'll talk about them we were kind of worried about that actually because we got we had our first three when when our first daughter was four four two and zero is when they all came and and we are our relationship was

11:54different with the with the younger ones and you know we didn't know him we didn't know that we would be best friends with them like we are now I mean they are like that we are very close I mean we vacations we've gone on vacations together and and it's never like it's never weird it's not it's not a weird thing like other people from the outside go oh my goodness was that so weird no it was just two two families and her friends gone together and so

12:24that was it that was really special she she came really fast got a start us on our job adoption journey and you know at that point it was still new to us it wasn't our norm yet right so I was still going to the doctor and still doing all this stuff and and we we had papers that we were starting again for a second one when when our daughter was two and it was interesting all of our adoptions

12:57were the most spiritual experiences I've ever been through I mean just it was like God told me to do certain things at certain moments and I listened and I did him and miracles happened right and one day we were at church and I had been talking to somebody and I happened to be giving the lesson a lady came up to me after that I had never seen before and she was somebody's mother-in-law staying with kids or something and I haven't even seen her since church was over and

13:27I was hurrying out because I was going to a family gathering and she said I just really want to tell you something and I said okay she said can you sit down and I'm like okay you know so I sat down and she said you know my friend was telling me about a dream she had the other day and I really need to tell you and she said God in heaven said I need moms who will take care of other people's children who can't and she said her friend said that she saw her raise her

14:00hand and oh my goodness when she was telling the story it just hit me at my heart so hard I just about fell over in my chair and this was someone you didn't know never never and I've never even seen her since in fact if I did see her I'd go give her a hug and say wow you changed my life and because we were just getting ready to head to LA to a special IVF doctor because I mean normal IVF wasn't gonna work it had to be a different kind of whatever I call it the

14:31celebrity doctor because anyway and we were just getting ready to do that and I came out and I and I told my husband like honey we're not supposed to go we're supposed to put our adoption papers and apply for adoption again and I told him the story and same thing happened again it just knocked him out and we're just sitting there crying going oh my goodness oh my goodness and so we got our papers again and it kind of happened not the same way but this

15:04one was two months and birth mother snagged us and and we have a great relationship with with her as well they visit we visit a couple times a year and we'll even call like if I have a medical question or something I've called her before and said is this ever happened she'll be oh yeah yeah try to have the doctor check this or that and and and she's married and has five kids and doing great herself you know they get on with their lives and and there's closure

15:39by I feel like there's closure for them because they know like my son is a really good athlete at the high school and I'll send him videos I'll tell will be the game and I'm like oh my gosh just look at this play and I'll just send her little clips and and it's fun so we had the two and we thought okay are we done or you know every little thing and then and then I woke up again one day and said it's time my husband's like whatever you say you've been right the

16:13first two times let's just do it and so we applied for adoption again and this time I really I this was this my I don't know how this might sound but this is how it happened I really knew that this this third child I really knew that she was a girl I felt like she was black and so I was I was calling up all these

16:44agencies and and you know at the time my husband and I were the adoption board chairs and so other agencies knew who we were and so we even had other agencies calling us saying hey this baby was born at this time blah blah blah and none of them were like this is your baby I always made sure I felt I knew what I felt and I couldn't I was like why are that you know there's all these babies out there and like there's somebody else's baby and and and that's that's

17:18a tribute to itself is that God has a hand in all of this you know I he gets his children to to where they need to be I truly truly believe that so one day it had been three months which is the longest we'd ever waited and the agency said every three months make an appointment and come in so we can make sure your files updated and and remember this is all pre computer stuff we didn't

17:49have a profile online this was all putting our files together with the file folders and stuff anyway so we went in and our caseworker met with us and said well what did you guys want to talk about today and I said well we're just here for our three-month update and making sure everything's good and he was like well your birth mother's in the room right next door waiting waiting for

18:21you waiting to meet you and I was like what and she said the birth mother is white and the birth father's black and I and it's a little girl and I was like and my hands just went to my face and I was like I knew it I knew it this is it anyway so it was shocking because we had no idea we just thought we were going in so we went in and met her and it was just you know in all three cases instant love you know you get you're so nervous I think with my first daughter I changed

