Intentional Cultural Connections with Robert Reese

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project. This is episode 83. We're the Nelsons and I'm Lanette. And I'm Shaun. In today's episode we have an interview with Robert Reese. Robert is an adoptee who was born in South Korea and was adopted and grew up in the United States. He was adopted when I think he was four months old. Yeah. And so he spent the majority of his childhood here in the United States. And he shares some of the ups and downs of that and what searching for his biological family has looked like. And I don't want to spoil anything, but it's really just so emotional for me every

0:35time I hear these adoptees, especially international adoptees, talk about the emotions of finding their biological families. So beautiful and touching and yeah, it was wonderful to hear from him. So we'll jump to our conversation with Robert Reese. Okay. Well, we are now on the podcast with Rob Reese. Rob, thanks so much for being with us today.

1:05Yeah. Thank you for having me. It's great to be here. We're really glad that you're here with us. Go ahead and take a moment and introduce yourself so our listeners get to know you a little bit. Yeah. So I'm Rob. I grew up in Denver, Colorado. I was not born here. I was born in South Korea and I was adopted by a family here in Denver when I was four months old. And yeah, I

1:37lived just outside of Denver working in management and yeah, just finished up getting my BA in business and management and starting my next chapter in life. So that's what I'm doing. Awesome. Just as a side note for our listeners, Rob and I grew up not too far apart from one another. So it's kind of fun to have some of those connections. Well, Rob, take some time

2:08and help us understand your experiences and adopt to share, share your story, whatever you'd like. Yeah. So like I said, I was born in South Korea. I was adopted by a family here in Denver when I was four months old. My birth parents, they were very young. They were pretty young and they were not married and they decided to go with adoption. My birth mom decided to go the adoption route and

2:47decided to go the adoption route and she had to deal with social norms in South Korea. If you're a single parent, you're a single mom, it's not socially acceptable. And on top of being a single parent, that's nowhere near easy to say the least. So she had to deal with that as well. So she felt like adoption would have been the best route for me.

3:23And so I spent the first few months of my life in foster care. I was in the foster system and my parents, my parents here, they couldn't have their own biological kids. So they decided to adopt and they were matched with me and they were very, very, very excited to finally be parents. And

3:58yeah, it's been good to kind of find my own birth family. I started my journey officially when I was about 16 and I didn't find my birth mom until I was 17 and that's when her and I started all those

4:28conversations. And yeah, it's interesting to get to know her. It turns out she is married to another gentleman, not my birth father, but they have two sons. So I have two younger brothers that I had no idea were around until a few years ago. Yeah, they seem so nice and they seem so eager and willing to

5:09get to know me as much as I have wanted to get to know them. And my parents and I were going next summer, summer of 2024 to South Korea to not only tour the country, but to also meet my birth family for the first time. And we're so excited for that. We are so excited to meet them and get so many of

5:44those questions answered and to see how they live life and for them to kind of see how I've lived life. And yeah, it's been a great journey. It's been an emotional journey, but it's definitely a journey that I am glad that I started later in life because I can now better enjoy and understand

6:19it. So yeah, so that's how I came to be. Well, I have a couple follow-up questions about your story before we jump into lots of other questions. But so you said you started searching when you were 16 years old. What did that process look like? And then how did you actually connect? How did how do you actually meet one another or get reunited? Yeah, so I had to, so I was adopted through an agency and I had to submit this application saying that I was interested in

6:59finding my birth family and that I wanted to know where they were and I was interested. And you know, I had to give, you know, like my case number, you know, me expressing that I was interested. And because I was under the age of 18, I had to have my parents show their support that they're okay with me finding my family, which they have always been. They, my parents,

7:34one of the many things I love about them is that they were always so supportive if I wanted to find them. If I didn't want to find them, they were supportive of that as well. They were supportive of any decision in my adoption. So they had to show their support. And so I sent that application to my agency. And then my agency found my case number and all the documents that they had on

8:11file. And they gave me all that information. And they were then in contact with the South Korean government to find, you know, contact information with my biological mom and to find out, you know, where she is, what she's doing, how she's doing, all that. And it turns out a few years before

8:43I submitted my application, she had gone to the South Korean government to try and find me. And that made it more satisfying knowing that she also wanted to find me as much as I wanted to find her. You know, she always wanted to know where I was and how I was doing. So it was,

9:16her now knowing that she went to the South Korean government years before I started my journey to see where I was, that made it not easier, but more comforting in a way, you know. So I'm glad I worked out that way. And so did you get her contact information or did she get yours? Was there a phone call? Like how did that? I'm just trying to imagine what that

