Jori | My Experience as an Adoptee and Birth Mom

0:00Welcome to the Open Adoption Project, We Are The Nelsons. I'm Sean and in this episode my wife Lynette does an interview with Jory. Jory is from Delaware and grew up on the East Coast. She is now an adult and is an adoptee. She was adopted when she was six months old out of foster care. While she was in college she experienced an unplanned pregnancy and made the decision to place her oldest daughter for adoption. She's now married and has four children, twin girls

0:35and two boys. She has a part-time retail job that she works in the evening and loves to play basketball a few mornings a week. Otherwise she spends most of her time with her family. When we asked her what some of her favorite things are she shared that she loves Dr. Pepper, she loves going to therapy and she loves watching movies. This is such a great episode. Jory has so much to share with us as an adoptee and a birth mother. We

1:05really hope you enjoy this episode. Alright so we're here on the podcast with Jory. Thank you so much for joining us today. You're so welcome. Thank you for having me. Thank you. So we're gonna start off by having you tell us your adoption story. Alright so this I'm going to probably give the Cliff Notes version because it can get really long. So I am

1:39an adult adoptee but I was adopted when I was six months old but before that I was actually born at 26 weeks gestation and because my birth mother was really sick when she was pregnant with me she went into labor early and I was one pound three ounces. So I was really really little and taken right away into the NICU and I have one picture, one newborn picture of me where the nurse is

2:14holding me in her hands and I am just so little. I feel like I look so sickly looking and just I'm so little in this woman's hand. So that's a pretty special picture that I have. So I was in the NICU for a few months. Miraculously I wasn't on the ventilator for very long and then I was placed into a group foster home for a little while and then I was adopted by my family at six months

2:44old and I am the youngest of four children. My parents had my older brother, sister, brother back to back to back and then my mom got her tubes tied and then ten years later they decided that they wanted another baby and they realized how expensive it might be to get them reversed so they chose adoption and because my mom is half white and my dad is half black I actually fit into my

3:17family very very well. No one growing up unless we told them and they knew me that I was adopted. The only difference is I am a foot shorter than the rest of my family. Everyone else is like six foot tall. It's ridiculous. So when we took family pictures we normally had to sit down because I was so short and then when I was little growing up I loved sports and because my mom was nervous

3:47how little I was I wasn't allowed to start sports until I was a little bit older because she was afraid I would get hurt and so fast forward I am you know I was born in the 80s and I'm 34 so the 80s there was no such thing as open adoption and so I grew up in a closed adoption everything that my parents knew about my biological family they told me but I always knew I was adopted and it was always just a part of my story and I was just always told that my birth mom

4:22was young and she just was getting ready to go to nursing school right out of high school and just was unable to parent and that her and my grandmother that they chose adoption and she wasn't married to my birth father so they chose the adoption route and for a long time I I I never had any issues with adoption I had a great childhood you know there's lots of pictures because I

4:57don't have a great memory there's lots of pictures of me growing up and being with my family and so I had a really positive adoption story and it wasn't until you know getting into my tween teen years that I feel like the question that most adoptees have kind of came about you know well why did she give me up why didn't she want me and you know having feelings of being out of

5:32the place and having a close adoption I had no one to really talk to about those things and then I graduated high school and I went to college nearby my hometown and I was playing soccer for a division one school and just living the college life and I ended up having an unplanned pregnancy and it absolutely rocked my

6:05world I just I to me I couldn't believe I allowed that to happen it was such a faith-building time for me and a soul-searching time for me because I me and her birth father you know we did not plan on getting married or anything like that and interesting enough you know her her adoptive family was across the country and they decided that they wanted to add to their family and just

6:41around the same time that I found out I was pregnant and they were family friends of mine her adoptive parents her dad was from my home state and he used to change my diaper as a baby and our parents were just the best of friends and it couldn't seem like the more ideal situation for both of us and I knew I wanted an open adoption but the choice it didn't come to me so easily you know I

7:14I had such a great adoption experience but I wasn't sure how this baby would feel about it growing up but I knew I wanted an open adoption and they were totally on board with that her family was and I was very grateful for that and so then fast forward they got to be there in the delivery room with me when I when I had her and I had them cut her cord and it was just a very special time