18:53my outfits and ironed everything in my closet you know a hundred times before we went to go meet her and as soon as we walked in it's just a big hug you know anyway so yeah so then the third one came and we've just and that's the one where her mom the birth mother's mother was with her as well and they are just the most outgoing friendly talkative people you can find but it it ended up

19:23just a beautiful story you know and to this day I mean she's she is almost 15 now and we're still tied as ever and really really close and just a beautiful girl we decided to foster to adopt and he was I knew it was this so this is six

19:53years later even and he was a safe haven baby so he we were we had to foster kids at three and four year old little brothers and we had them for about nine months but and and they're doing awesome that's a whole nother branch I can take but we got a call and our caseworker knew I was after adopting a little baby

20:23boy and we got a call the day after Christmas said there's a baby born little boy come and get him no one really knows what to do with them because safe haven is not a normal not a regular occurrence right and it was pretty it was a very cool experience I got to give him his first bath I got to give him his bottles and you know I got a hat I got to have that hospital experience without excuse me having a hospital experience so so we don't know anything about him we did do

20:57his DNA and so we know a little bit about what he's made of but he's just and all of our birth mothers and our parents are so good to all of our kids like if you put them all in a room you wouldn't know which one went to which one because they're just so good to them yeah and that's big and that that has a huge impact on the kind of relationship we have with them because if one you know forget it you know our kids are this is their normal this is their family and

21:29they all need to feel important and especially with my youngest who doesn't have birth parents that we know they they you know they all get calls on their birthdays from all all of them and so it's it's really cool that's awesome yeah so was the safe haven law pretty new at that point when um it wasn't new there had not been a safe haven baby in 25 years and so he was in the NICU

21:59for a week because all they all they knew is it birth mother brought him in at 630 in the morning with the umbilical cord still attached so they had cut the cord at home with scissors or something so they were worried he was gonna bleed to death and all that stuff but and you know they checked him for everything and he was perfect he was full-term he was you know not sick but he did have a little infection because of the way that umbilical cord was it was cut but

22:29otherwise totally healthy kid you know you can drop a baby off at a fire department a police station a church or the hospital with no questions asked and that's exactly what happened she walked in and you know he was wrapped in a blanket and that's it and I even called the hospital I'm like so where's the blanket you know I want something to show him to say your birth mother really loved you he had you wrapped in this and everything and and no one knows it's

23:01like a mystery no one knows what happened to anything and I'm like oh that's too bad yeah that would be great to have it really would I you know just something yeah but at the same time you know I'm not I'm not actively seeking his birth parents because we don't know what kind of situation and it might have been it might have been an abusive situation it could make it a big mess so I'm not we're not actively seeking anything but and if he wants to when he's

23:3118 he can do what he wants and I will be in full support because I'm not gonna lie I'm pretty curious but if you're out there he's super safe and an awesome kid all right so you have so many different experiences so how would you advise somebody who's wondering which route they should take if they should look at an agency private adoption foster to adopt trying to figure out what route is right for their family what would you suggest I'm a big advocate for foster to

24:03adopt and you know we've been in the foster care system now for seven years and the reason why is you know we went in so that we could adopt a baby and we had these two little boys our youngest came six months into the nine months stint of these other little boys so we had three foster kids at the same time our three kids so we had six kids and I'm really quick and then they went home to their mom who I am we are still very good friends with we've built a great

24:35relationship and it's a beautiful thing and and we're like well do we renew our license for foster care my husband and I kind of looked at each other and we were both like that was so beautiful and such a great experience helping put a family back together and to this day I mean they're 13 and 14 now and doing doing well their mom and I we text a lot and and I actually text them everyone's doing great and so with that we just thought you know that was a really cool

25:09experience to help put a family back together let's let's do it again you know and so we've we've had about 30 kids in and out of our house I remember two in particular they were a little brother and sister and they were so cute and I really I just loved them they were adorable but we got a call that said could you take these kids the foster family that has them is is adopting them but their house flooded and you know because of rules and legal issues they

25:41can't take them to a hotel with them can you keep them for a couple days and then I'll come back and get them well the couple days happened and the caseworker called and the couple backed out it was sad but so I think they just were trying to do the right thing and keep them but it wasn't really right and when they were taken for two days just gave them a break and made him realize that it wasn't right we can't do this you know so I don't fault them at all