9:48connection look like. Yeah. So at first, our first contacts were through letters. And so she would send letters to the government, South Korean government, and then the South Korean government would then like translate it because it was all in Korean. And, you know, I am not fluent in Korean, so, and she's not totally fluent in English. So the government had to translate

10:22the letters and then send the letters to the, my adoption agency to then send it to me. And that was kind of our way of communicating for the first few years. We also had email addresses, you know, we had our email addresses on file and so we would send emails to each other every few weeks and we would get those emails translated. And, you know, that was definitely

10:58a quicker way of communication. Yeah. And so that was our form of communication for the first few years. And then I would say I was around 20, 21. I decided that I wanted to have complete, direct, full communication with her and, you know, and she was on board with that as well. And

11:29ever since then, we've been communicating through social media and we've been communicating through, you know, through Zoom and doing calls and, you know, as often as we can. And, yeah, it's amazing to see how far we both have come, you know, from letters every few months to, you know, every other day through social media. That's really cool. And I only imagine that you're maybe learning some Korean

12:04and that she speaks some English or that that's kind of starting to come together a little bit easier. Yeah, yeah. We have both been teaching each other the languages. You know, she's been helping me with Korean and I've been helping her with English. So it's been good to, you know, be each other's, you know, language teachers, you know, and we've truly bonded over that. And

12:36yeah, it's been a work in progress, but, you know, it's been amazing. It's been so good. It's been so good. Yeah. I love how you were both searching that probably a lot of things, miracles fell into place so that you connected and now that you now you're developing this really great relationship. I'm also really excited that you're going there next summer. We're connected on social media now, so I'm expecting to see some pictures in a year. But, yeah, wonderful. Well,

13:11we, I mean, we have a lot of people that listen to the podcast from all over the adoption constellation, right? Other adoptees, we have biological parents, adoptive parents, and then just friends and family of people that are in that world. And so we have a lot of questions that we'd love to ask you that will potentially help this community understand a little bit more. Is it all right with you if we just jump into some of those? Yeah, yeah, no, I'm an open book, so whatever you want to know. Okay. So I mean, you shared part of this in your story, but how

13:47would you feel like how do you feel like your adoption experience has shaped your life and who you are today? You know, it's being an adoptee is something that I've always known, you know, like I have no idea what it's like to not be adopted. That's such a foreign thing for me. And so I've always, you know, had an interest in adoption. I've always

14:26have seen the world as being this big thing to see, you know, and to see as much of it as possible. You know, I want to get more rooted in my culture. And the thing about being adopted is that, you know, I can say that I have two families. You know, I have the biological family who where my birth mom, you know, gave birth to me and brought me into the world. And I have my

15:02adopted family who raised me and cared for me and loved me just as much. And so I've always viewed, you know, my family as being two families. And, you know, for me, I've always enjoyed hearing other adopt adoption stories and knowing that I'm a part of that as well. And I

15:32have my own story and, you know, my two families are unique in their own way. And, you know, that's something that I have always felt in my life. And it'll probably be something I'll always feel in my life. So, yeah. Yeah. So you said something really interesting in the beginning of that answer that you know, being in it or being an adopt adoptee is all that you know, right? And you have no idea

16:04what it's like to be a biological child of your parents, right? But I mean, now that you're connected to your birth family, maybe that is starting to feel a little bit different. But thinking about just your experience as an adoptee, if you are trying to help somebody outside of the adoption community or somebody who just didn't know, you know, what would you want them to know or understand about the adoptee experience?

16:35That there is so much beauty in adoption. There's so much good in it. You know, adoption is such a beautiful thing. But there's also, you know, hardship. There's also some low moments, you know, and there's is not always rainbows and good, you know, I know I've struggled with, you know,

17:08you know, with my own identity at times. And, you know, I, you know, would want someone who is not in the adoption community to know that, yeah, adoption is, of course, a very amazing thing. It's very beautiful. But it's also, it can also be hard at times. It's not always easy, you know,

17:43from the adoptee's perspective and maybe for the parents perspective as well. You know, I'm sure that's not, there's of course amazing highs and some lows, I'm sure, you know, so, you know, that's something I would always mention to someone who might not be in the adoption community is that, you know, there's highs and there's lows. What do you wish your adoptive parents and or the adoption community had known in retrospect?