7:48because I don't think before that I really understood or realized because that wasn't my world but just how many people who want to start a family are unable to do that very easily and with them being across the country we wrote emails back and forth I gained a very special relationship with her mom during that time and it was just a very special time in the hospital with them and I was

8:18grateful to have that experience and to be able to share that with them because that's something that they have never been able to experience and then I was able to spend that time in the hospital with her just her and I I feel like I tried to reiterate to her you know whether she understood me or not just how much she was loved and cared for and wanted I kept a journal the whole time that I was pregnant with her and I gave it to her parents to give to her when she is older you know they brought her home across the country and I stayed

8:50there in Delaware it was pretty hard for me I didn't think because I felt like I was doing something that was felt so right to me I didn't understand why I felt so broken and so lonely and so I did what I thought was best again and I pushed through it I went back to college and was taking classes and was busy myself and trying to keep myself busy and about six months later after I

9:22placed her I had this real urge to find my biological family and you know it was something I always wanted to do and it was something my parents always supported me about and so I just took out my baby book that I had and this time though on my adoption papers there was a name that I had never seen before and so I googled it we had Google so I googled it and did a white pages search

9:53and like seven different names popped up on a search and I knew I was from Delaware and so I don't know what came over me I don't know what I was really thinking at the time and I picked up the phone and I just started dialing the first number I dialed this older man picked up the phone and I was like crap now what I had no idea what I was gonna say I had no idea what I was doing but I said well you know could you be related to this person and he was like yeah you

10:31know that's my daughter you know this that's her bio that's her maiden name and I was like okay you know that's a coincidence and he said you know what can I do for you and I was like oh okay um well I was like well I was like I think she could be my birth mother and he was like well um he was like she did place a baby for adoption a number of years ago and I am thinking no way you

11:02know and he was like my wife's not home right now but she would have all the information and you know can you leave me your name and your phone number and your birthday and I was like yeah no you know no problem and he said and I'll never forget this he said you know what this means and I said no he said that means you're talking to your grandfather and mind you no one was home at my

11:36house I was by myself and so I hung up the phone with him and it seemed like the longest couple of hours ever and she called me back and it was my grandmother and the first thing she said was how did you find us I knew that you always would and she said I just got off the phone with your mom when can we meet and I was just like floored because as an adoptee I knew that I knew that this

12:15story could go either way I knew that I was taking a chance and she could have very well moved on and you know I was a part of her former life and she her healing might look like that I wouldn't be a part of that and that other side of the coin could be that she would want to meet me and our lives would be forever changed because we would be reunited and I don't think I was necessarily

12:45prepared for either of those things it just took me by surprise we talked a little bit longer and I found out they lived about 45 minutes north from me they remember seeing my name and my picture in the newspaper growing up in high school playing sports ironically enough my adoptive parents and my biological parents all have the same occupation and I when I tell this part

13:16all the time I'm like I couldn't even make this up if I wanted to when I was in high school I played basketball for my dad's for girls varsity basketball and when we would play the northern when we would play the northern private school teams my biological dad was a girls basketball coach and so I played against his team and didn't even know who he was and then my my adoptive mom

13:46my mom was a labor and delivery nurse and then my biological mom went to school to be a nurse as well so we also had that really neat connection with all four of us my biological dad and biological mother chose not to get married to each other but they stayed in contact and she had let him know that I had found her and I have talked to him before a few you know I've talked to him a couple times he doesn't wish to have a relationship but I still very I still

14:21feel very fortunate that I that I know who he is but that very next weekend I drove up and hugged my birth mom for the first time in in 20 years and it happened to be the weekend of birth mother's day and Mother's Day and so I felt like that was also a tender mercy for us and I was able to take up my photo album that my parents had made me since I was a baby and to share with

14:55them my life and through pictures and then a couple weeks later they were able to come down meet my family and just to have both of those pieces of my life come together like that was really really special I think that's something that I will always treasure because it's not something that everyone always gets and we might not get together a lot you know I go home and visit my family usually every summer with my kids but now she's been able to be there and hold

15:29my babies as babies and you know they call her Nana and I have a half-brother and sister so I'm the oldest and just that missing piece that puzzle piece that I've had since I was so little be able to fit that in right where it belonged was really special to me and then to be able to have my birth daughter and have an open adoption with her and to watch her grow up and be this