26:11I really do not fault them at all it's just it was just a tough situation all around and so then they said you know if you want to adopt them they're yours I mean it was like a split second make a decision and I was like are you what you know and so with with our family dynamic it just wasn't really gonna work and I and these sweet kids were just it broke my heart I bawled my eyes out when they walked out the door and the caseworker came and picked him up but I always worried about them and I always was hoping they they made it somewhere

26:41really good and I was happened to be at the foster care office like a couple months and it would have been a few months later they were there with their new family so happy so beautiful it was it did such good things to my heart to see that that I had made the right decision and they made it to the right place so that was really cool and I just really feel like that was like a tender

27:11mercy from God so that was really neat to see if I can share a particular story that's happened over the last five years my little boy was was two and or turning he was turning to and we were really ready to just I mean we were I was good we're done four kids is good but we decided to stay in foster care and just do crisis and respite which means they can call us at 11 o'clock at night and bring his kids for a couple days until they find a secure placement but we we

27:44didn't want to be in the adoption pool anymore and so they brought us this little girl she was 18 months old she was she was very traumatized and it was every time my husband would walk in from work she would dive under the kitchen table and cover her eyes and I was just like what has this child been through right I it was and the only person she would go to was my biracial daughter she

28:14just she just want she was carried her around and she was only eight or nine she just carried her around all the time and then second in line was me no one else was allowed to come near her she was very she and she had this wine with her all the time she was always whining but you know if I wrapped her up and held her tight she she did pretty well and so we had her for about three weeks she was darling anyway week before Christmas we get a call she's back in care can she

28:48come I said absolutely so we had her for Christmas and then she left around New Year's so we only had her for about a week and because they had found because I told her I said we will keep her and we will adopt her if you want to leave her and they said well you know kinship is always first and so they said well there's another family that has already adopted her cousin and half-brother so we're gonna place her there so I said okay so she went there and apparently I

29:18don't know the specifics of what happened but she did not do well there I just I don't know what happened but they called us up and said can we bring her back to you you know just for a little bit until we find a spot and I said just leave her you don't need to find another spot she's fine this is her third time here leave her and they're like okay good I'm so glad you said that so she stayed with us for another year and during that year you know we had visits

29:48just with dad and you know we really got to know the dad and he adored her we'd have meetings at the park and they would have visits and and things were going well and he was doing well and I knew where his heart was and he trusted us and we really tried to help in fact I said you've got I said the judge gave you three weeks to get an apartment what are you doing get an apartment and and so I sent him a list of things and he found one and he had nothing and so I

30:19put out on Facebook hey friends if you're getting rid of stuff in a day we had two beds a dresser a tape kitchen table I mean you name it we had it and so we loaded it we got his apartment furnished I mean hats off to all my friends wonderful people that lasted not super long it was about six or seven months and he just was struggling and you know and she still she still was with us a lot even though she was technically back with her dad and so and we tried to

30:51help because he worked a lot of swing shifts and stuff and I said you know it's fine she can sleep over so she was kind of half at our house half with him and it was fine until things kind of blew up in August DCFS was called and she got taken again and brought to us the poor kid just had I mean I can't even imagine what was going through her head but it got really tough and it got really tough on my kids so I called our case where I said I really need I really need a break you know my kids need a break I need I need another family for

31:26her to go to and if I can I would love to help select one because I know her and I love her and I want the best for her so my case worker was like you know what I know just the family and so I took her over and we met him and we super wonderful wonderful family in fact we're like great friends we got to dinner with them were so she was with them for a year then when they actually came to us

31:57and said you know we love her but she's bonded to you and you know she keeps asking when can she go home and because she was still visiting us we just didn't want her to have all these people in her life leave so she'd have visits with us now and dad and anyway and where I'm like I we understand it's so then we took so then after a year we took her back for another year for another ten months and then grandma actually has her now and it is it's a more it's a that

32:35was another miracle you know my kids were my kids were getting tired and and they loved her too but she just took all my time and energy and patience really that I had nothing left for my kids and that again was another big balance and I was just trying to do the right thing you know I was trying to be that person doing the right thing and finally realized we can't and it's just it's