18:15You know, I definitely wish my, at least my adoptive parents, you know, you know, they've been so supportive in every aspect, you know, of my life and my adoption. But, you know, I wish that they knew that, you know, wanted to go at my own pace. You know, there was times before I officially, you know, started my journey where I decided not to do it. You know, I, you know, I would be

18:51interested in finding my birth family and then a little while later I would, you know, change my mind and say, you know, I don't think I'm ready yet. But yeah, I definitely wish that it was more at my own pace early on. But yeah, you know, I don't think they meant it in any bad way at all. So yeah, I, I, I feel like we've heard similar things from other adoptees that we've talked to,

19:24but the emotions around adoptions kind of ebb and flow, they change and it's fluctuating over time. And what you feel good about in one moment may change a few minutes later. And so as the adoptive parent or other supportive people in the adoptive community, we need to be more understanding and flexible as well, because it's not, it's not maybe as black and white as those of us who are not adoptees may imagine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So another question we like to ask adoptees, because

19:58you've lived the experience. And I love the kind of different variety of answers we get though, is around adoption education. And maybe again, toward those who are considering adoption, her who are, you know, jumping into this right now, what do you wish adoption education look like, or that those, those individuals would learn as part of that process? Yeah. Yeah. I, I know what helped me out was every summer, my parents would take me to a

20:33camp called Korean Heritage Camp, and I was up in Granby and at the YMCA ranch up in Granby. And you know, I went there for 12 years growing up, and it was a big, big part of my life. And you know, the last year I was I was there from 2005 through 2016. And I actually went back, you know, back this summer to be a counselor there to help give back. And yeah, it's, it's

21:11something that I've always loved growing up, especially in terms of education and learning. You know, I think it's so important for the adoptees to remember and learn where they're from, and to know that it's okay to, you know, be interested in where you're from, you know, culturally, you know, your own, your own, your own, your own, your own, your own, your own,

21:43you know, be interested in where you're from, you know, culturally, you know, your own families, you know, like, it's okay to, if you're interested in finding and learning about your culture, like that's, that's an amazing thing. And you're allowed to be curious and interested. So, you know, I, yeah, yeah. And I, so yeah, I always encourage going to like those kinds of camps.

22:13And, or going to like conferences and learning about, you know, what it's like to be, you know, adopted, you know, from anywhere in the world and adoption in general. And so yeah, I always encourage that, you know, for, for new parents, for new adoptees, that, you know, if you're interested in finding out where you're from, culturally, you know, that there's, there are

22:44resources out there that will really help because, you know, they're, they're, that camp for me was a big resource for me growing up. Yeah. And yeah, it really helped me out. That's awesome. Yeah. I mean, we have a family cabin not far away from there. And I never would have imagined that would be a place where that's happening. Beautiful location and really cool that you were involved in, into that for so many years and that you've now gone back to, like you said, kind of give back.

23:14I imagine that, you know, you're, you're now reconnected with your biological family. And I imagine all of that experience has prepared you to understand more about how to better connect and understand the culture a little bit more. Yeah. Yeah. It's, you know, now knowing that I am in communication with someone where I'm from, it makes it a lot easier and it makes it more

23:45interesting now knowing that I'm not just from South Korea, but I have family and, and, and in contact with them. You know, it's now I have an extra piece of motivation to get to know where I'm from and learning, you know, the history of South Korea, the rich history of how that country came to be. And, and, you know, the daily life of, of those

24:20who live there and, you know, it's, and all the food and all the learning and learning the language, you know, it's such an interesting thing, you know, and, you know, I've, I definitely, now I'm older, you know, I, I am definitely more interested in it. You know, when I was a kid, I was like, yeah, I'm from South Korea, but you know, I definitely did not, I was not as interested in

24:51getting to know the culture. I was just living life as a kid, but now that I'm older, you know, like, you know, it's, I should definitely find out more where I'm from. Cool. Well, you told us a little bit about your reunification story, how that all happened, which was really awesome. And I'm curious, you also mentioned a little while ago that you felt like sometimes you struggled with your identity. How do you feel like maybe that reunification has helped some of those struggles?

25:28Yeah, you know, I, it's definitely helped so much. You know, I, you know, I struggled with my own identity and my background. I struggled with grief and anger. And, you know, I was angry at the world for being adopted. And, you know, I was definitely not a good head space because I was

26:02adopted for a period of time. But now that, you know, I am, you know, in contact with my birth mom and now knowing the reason why she put me up for adoption, you know, I can now better understand why she did. And, you know, she had mentioned that she never stopped loving me and she never,

26:34you know, not a day went by where she didn't think about me and was wondering how I was doing. And knowing that she never stopped loving me and, and always wanted to know that I was doing well, like that really put a lot of that tension at ease. You know, for a long time in my life, I thought that, you know, it was the exact opposite why she put me up for adoption, that she didn't,

27:12that love wasn't there, you know. So that was my mindset for a long time. And now knowing that she has always had this love and that she put me up for adoption with only the best intentions, that definitely, you know, I definitely put a lot of that anger behind me and, and now I

27:45want to get to know her a lot more. And, and yeah, you know, I, I'm not as, I'm not angry at the world. I'm not angry at her. And, you know, I, you know, I'm not a parent, so I cannot imagine, you know, the struggle of that decision. But, you know, now knowing that she's not going to get it all, because she did it all, she made that decision, you know, our love. It really helps.