15:59incredible amazing person now that next month she'll be a teenager and it's kind of so surreal to be able to be in their home with them and you know listen to the things that she likes and doesn't like and her favorite foods it's it's special because it's something I never had and I know that you know whenever she has questions about me or her story that it's that she is able to ask me I just think my story is very unique where I have those two different perspectives

16:32with closed adoption and open adoption and as an adoptee and also that other side of the triangle as a birth mom. Wow yeah that is an incredible story thank you so much for sharing. So yeah I'm not sure if that was a nutshell or not but that was great it's perfect oh my goodness I don't know if you saw I was just like crying over here it was amazing. I was trying to keep it together. It was beautiful wow okay.

17:06So no it's amazing it's an amazing story so when did you first realize that you were adopted as a kid? Like I said I always knew it was a part of my story my parents made sure that I that was something I always knew and I'm very grateful for that even though I I look like my siblings and I fit in very well physically with my family they made sure that was something I always knew so ever

17:36since I can remember really. Awesome and do you think that looking similar to your adoptive family being the same race affected your experience and your feelings toward adoption as you were growing up? Personally I probably had an easier time because I did look like them. Like I said no one really ever questioned that I was adopted unless we told them you know growing up in school you know you know you at first couple days of school you tell something about yourself that people didn't know or that was unique to you and I always said that

18:08I was adopted and so that was my always that was always my special piece but my feelings about adoption because of my family and because of my surroundings was always positive. So what advice would you give to other adoptees who are searching for their birth families? I think my story is unique because I I really feel for me mine was the timing and you know divine intervention when I

18:43found them but there was other times in my life where I wanted to look and it just wasn't the right time but I feel like to those searching you know try to stay open try to stay open-minded because like I said that story can go either way as a birth mom I can only speak for myself but knowing other birth moms people heal in many many different ways and sometimes that means not wanting contact but that never ever means that you are forgotten or you are

19:18not loved in any aspect whether or not they want to rekindle a relationship with you or not. So I would just suggest you know staying open researching I know it's hard sometimes to open those those birth certificates having those available to adoptees that's still a struggle for many having those birth certificates open through the state being allowed to have that I personally feel that that's something that everyone should be able to have is their original birth certificate with those names on them so just being able to keep an open

19:53mind keep an open heart on what possibly could be because you're you're having other people's lives into your into your story so I think that would just be that would be my advice. That's awesome thank you I thought it was really interesting so while you were telling your story when you just started calling all the phone numbers after your Google search that was something that was out of character for you I take it like not something you would normally do. Not at all. So interesting I love how it turned out but yeah and it was actually the

20:26very first number that I called I ended up calling my grandparents house and my grandma said well if you have called the second number on that list she's like I think it's my cousin but I don't think she would have had all that information so I would have been a dead end and come to find out my my grandfather doesn't normally pick up phone numbers that he doesn't know and he just he picked up mine that day. Oh my goodness I love that so it was out of character for you it was

20:56out of character for him and all just worked out perfectly that day. Yeah. Oh I love it. Absolutely. So what were your initial thoughts and feelings when you were pregnant and thinking about adoption for your baby? It was overwhelmed I was so scared I you know I grew up in a very strong moral values household and you don't have sex before you get married you don't you know with very strong moral values I felt like I truly disappointed my parents and my family

21:29and my heavenly parents by allowing I say that allowing that to happen that I wasn't you know being responsible and I was I was just very scared were my very initial thoughts you know holding that pregnancy test at my sister-in-law's house and it was digital and just remembering and feeling like this can't be real and you know remembering going and telling her birth father and just

22:04remember and then telling my parents it was just I was very scared and come to find out I had no reason to be scared my parents although now being a parent you know we can be disappointed with our children you know in the in the choices that they make and and their consequences you know we can't choose that but they love me unconditionally and that was a very big standout point for me the love I received from my family and my church family and my

22:40friends that was that was a very pivotal moment for me you know I might have walked around my college campus feeling like I had a scarlet letter on my shirt and being pregnant and not married but being at home and being at church I didn't feel shamed or ostracized and I know that's not the same story for everyone and it makes me very sad that that is the case for many other friends