33:05beautiful I'm good friends with grandma I'm good friends with the dad you know and she comes and visits us she was with grandma and visits dad so yeah and still calls me mom you know and and grandma doesn't live very far from us so it's it really was one of those God's hands you know I because I prayed a lot during during that time what am I supposed to do here so that everyone's happy so there there are some beautiful beautiful things to come out of foster care and

33:37and honestly you know you just got to open those doors and don't be afraid to open them and if you open them and it's not right it's okay so beautiful advice do you have any other advice for any of our listeners who are considering becoming foster parents based on your experiences they have this image of foster kids right messed up kids gone through so much they did not ask for this right you cannot put a label of foster child on kids especially if it's

34:12negative it is scary I understand it took I was I was much more ready because I had talked to a friend who had done foster care and she's like I'm like well how was it working with the parents and she said you know you just find yourself cheering them on you know it's not like on television and the movies where the birth parents are irate and crazy that's not how it is they love their children just like we love our children you know and they want the best for their children

34:45sometimes choices are not the greatest because of certain situations but they love their children and you know that's how that's how it was in fact those first two little boys I talked about earlier who we had for nine months we went to our final court day and we knew the case was being closed and we knew they were going home and it was a day of celebration right we were we had a big gift for them and we were gonna go to lunch after and and celebrate and the judge just kind of looked at us at her at the mother and us and she just dropped

35:21her pencil and said tell me what's going on here I have never seen this before you guys are best friends I mean look how far you've come I mean this mother was she was on the worst drugs you could get and now she's this woman who was just a different person but one thing that the mother said I walked in with the boys and she stood up and ran to me and hugged me and she said thank you for taking care of my boys and she told the judge she said I never saw any judgment

35:55on her face and that made all the difference and so I'm grateful I didn't have judgment on my face because I didn't I knew how much she loved her her boys and just you just start advocating for the parents and they will work they will they need somebody on their side and in their corner maintain that relationship because these kids do not need people taken out of their lives what did you do to nurture relationships with expectant parents between the time you were

36:25matched and baby's arrival well you know our first one we wrote letters and we take him to the agency and they'd fax him to her and then and then they would then they would send the hard copy in the mail so that was 20 years ago but you know at placement with my first one she was very sweet and she was very mature you know this was our first time we were like we don't really know what

36:56we're doing and neither did she it was her first time too but she didn't want to cry she wanted it to be a happy moment for us and she really held it together I mean I was in shock and she came into the room and the she came straight to me with our daughter and placed her in my arms and said she's always been yours I was so impressed by her because she was she was just concerned for me and I was concerned for her and I just I was astounded I'm like you are a beautiful soul but and we stayed as long as we could you know it was hard to say

37:30goodbye and at the moment my husband was holding her and the birth mother walked over to her and gave her a kiss on the head and said be good and turned around and walked out of the room and I absolutely fell apart at that moment I could not even stop my tears from I was just sobbing because I knew she was sobbing on the other side of the door you know that just about killed me and so we just we took a ton of pictures and we wrote lots of letters and you know

38:06that I would say that that relationship is nurtured but in a different way than my others we don't hang out with her we don't do a lot of things with her like like we do with the others but she's busy we've just kind of kept it normal and you know if there's a question that comes up or I'll check in every once in a while how are things going how are the kids and because she ended up getting married very soon after and she had a baby with with within the first year of her marriage you know she got busy she's you know as a mom and wife right off the

38:39bat and and like I said things were a little bit different but I would put their favorite things like like one year I put a basket together with Barbie Band-Aids and Goldfish crackers and you know all the things that that she loved and send them on her birthday I would send it to the birth mother on her birthday so those were always just fun things if there's a big game coming up or a big event they're always invited they've been to my children's baptisms

39:11and eat to others like like if it's not their birth mother they still come you know it's it's it's we have created we've created our culture in a way that really works beautifully all right so what are some of the challenges and blessings that accompany being an adoptive mom you know that is interesting and this is a good I'm glad you asked that question because as my kids are

39:41teenagers you know you get slapped in the face a couple times with what that just happened the nature versus nurture thing is kind of interesting because it comes out it comes out and and you just kind of look at them like what what is going on so you have to and I say that as an adoptive mom but you moms that have given birth I think it's the same thing as each one of our kids are