28:20It definitely helped my identity and knowing that that's what she wanted because it was best, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Some I don't know why this kind of analogy is coming to my mind. But I mean, if you ever if you've ever put together a puzzle without looking at the without looking at the picture. And especially if it's a very large puzzle, it can be really frustrating not knowing what the greater picture looks like,

28:52even what small aspects of the picture might be. But when those puzzle pieces come together and it starts to form a little bit more clarity, you get a bigger understanding of the whole picture. And that's kind of the imagery that was coming to my mind as you shared that, like little pieces of your story come together. You thought that it was one thing, but now it looks differently. And the bigger picture is starting to be more whole.

29:22Not that it's a beautiful picture, right? But it's more whole and more easy to digest and understand. Yeah, yeah. For a long time, I was looking at each individual piece for a long time in my life. And now being older, now being an adult, I have learned to take a few steps back and look at that picture, that puzzle as a whole.

29:56And now I can appreciate that view. I can now see it better and understand it better. And yeah, it's when you're, at least for me, I can't say for anybody else, but at least for me, I, it was so hard for me to look at the whole picture growing up. It was so easy for me to look at each individual thing

30:28and each individual aspect and question that specific aspect so much, instead of looking at the whole grand scheme of things. It was so easy for me to just look at each individual narrative, if you will. I think that's human nature. As we mature, as we get a little bit older, I think we have a little bit more ability to do that.

31:02So yeah, don't be hard on yourself about that because I think that's an every person thing, right? What would you say are some of the unique challenges or even opportunities that you faced because you're an adoptee? I know one of the challenges that I did face was, in school when they had those projects where you had to do your ancestry,

31:34like your family tree. Everyone in my class knew where they were from and their ancestors and their family tree. I did not have that. And I could have done my adoptive parents and my grandparents and aunts and uncles and all that. But at the same time, I was like, yes, they are my family, but they're not my biological blood family.

32:07And so that was one of the challenges I remember facing. And another challenge that I have faced was with language. I've been asked many times if I'm fluent in Korean, and I'm not. And of course, I always wish that I was fluent in Korean,

32:37but I'm like, no, I'm not fluent. I know very, very little Korean. And I always kind of joke that there's times where I can barely speak English, nonetheless, learning and speaking a second language. So that was one struggle that I remember having to explain a few times in my life.

33:13Yeah, those were really the main physical struggles, I would say, that I had in life. Other than that, I was a normal kid, regular kid, and I was definitely fortunate enough to have family and friends who didn't see me any different

33:45because I was adopted. They all knew that I was adopted, but all my friends growing up, they never saw me any different. They never really asked about it. They knew about it, but they never were like, hey, are you okay being adopted? They never, because they didn't wanna get pushy or anything.

34:15So I was definitely fortunate enough to have friends and family who were like, yeah, we know you're adopted, but that's okay. Yeah, that's okay. Are both of your parents Caucasian? Yes, yes they are. So transracial adoptee, right? So it's apparent when you're with your family that you were adopted. Did that ever, was that ever a negative or did that ever bug you?

34:45Not really. I knew that I was not biologically related to them. I knew that I look different. And yeah, and my parents were so supportive and like, hey, like, yeah, you're definitely South Korean. And I knew my whole life,

35:17as far back as I can remember, I knew I was, I looked very different, but and not just with my parents, but with extended family. Yeah. There is one family member that I have who is Korean, one of my aunts on my mom's side of the family. She is from South Korea and grew up in South Korea. And that's actually the main reason

35:48why they adopted from South Korea was to say that, when I got older and I looked around my family, I can say that I have someone in my family who looks like me and is from the same country of origin. And yeah. That's cool that your parents are from South Korea. Your parents thought of that. Yeah. That you would have some type of racial or cultural mirror available to you and your family.