23:13and birth mothers that they were treated that way and that they felt that way and that they were very alone in their situation of course there were times I felt that way then when we were talking as a family that you know I might not be the best choice as a you know doing it as a single mom you know we I would have been able to because I would have my family support but there was things that I couldn't do at that time that I that I wanted for her I'm very grateful

23:44that I didn't have to look through hundreds of profiles I didn't have to pick a family that felt like it could have been the perfect family for her and I that again that divine intervention for us was that I got a phone call from her from her parents saying that they had just prayed about adding another child to their family through adoption and they would be honored to raise my

24:15baby as their own and that we would always be connected as family and for me there was there was no other family that to me that was it was it was like a no-brainer for me so what advice would you give to family and friends of other women who are expecting and considering adoption to help them feel that love and support that you felt often while you were pregnant to look at all of your

24:47options to again as an expect mom to try to stay open I know that there are many emotions many hormones running through your body at that time and things can look very cloudy but now that I have been on this journey for almost 13 years as a birth mom talk to other women that have placed get a real story of what

25:17that looks like don't just go to an agency and talk to the professionals because unfortunately they don't always have your best interests at heart but to get real-life stories from other women talk to adoptees to kind of get what it could look like and then to lay out all of your options and to be educated on all sides of it I think that is the best the best choice that you could do and

25:52then make that well-educated choice for yourself did you use an agency for your placement or did you do a private adoption so a little bit of both I we use a little bit of both they did have family services but because out east it's not as readily available and the closest one was a couple hours away we actually had a caseworker though that worked for family

26:22services who kind of helped me with that process but her family being from Utah they chose on their end to do a private option to use the same attorney that they had used with their previous adoptions so I didn't necessarily ever use an agency so I can't even say like one way or another which which would be like more beneficial or helpful awesome thank you sometimes Shawn and I will

26:54talk about agencies on here and we're like man we kind of give agencies a hard time but yeah we definitely I I feel like unfortunately I feel like they deserve they do not necessarily and I'm not necessarily in a bad way but make sure they're doing the things that they're supposed to be doing and if you promise something to an expected mom deliver it yeah I didn't even I didn't even look into and that's something that we can talk about but I didn't even look into

27:24counseling after I placed like I thought I was doing the right thing why would I need counseling for something like that and now that I go to trauma therapy how huge that would have been for me after placement how many other decisions would have changed I mean and the statistics with not getting that post placement care afterwards what a difference that makes in their life whether it's getting

27:55pregnant again shortly after whether it's substance abuse whether it's depression whether it's committing suicide so it's just it's all so important that no one really had an idea about yet when you talk to other birth moms they're like wow that would have been really helpful and that's why I'm so grateful for my friend Ashley who's a birth mom that has created curriculums for agencies to be able to provide those post placement care and support groups

28:26for birth mothers after they place because it's needed and we know that so it's just it's crazy to me that you know some agencies provide classes and support groups for the adoptive parents but what about the birth mom you know and what about the adoptee yeah that's a big deal do you have any advice for the adoption community for how we can bring about those changes and make

29:00things better because working so closely with my friend who does have that foundation I just I feel like there couldn't be anything more important than care for everyone involved adoption is not a cure for infertility it's not it's not a cure-all for being childless it's it's it's so many things wrapped up into this package and I unfortunately you know I didn't know this then but you know

29:36being almost 13 years in my you know you know better than you do better and so my language my my thought process everything has kind of shifted to yes I had a great adoption experience and you know so far my daughter's is really great but everyone doesn't have that and what is key is that education is that support system is therapy because adoption is trauma and I think back

30:13especially when I was adopted that wasn't a term they used but it still existed but no one knew I was placed with my family when I was six months old but when I was a was placed with them I wasn't smiling I I had this I was going through a transition and I actually got sick at one point and I was in the hospital and my mom never left my side and she tried to tell the doctor and the

30:45agencies that they had went through that like there's something going on like my daughter's not smiling she's you know that there's a transition going on and they didn't want to believe it they didn't they didn't know what it was and so she did what she thought was best and just bonded with me and I think for me you know that made all the difference but I think also if and she said it too talking about it if she had known or seen anything when I was younger that I