40:14different you know they just they just come different and so that is one thing that that you know with some things you know you you want to focus on the good right and you want to but you also have to accept okay this is this is a little bit different this is let's take a closer look and see what's really happening is probably the most like me of all my kids we have the same personality when people meet us or even like my high school friends will meet her

40:46or my high school my high school friends parents will meet her and they'll be like oh you're Crystal's daughter you know it's it's that's fun and cute to hear but it's probably because her birth mother's personality matches mine you know it's um so those kind of things come out and you just have to you just it's interesting you have to be accepting and realize guess what it's not all nurture just because you had them from birth there's a lot in there so so

41:18yeah I just I would just say just recognize and validate that you know you can't just take something away that they're born with so there is a lot a lot that they're born with there's that nightmare that that reoccurring thought or nightmare if I wonder when my kids gonna say you're not my real mom you know my kid my first three they've never said that to me and they don't believe it they they've known it's interesting because I always thought you know maybe

41:52meeting their birth parents would trigger that and they would be more but I think by having a relationship with their birth parents that's closed that off and they're just more confident kids interestingly enough a few months ago my eight-year-old said it to me for the first time and he we had we know nothing about his birth parents and so I realized right then that you know what

42:22there's a part of him that that unconsciously even that he worries about and he notices you know my youngest sees that that's not his normal right he doesn't we don't know and so so I do tell him the story I tell him that your birth mother loved you so much that she wanted to keep you safe and she took you to the hospital and handed you to the nurse and said call his mom and dad and

42:55they called us you know so that's that's his story and that's his story that he knows but I realized at that moment when he said when he got mad at me for something he's like you're not even my real mom I was stunned first because I'd never heard that but then after I realized you know he's noticing things I I've had to validate that feeling in him yeah how might adoptees feelings about

43:25their stories change over time particularly as they move toward adulthood and how can adoptive parents support and help them in this process that's a really good question you know and it's interesting because in my family it's a boy-girl thing my oldest daughter I had come from she was five and I had come home from an adoption conference that I had actually presented at and I brought

43:56her home this necklace that said adoption is about love or something and and I gave it to her and and we were in church the next day and she had it on and all of a sudden she grabbed it ripped it off her neck and threw it at me she said I don't want to be adopted anymore she was saying quit calling me adopted you know I want to be a normal kid and now she's 19 and she spreads the word like you know and that started happening in at 15 you know when when

44:31topics in school would even come up and she'd raise her hand and she'd be like I'm adopted I feel normal I'm everything's good here you know and so she kind of has come full circle but I you know I wasn't listening when she was little and I didn't realize I wasn't listening and until that day and so I quit I kept my mouth shut you know because it was it is such a powerful moment in my life and I learned so much that I just love to share and share it

45:05from the rooftops right and she was not appreciating it she just wanted to be normal kid yeah what do you wish that other people understood about adoption it's not giving up right I mean we hear that all the time giving up your baby or give it and it just when I hear that I just cringe because these birth mothers are and fathers are beautiful beautiful people you know the other thing I hear a lot is my husband just he just can't love some baby that's not his I'm like

45:35well then they're missing out because they're missing your kid because there is no difference between whether they came from you or not you know and that it's our normal yeah it's not something it's not something that people need to say oh is that weird no like someone said you know I introduced my daughter's birth father to people they're like oh my gosh is that weird no it's just our

46:06normal so our experiences are who we are I liked your question about what would you tell yourself at the beginning of your adoption journey because you just learned so much constantly right and there's still things I'm learning there is so much good and love to be in the world and the more people that love a child the better off they will be I love that it's a great note to end on thank you so much Crystal

46:44thank you for listening to this episode of the open adoption project we're grateful to Crystal for sharing her story and we're so glad that we could learn more about her family's experience we'll be back with another episode next week where we'll be picking back up with sharing a bit of our own family's adoption story as always please feel free to reach out with any questions or requests for future episodes we're recording some more interviews with all members of the adoption triad and would love to include your questions we hope you're enjoying the podcast if you are we would love if you could jump on to

47:15Apple podcasts and give us a quick review thank you so much for listening

47:45you

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