36:20Yeah. I appreciate it from them. I always have. That's awesome. Are there any like special resources or networks or communities that have been helpful for you as an adoptee? Yeah. You know, the big one was that camp, you know, that one, and I know there's, you know, so many all over the country. And, you know, and that camp was my main

36:53slash go-to resource for me growing up. You know, the people that I've met there over, you know, the 12 years that I was a camper there, you know, I still talk to so many of them and they're all, you know, adopted as well. And, you know, they, you know, I still consider them, you know,

37:24friends and family of my own. And, you know, those 12 years there, I really, you know, enjoyed, you know, connecting with people and learning about, you know, the Korean culture and, you know, knowing that there's, you know, other people out there who are in my same scenario. And even though we all have different stories,

37:56we all know what it feels like to be adopted. And so that was my main and go-to resource and connection was that camp every year. And yeah. Just out of curiosity, how long, like, was it like a week long camp or was it more than that? It was a weekend. So they, it was always, for me,

38:26it was always the weekend of Fawfus Day weekend. This camp does other cultures. Like they did, like they did, they have a camp like Chinese adoptees. They had a camp, I think for like domestic adoptees. I know for like a long time, they had a camp for like, if you were from Cambodia, but all of these camps are like a weekend,

38:58a Thursday through Sunday. Nice. Yeah. And I love that. And over time, I mean, I imagine you made connections there, but then were you connected to some of those people outside, like emailing or social media type of things with those people that were now part of your circle? Yeah. Yeah. I, the guys that I was with in my group during those 12 years,

39:29those guys and I really had a good connection over those years. And we really became really good friends. And I still talk to them through social media. And I've been planning to go see one of them sometime soon. And yeah, so we keep in contact through social media and yeah, it's good to see that we're still connected

40:01after all these years, cause life gets busy. They're all busy. I've been busy. So it's been good to see that even through all of life that we still want to keep connected and to see how we're all doing in life and seeing each other's successes and accomplishments. We still want to be there to support each other,

40:31even though we haven't seen each other in a while. I really like that. And I hope that there are resources like that available in lots of places around the country. And it sounds like from your knowledge that there are, but yeah, I would, I mean, I would echo your encouragement to adoptive parents, especially if they're adopting internationally to make sure that they provide opportunities or an option like that. That's really, really cool.

41:01Is there anything else regarding your adoption or your experiences in adoptive that you'd like to share? Yeah, I would definitely want to have other adoptees know and other adoptive parents know that, yeah, I have had a really good upbringing, lots of love, lots of laughs. And that, yeah, I've struggled with it and with my adoption.

41:33And it's okay to struggle with it. I would hope I would, or at least if there's an adoptee or adoptive parents out there who are struggling with adoption, you're not alone and there are resources and people out there who would love to help you out.

42:06And even it was just listening, and I've kind of been willing to give that offer out. If any adoptee or parent or parents who are thinking of adopting or who are going through the process, I'll always listen. I'll always offer my point of view

42:37and answer any question that I can give to help. And it's good to have those perspectives. Yeah, so if someone's listening to this podcast and they wanna reach out to you, what's the best way for them to connect with you? You can find me on social media. You can find me Facebook, Instagram. So Robert Rees is the best way you can find me.

43:11I'm really active on social media, so you can find me at Robert Rees. Okay, so we'll put links to your social media in our show notes for today's episode so that if people wanna connect, they can. Well, Rob, thank you so much for being with us today. I think we've learned a lot from your experience and we're just grateful that you're willing to share. Yeah, yeah, and I appreciate you having me here. It's truly an honor and I'm grateful that you've had me on.

43:48I'm truly grateful to be here. Awesome, thanks so much. Thank you. Thank you so much to Robert for sharing your experiences and your feelings and story with us. We are so appreciative of you and the wonderful people who share with us here on the podcast. It's such a great way to learn and grow together. Yeah, I thought that there were a couple of great things that stood out to me from my conversation with him.

44:20One was that his parents did a really good job at trying to immerse him or at least connect him to his culture so that he felt that as part of his identity. You have the camp, that was so cool. Yeah, yeah, and sorry, and also on the same lines, the fact that he has an aunt that is also from South Korea and that his parents thought through that before choosing which country to adopt from so that he would have both racial and cultural mirrors

44:52in their family, I thought that was really cool. Yeah, yeah, we've talked before about the importance of having mirrors like that. That was really neat. I also loved how his adoptive parents were so supportive and open to his searching and that he was able to start that search even before he turned 18. Most of the international adoptees we talked to who are about the same age haven't found their biological families yet. And I loved that things worked out for him. It made me so happy for him. And also I loved that he was able to start that early enough that they've met and are going to meet in person soon.

45:26I thought that was beautiful and it was just tender. His feelings on that were clearly very, very tender and sweet. Yeah. Yeah, the importance of having that connection just really reiterated through his experience for me. Thank you again, Robert. We're so grateful for your willingness to share with us and thanks to each of you for being a listener to the podcast. Thank you.

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