31:19had that I had more questions that I that I wasn't happy that you know that she would have gotten me counseling when I was younger which I think is pivotal because that gives adoptees someone to talk to because a lot of times as adoptees we feel like we have to have this gratitude that we have to just be thankful for the thing for our families and the things that we have not to say that we don't of course we are but we also have these attachment wounds that

31:50no one can really speak to and I didn't start seeing a trauma therapist until I was 33 years old and it has been the best adult decision I've ever made for myself and to work through those attachment issues and to work for work through those early traumas I had early on that I had no idea that I had and what a not tooting my own horn but what a the growth and the change and the the

32:27things that have come about in the past year because of me working through those things that I've made that I had wish I could have had so many years ago you know because again you don't know what you don't know but now I do and you know I've talked a couple times to my daughter's mom about you know her possibly going and she can see the benefits in it and I just I just wish so many other people it's not a bad thing it's okay for them to talk about feelings that they have and they're healthy so I just I really as an

33:02adoption community I can't stress enough learning how important mental health is on all sides of the triad and how much better we could be as a community if we allowed those voices to be heard because a lot of times during you know November National Adoption Month during Mother's Day months that adoptee and birth mother voices kind of get drowned out when those are the voices that really mean so much absolutely I a hundred percent agree that was very well said thank you

33:36um so this one's kind of going back to where we were a few minutes ago but how do you think that your thoughts and feelings about adoption as you were looking at placing your baby for adoption how do you think those were affected by your experiences as an adoptee um at the time I don't think I even really realized the choice I was making at 20 years old mind you our brains aren't even formed as an adult brain but until like 25 we're making

34:09these grown-up adult decisions and our brains aren't even formed yet now looking back and knowing what I know I know my decision to place was largely impacted by my own adoption story and the positive story that I had growing up with that but it was also very largely impacted by my religion and what what we believe about families and what we believe about parents and having two

34:41parents I know some really great awesome single moms out there and you know like I said I could have done it I could have done it with my family's help you know not saying that she's better off or she's in a better place it's just different she has a different life than what I could have gave her but I I feel like now knowing all those things my experiences as an adoptee did shape me placing her for adoption not necessarily a no-brainer but I just I didn't realize

35:17just how hard it would actually be until I did it and then realizing gosh you know why why do I get these feelings so much around her birthday yet we have an open adoption why do I get so emotional after a visit with her and it's because she's still a part of me you know and that there's nothing that's ever going

35:47to change that or replace that and just things you know I didn't know as an adoptee things that I was feeling and when I found my birth mom I truly feel that I needed to go through that situation before I found her and no matter those feelings I had as a teenager of why she didn't want me and why she gave me up she never gave me up I never gave up my birth daughter I

36:20placed her for adoption I never didn't want her I was never unwanted and I think for me those things were really important to know for myself before I found my birth mom so I could have we have another connection we're not just a mother and daughter who were both birth moms and I was able to write an article a number of years ago where I was able to ask all three moms in my

36:51life my birth mom my adoptive mom and my daughter's adoptive mom actually some really hard questions and I'm so grateful that they each took the time to address it and to share those feelings with me and I can relate to them so much because I have that connection with my own birth mother and that we kind of share the same feelings so I thought that was really special it's amazing um

37:24is that article still out there I haven't looked a long time I actually for a whole year I wrote articles once a month for adoption calm I after a year I got really burnt out though because I just I was I was talking and writing and researching adoption so much I was like I have to take it I have to take a step back like it was it was so much for me but I I had learned and gained so much from those things that I wrote I think even looking back at them now I might

37:56cringe at some of the things I said but I also have learned so much since those things that I have that I have written but it might be I'll have to see if those are still helping yeah if we can find it and if you're cool with it maybe we'll put a link to it yeah yeah that sounds like an amazing article with all of those perspectives it was I'm I was so grateful that they opened up and shared those things with me mind you again so I never got counseling as an adoptee and my birth mom I'm 34 years old you know never really

38:29seeked or knew that was something that she could be provided for when she was younger and you know the ways that she had to deal with that grief and that trauma her husband that she married is a really fantastic man and she said he said you know I seen her every year on my birthday you know be a little sad and there was nothing she could do and when I back in 2020 when I went to visit my family I invited her to my parents house to come and share my birthday dinner with

39:04me and all of us there and I I've saved her text message because it meant so much to me and she said you know I've spent so many years and sadness around your birthday she said you know never again of course we'll be there and so of course I had to save that and it just it it reiterated to me again that the adoption community is so much stronger the bond between mother and a child is

39:34so strong that even physical separation doesn't doesn't stop that love you talked a little bit about what placement was like for you what advice would you give to expectant parents as they make their plans for relinquishment if they have you know already made that choice that adoption is the best route for them I would hope that they would have all the love and all the support in their

40:07life that they need you know mentally ready they might think they're mentally ready to make that choice but again I don't think anyone is and especially those who have done it more than once to you know if they don't have that love and the support in their life to seek it out whether it's friends and other birth mothers because we as a community have such open arms for those and we remember what placing is like and we can automatically go back to that time and

40:41remember how hard those times were and so seek therapy as soon as you can seek support support groups look around in your local area or local birth mom support groups because they can be really healing and you don't know you need them until you found them I like I said I didn't know that was a thing until I found my group and I have made some really lifelong friends because of

41:12being a part of a club no one wanted to be a part of to sit with a group of women who've been where you've been and to be able to share their ups and downs because our placement doesn't just affect us it affects our children it affects my spouse it affects the friendships that I have and it embodies every part of me and also as an adoptee so it's just it's very important I think to try to reach out early on and trying to get that support so how do you think

41:47your experiences as an adoptee with placing your baby have shaped your perceptions of parenthood as you raise your younger children adoption as an adoptee as a birth parent it is a part of my whole life I can't remove a part of that as I'm parenting my other children so I felt like when I got married and I got pregnant with twins very quickly early on into my marriage that you know even though I wanted desperately to be a mom again and I

42:17would have two daughters it was all so new to me and it was first time for me that I wanted to soak it all in I didn't want to miss anything and I felt many mixed emotions with it actually which is really normal because you know I didn't have those first with my birth daughter that I had with my twins and then I'd feel guilt about having other children when I placed her it's just it's so

42:47many emotions wrapped up into one into parenting as a birth mom I think just remembering you know it is going to be different and that's okay those feelings are normal and then and that's okay feeling out those feelings and working through them that's important and not you know shoving them down not but but working through them is important but being present with my children and just knowing that every single child is an absolute blessing and a gift no matter

43:20how they come to you and raising them is you know a delight even being in the midst of motherhood and that it's you know the hardest thing I've ever one of the hardest things I've ever done parenting that I'm so grateful it's something that I was able to experience if you could share one thing with every other adoptee what would it be just one you can make it two or three I'm like just one I can't speak you know for every adoptee except you know my own

43:53story but I truly believe that as an adoptee to you know no matter our circumstance our life situation our family situation that that you're loved that you are seen that you are cared for by by someone whether you know that woman whether that woman is in your life or not and to know that they are

44:23thinking about you that you are not forgotten that you are always you are always loved the second thing I think would be to make your mental health a priority there's so many things that being an adoptee there's there's no instruction manual there's there's no you know there's no book and so there's no right way to grow up as an adoptee and those feelings that you have growing up as a child as a teenager as an adult are real and it's emotional and it's

44:59hard and it can be traumatic but to be able to put your mental health first and to be able to talk with a neutral party about the things you're feeling and that they're completely and 100% normal is very very very important I really feel like and maybe this is just me but it feels like the adoption community is talking a lot more about the harm that can come from pushing that narrative of adoptees need to be grateful right like be grateful for your placement and that

45:33you were adopted do you have any thoughts on how we can continue to move away from that narrative and help adoptees feel empowered to feel whatever they feel and share what they feel as an adoption community yes you know we are grateful for our families I feel like that's that's that's a given and on the other side of that we also are allowed to feel grief and sadness and to work

46:04through those emotions while being grateful I think for me I it only you know a realization while working through therapy it's okay to have both of those feelings and as a teenager or a 8 9 10 11 year old being able to talk to someone about those feelings at that age is really important and they can really help out a lot and so shifting that narrative to include that adoptive voice

46:36to really hear what they're feeling and not take it personally I think is a very big deal and so in order to continue to move that forward I think mental health should continue to be a main point in the conversation and everyday conversation and to be okay with that that to make it okay and I love that in general as a society we are continually seeing the stigma of mental health

47:06disappear and that it's okay I am I will shout from the rooftops how much I love and I'm thankful for therapy I just I hope that I can see a day where it's available to everyone affordably because it is so important so if you could share one or a few things with every other birth mother what would that be as a birth mother community that we need each other you know you can't convince me

47:37that we don't that you know people find common ground with different experiences as they've gone through when they find someone who has been in the same situation and what commonalities that we have and that we share is bigger than the little bit of differences that we might have so I really encourage birth moms to find their community support groups are popping up all over the country and it's really incredible to see they continue to be so needed again

48:09my friend's lifetime healing foundation it's just so incredible because she wants to have a support group for every birth mom within a 30 mile radius of where they live throughout the whole country we have seen what it's like not having that support and what it's like kind of doing it alone and we don't want that for any other birth mom and to also to be able to get that mental health help where they can but I have learned getting that mental health help you have

48:43to be ready and you know maybe at 21 I wasn't ready to know what I know now and I wasn't ready to do the growing and the changing like I have now so just to also feel your feelings it's okay griefing the grief process is real there's no timetable at times I think I'm okay and then other times it'll hit me out of nowhere and that's actually completely normal so I think that's that's what I

49:14would say so why have you struggled with maybe like beyond mental health or like building on that or whatever you want to do but what have you struggled with regarding adoption and what do you wish others knew and understood so I know you've talked about this in terms of mental health anything else you want to add I just feel like adoption has been portrayed very positively and especially through Hollywood and it's given it such a you know a rose color glasses and you

49:53know rainbows and that that's why people look towards adoption to build their family when unfortunately they don't really know what's coming for them and they have not been prepared for it I have really fallen in love with the show this is us I have seen so much of myself and Randall and his birth mother story and I have seen so much of myself and the other characters that it has truly

50:28been such great thought and conversation openers for the adoption community that yes this is absolutely what we needed because it wasn't just the positive or just the negative adoption it was so intertwined and there's so many facets to adoption that I don't think people really understand unless they're a part of that community I think adoption has really started to evolve which I think

50:59is absolutely amazing because you know not just the positive is coming out I really think that is that's for the better for those that don't know anything about adoption and they're looking into it just education education education you know you might have a home study and you're ready like I get so many and I don't mind it but I get so many following requests from hopeful

51:29adoptive parents and messages just even from friends that have adopted and they they have a situation they just asked my opinion I'm grateful I could be one of those voices for them but education is huge I don't think we can go into adoption blindly you will really get hurt I feel like so yeah the main thing I would say is education on all types on grief on on trauma on adoptee trauma on

52:05adoptee statistics suicide on adoptive parent grief just just grief in general you know so just so many factors all right is there anything else that you want to talk about I feel that I have grown so much through my adoption story and I love what adoption has done in my life the growing pains the growth the

52:36mental growth the people that it's brought into my life because of adoption my birth mother friends it has been a challenge and a blessing in my life and I am grateful for it because I have seen so many amazing things because of adoption I am just grateful for podcasts and for education and people willing to listen and to educate like you guys to communities and to people about adoption

53:11thank you so much we really really appreciate you taking time to share your story and to share your wisdom all of your thoughts I loved it I loved all the thoughts about education and about trauma and therapy love and what a beautiful beautiful thought thank you so good thank you for having me thank you so much for listening to this episode of the open adoption project and

53:43thanks again to Jory for sharing her great story with us I really love talking with her it was such a great opportunity to learn from her and hear her perspectives as both a birth mom and an adoptee and we hope you loved hearing from her too as previously mentioned we're wrapping up this season we plan to have one more episode in this season that should air a week from the time of this episode so in our next episode we'll be finishing up sharing our own personal adoption story and then we'll be on a break for just a few weeks we

54:15will let you know exactly how long next week but Sean will be donating bone marrow and so he is going to be needing a little bit of a break from the podcast for just probably about a month yep so that's the plan at this point we have a ton of interviews already lined up for season two that will be really good to hear we're really excited it's going to be more interview focused than this season has been and we can't wait to keep learning from more people thanks

54:46again for listening to the open adoption project

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